McHenry Cty Track Meet

My niece is a freshman in high school.  She's on the track and field team.  She does a few running events and last year some field events.  Her coach is trying to stretch her by adding some distance to her running competitions.

She was nervous about it because of her asthma.  She takes her inhaler with her to practice and meets so she's well prepared in case she needs it.  What I love about her is her willingness to go along with her coach to become a better athlete even though her asthma might flare up.

I told her I would be at the meet yesterday.  I think I told her sometime last week.  I'd been feeling pretty low all day.  I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it but circumstances worked out in my favor.  Do you know that young lady, all of fourteen years old, was so excited to see me?

It wasn't because I had her bag of apples, or would buy her Subway or give her some $$ for the meet.  It was because I am her Aunt and she was super glad I was there.

When she was getting ready to eat after her event, she asked if I wanted to stay.  I was feeling anxious and nervous so I said, "Yeah, that would be great."  Sometimes you just have to plow through those feelings in order to enjoy the benefit of feeling loved by another person.  She really wanted me to stay.

What if I had turned her down?  I would have seen a very sad young lady.  Even if I had told her that my anxiety/panic was difficult, she would have understood but still, I would have had a sad young lady looking back at me.  I couldn't do that to her.

This is a disease.  It has enough control and I don't need to feed it anymore.  If I am feeling that way I can tell myself there's nothing here that's going to hurt me, nothing is going to threaten my safety.  Stay with your niece like she wants you to.  Enjoy her, enjoy her friends. crack some jokes and remember, she's only fourteen for a short time.  If she wants you to stay, stay.

And that's what I did.  I gave myself positive messages, positive self talk and stayed.  When it was time for me to go, that young lady was ready for me to go.  She gave me a hug and she told me she loved me.  See what I would have missed?  She's wanted some alone time with me and I was able to overcome those fears and give her some alone time.

It doesn't take much effort to plant a seed of love in the heart of a child.

Symptoms from Medicine Changes?

This week I've depended on God to help me discern physical symptoms derived from medicine changes vs stress or other physical contributors.  What my body did was new.  I'm not sure exactly which category the weirdness belongs in.

In either case, the potential was swelling of the brain, a stroke or a brain tumor.  Thankfully the CT Scan showed none of these.  But did that really matter?  Not much.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm very grateful I don't have any of those.  It's just that there are days when my shaking is very noticeable and I wish I had a diagnosis for it.  There are days my head hurts so bad I wish I had a different diagnosis than Chronic Migraine Headaches.  I know I have a lot of labels for physical and psychological problems.  I guess I wish I could pinpoint them to something concrete.

But at this point, I'll take no new names for things that are bothersome that I can live with.  I'll go to the emergency room like I did and get it checked out - that's the right thing to do.  If I walk out of there with no answer as to why it happened or a new diagnosis, I'll be okay with it.

Yeah, it still bothers me.

How long will I let it bother me?

Until it's done, I guess.

I know God has a purpose for everything that passes through His hands

I just wish He'd give me a heads up once in awhile.

Astonished by God

When I think about all God has done for me, I'm astonished.  I mean, let's be real.  I'm one in a few billion people who are currently inhabiting this earth.  Here are some things that make the word "billion" more relatable (Source - http://statistics.about.com/od/Applications/a/Millions-Billions-And-Trillions.htm):

• One billion is a thousand millions.
• One billion is a 1 with nine zeros after it, denoted by 1,000,000,000.
• One billion seconds is about 31 and a half years.
• One billion pennies stacked on top of each other would make a tower almost 870 miles high.
• If you earn $45,000 a year, it would take 22,000 years to amass a fortune of one billion dollars.
• One billion ants would weigh over 3 tons - a little less than the weight of an elephant.
• One billion dollars divided equally among the U.S. population would mean that everyone in the United States would receive about $3.33.

Kind of puts it in perspective, right?  The only one I've already achieved is the one billion seconds.  I've passed up 31 and a half years.  I would love to see one billion ants.  What an ant hill that would be!  What would you like to see or experience?

So if I'm astonished about all God has done for me, what has He done?

• He brought me through a horrific childhood with my sweet spirit still in tact
• He brought safe women who could love me and not get caught up in my brokenness
• He removed those women who were unhealthy, codependent or pushy
• He brought kitties and dogs to love and be loved by
• He removed my dad so the abuse would stop
• He gave me safe environments to heal (still does)
• He protects me from myself
• He healed my family
• He gave me a safe church
• He gave me Jesus

The closer I draw to Him and

the closer I draw in trust to Him,

the better He can heal me and 

the healthier I will become.

Then I can be astonished at myself for all the hard work I've done to rid myself of past hurts and pain.

Counselors

When I was given an ultimatum by my mom, I was fifteen years old and full of hate.  She said I had two choices.  I could either move out of the house or I could go to counseling.  I knew I couldn't move out.  Heck, I couldn't legally drive yet.  I chose to go to counseling.

My first counselor was a well known Al-Anon speaker.  I was familiar with her for I'd already been in Alateen for over a year. She spoke at open meetings.  I wasn't sure what to make of her.

She was the one my mom talked to about being my counselor.  I know I didn't talk hardly at all.  She did the talking.  I listened with my head down looking at my lap.  If you looked at me you wouldn't know whether I was a boy or a girl.  I had long hair that hid my face, a t-shirt with a black leather coat, well worn jeans and well worn gym shoes.  I was more a boy than a girl.  I preferred it that way.

