His Strength Is Perfect

Today has been a physically challenging day.  I've been very active, pushing my body and stretching it to do more than it wants.  I'm very tired yet feel a sense of satisfaction.

This is a short writing.  I'm on my way to my sister's to do some baking with my nieces.  We'll socialize tonight then bake tomorrow.  They are very excited!  I'm very tired so I have to push myself to be "up."

Here's a song that always lifts my spirit.
I hope it lifts yours, too.

Comfort

It felt to good to be with Faith today.  I wasn't nervous like I've been before.  I didn't think about the session at all before getting there.  I just let it become whatever it was supposed to be.

We celebrated the weight loss.  I told her I hadn't read that book because I was already reading a book about loss.  I'm making the connection between using food as a comfort and the loss I've experienced in my life.  Loss of innocence from the sexual and physical abuse, loss of close relationship with my sisters, loss of protective relationship with my Mom, loss of approval from my Dad, loss of some comforts like alcohol because I'm over four years sober, loss of comfort through cutting because I'm just over one year clean from it, loss of suicide attempts to relieve the pain for a year, loss through death of Karen, Cathy, Dad, Maryla and Aaron, loss of mental acuity due to mental illness, loss of job, loss of financial security, loss of physical stability and loss of friendships in Kelly, Gina, Bonnie, Annie and Sue.

My choice of comfort is food.  Mostly carbs including pasta, candy, chips and cookies.  I tell myself I am killing the feelings.  That's not emotionally true but it feels true.  It's a way to deceive myself into thinking I am maintaining control when in fact I am out of control.  I am lying to myself so that I don't have to deal with what's staring me in the face.  It's my way of burying the uncomfortable emotions instead of sitting in them like Dr. Erin told us to do.  It's minimizing the pain when the pain is greater than I can bear.

Comfort:  Coming Out May Feel Overwhelming, Really Try

I have to talk about the uncomfortableness.  It's the only way I'll get better.  I trust my therapist.  There's no reason not to talk to her.  She is safe, warm, caring and wise.  She is careful, open, observant and gives great feedback.  She is available, willing, has good ideas and prays.

We're going to start this workbook, "Food and Feelings Workbook," by Karen Koenig

Click Here to Find this Workbook on Amazon

I hope your Halloween is a great one!

Click Here to Watch the Monster Mash

Depression Is Like A Car

Depression is like a car.  It has a motor that needs to be properly maintained.  The exterior shell protects you from damaging elements.  The windows let you look out when you feel trapped or let others look in so they can help you.  There's only one driver.  There's only one ignition.

When depression stays longer than usual, for too many reasons to mention, I picture myself in my Depression-Mobile.  It's a special car of my mind that navigates through the tough days. 

Most of the time it drives way below the speed limit.  The fuel tank is on empty.  The driver is impaired.  Sort of dangerous, right?  I spend those days on the couch.

I tend to the motor.  Check the oil.  Check the windshield washer.  Check the antifreeze.  It's like checking the pill box to make sure I've taken my meds.

Those who can look in and help are my family, five friends, therapist and psychiatrist.

When I look out I'm looking for God in creation.  Fall leaves, birds chirping, squirrels running and clouds moving.

My radio is tuned to Heaven.  The tires have treads that grip.  There are some nicks and dents to the body of the car but nothing serious.  The bumper stickers are filled with personal statements, like this one I made in memory of my nephew Aaron:

 

Whatever car or type of depression you have, it's unique to you.  When your car (brain) isn't running right, get help immediately.  Putting off help can lead you down the road of hopelessness that can lead to destructive thoughts. 

 

You're worth more!  Take your brain to your mechanic - your psychiatrist.

 

If you're frustrated because medication don't seem to be working, keep reporting that to your psychiatrist.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find something that works.  Don't give up!

Communing with God

In my relationship with God, this day (Sunday) is a day of rest and communing with Him.  I'm still feeling down, over tired and depressed.  The "rest" part of today will be easy.  "Communing" will be more difficult.

I usually spend time with God outdoors.  I have a favorite forest preserve complete with very large trees, a walking path, a marina and plenty of chipmunks.  It's a short drive from my house.  But right now I don't have enough gas in my car and my checking account is at zero.

How am I going to commune with God?  I'm not sure.  I have a bible study that reads to me.  I have a couple of blogs I can write in.  I can ask my sister for a little bit of gas money so I can go to her house and relax there.

Maybe I'll just sit here and think about Him and all the wonderful things He's done for me.  Maybe I can write a thankful list of 25 things.  I could listen to the sermons I'm behind on.

Whatever I decide to do, it will please God.  Even writing about it pleases Him.  Spending time thinking good thoughts about Him is sometimes the best and only way I can tell Him how much I love Him.

And that's okay.