"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Pet 1:6-7 NIV)
About This Blog
My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!
It's supposed to be a day of rest except it's anything but.
I'm so tired I can barely walk from the living room to the kitchen.
I want to sleep uninterrupted but I know that won't come for awhile.
This is when I want to go to a bar, order a few drinks, chase them down and then be at ease.
Really at ease.
My body will be relaxed.
I can sit at the bar and watch sports for as long as I want.
I can feel nothing for several hours.
Just the warmth of that drink and the subtle quietness that takes place in my head.
To be asleep.
Ah, that would feel good.
I'm not sure about this dinner tonight.
I'm nervous and don't want to go.
But it's one of those where I should go.
I promised someone a ride.
I need someone there to understand the ptsd/anxiety.
I'll load up on my xanex.
I have to get cash for dinner.
I'm glad I have it, God.
Thank you.
I think I'll get something to drink (sugar free grape kool-aid).
Lay down.
Not eat.
And rest.
God, I need someone there who understands social anxiety, mental illness and stuff like that.
Thank you, Jesus.
You entered this mess of a world.
You grew up and started your ministry to help messy people.
People who were lonely in heart or suffering from physical ailments. They did not know you came to teach them about your Father and to be their friend. They did not know to ask for healing and if it's according to your Father's will, it shall be done. If not, they will not be alone through it.
People who, because of poor choices they had made and the consequences of those choices, did not know they could be forgiven for their sins and washed clean as snow.
People who, because of another's sin against them and possibly the destructive choices they had on another's innocent body and confusing their emotions, did not know you saw what was happening. They didn't know because of man's free will you could not stop it from happening.
At the same time, they need to know every tear they cried is stored in a bottle in Heaven.
Psalm 56:8You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tearsin your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Every tear. And when they cried, you cried.
Thank you, Jesus.
You entered this mess of a world.
Your ministry reached thousands yet you would have come for only one.
Jesus in the flesh ended on Good Friday but God saw to it that His spirit did not leave quietly. He let it be known that it was just the beginning.
Easter Sunday for many is a celebration of Jesus' tomb being empty, the resurrection of his body, the appearance of Him in His glorious body, the announcement of the Holy Spirit and the beginning of the church. Ministry training wasn't finished.
It's no secret I gave my life to Jesus - all of it - 27 years ago.
NO regrets.
Just like the abuse to my body, mind and emotions ended many years ago,
God gave me a new beginning in His Son.
There's a tomb inside of me that carries dead memories.
I've been asking God to roll that stone away from the front of the tomb.
It's attached to comfort eating and many emotions.
So all of that lingers inside and I want it to be free.
Why?
So that I can live in a freedom I've longed for all my life and
For God to take what is damaged and replace it with new,
In His Goodness and Glory, for His Kingdom and Purpose.