My outward appearance kept people away from my broken heart.  I opened up to nobody, I socialized with nobody, I went to school and talked with nobody, I lived at home and was treated like nobody.  Why would I ever think I was somebody?  Let alone, somebody God would pay attention to let alone die for on a wooden cross between two common thieves?

The counselor labeled me gay at age 17.  She misdiagnosed extensive sexual and physical abuse.  Or at least that's what I told myself.  I accepted Jesus payment for my sin at age twenty.  I asked her what the bible said about homosexuality.  She said it was written when men were leaving their wives for other men.  It was written a long time ago.

I didn't believe her.  Her methods and beliefs were not based on the truths in scripture.  I decided to leave.  It was the best decision I made for my recovery and for my identity.

Then came Liz then Carol then Jeff then Julie then Faith.  Not so many over a thirty-two year span.  Each one with their own set of rules, ways of doing things, insights and shortcomings.

The cure for my broken heart has been entrusted with each of them at different times, at different levels, in different ways for different reasons.  Four of the five are concrete believers.

Who is the ultimate healer of broken hearts?  Jesus.

Here's a brief excerpt from Beth Moore:

When Depression Wears You Down

There are days when depression wears me down.  I'm feeling strong for a few days then WHAM!  I get side swiped by tiredness, feeling low, wanting to isolate, not talking to anyone, avoiding the outside world and protecting myself by staying away from all people.

Doesn't matter if I know them or not.  Doesn't matter if it's in person or email or Facebook.

Any place there is a possibility of running into a person who knows me, I completely avoid.

I've had a lot of people exposure these last 4-5 days.  Between the Bunny Hop volunteer meetings and tasks to the day of the event, to going to see "Son of God,' to meeting my family at my sister's house, it was all positive but it was all draining.

I come home to a house that needs desperate attention.  Too much clutter, too much fur, too much stuff to do.  I sleep for over 18 hours.  That's good - I was certainly tired.  I wake up feeling down.

I don't want to go to therapy because I can't move past the comment she made (all things considered).  I know how I felt instantly.  I felt judged.  I did not feel validated.  I felt slighted.  I felt angry.  I felt hurt.  I felt all I've been through was minimized and passed over.  My reaction was standing up for myself.  It was making sure what I went through as a child was validated by me and not passed off as little kid exaggeration.  The 32 years I've spent working on 14 years of abuse, including the verbal abuse and abandonment until he died, is no simplistic matter.  Try spending your whole life being an over achiever with a genius brain, receiving from God the best jobs for your personality and talents so you can pay for years of therapy only to have one comment potentially wipe all that work down the drain?  I can't and won't let that happen.

All things considered, I should be dead.  Long ago, when I first attempted suicide, I should be dead.  God has kept me alive for reasons I may never understand, but He does.  I fight to stay alive because Heaven is the only place I want to be.  When I'm this messed up on meds, when therapy becomes a struggle rather than a support and when staying by myself brings more comfort than being around people, that's when I want to go home.

But my task here is not done.  I have family members who need me and want me around.  I have a book to write for God's story.  I have a handful of friends who would miss me.  I have many little furry friends who would need homes and I'm not willing to do that to them.

When depression wears me down, it wears me down.
It wears me down and sometimes it wears me out.
It wears me out and sometimes it wears me out for a long time.

But one thing depression never does:
It never takes away my dream to someday be whole.

God Cares

When times are troubled and you feel so low
When times are troubled you got nothing to show
When times are troubled and you get real slow
God Cares

When times are hard you got a pain in your side
When times are hard and you just told a lie
When times are hard and you want to die
God Cares


God cares for the hurtin' you been goin' through,
He cares for the trouble brewing inside of you.
He cares for the lyin' and the stealin' you do.
God cares
God cares

He'll pick all your troubles right off the ground
Brush 'em off clean He'll straighten them out
He'll make sure you're swimming not drowning away
Cuz God wants to your laugh every day.
Cuz God wants to your laugh every day.

(C)  Amy Endler, 2014

Easter Sunday

The image of Jesus getting up and beginning the assent out of the tomb represents so much for overcomers.  It reminds me that I was once so lost in sin it's a miracle I was able to break free.  When I see Jesus walking up those steps as our resurrected savior, He will no longer be made fun of but instead, be feared out of reverence.  This man from Galilee is now a holy man.  A trustworthy man.  A man you want to call friend.

Here, on Easter Sunday, God gave us beautiful weather. Bright blue skies, robin's chirping, no rain in sight and a peaceful Sunday morning.  I haven't experienced a morning like this in a long time.  In a while I'll be heading to the host sister's home.  My other sister and her family will join us as well as my mom.  It will be a hearty bunch, that's for sure!

We might play games or sit out in the gazebo.  We might go for a walk or watch a movie.  No telling what this group I call "my family" will want to do.  And how am I feeling?  Okay.  I have to give away the chocolate Pam gave me.  It's well-meaning but too much.

I love my family.  I love them very much.
How much they know and love Jesus.
And how one day, all of us will be reconciled to Aaron.

Thank you, Lord, for reconciling me to yourself through your life, death and resurrection on the cross.  For without you, this day would not have a personal meaning in my memories.

Love Amy