Seasonal Affective Disorder

I was diagnosed with S.A.D. many years ago.  I found myself feeling very down and depressed when the winter months were here, especially in the morning and late afternoons.  Chicagoland is known for shorter daylight this time of year.

I was rising and setting with the sun.  I found myself wanting to go to sleep around 4:30 in the afternoon then not want to get up until 7:00 or so in the morning.  That's almost 15 hours of sleep.  That would have been okay if I felt rested when I woke up but I didn't.  I still felt tired.

After talking to my doctor about it, I purchased a light box.  It helped quite a bit.  Nowadays I'm on many psychiatric and psychotropic drugs so the S.A.D. isn't as bad.  I have the ability to lay down when I need to.  I'm thankful I don't have to work because I know I wouldn't be able to.

Here's a short video about S.A.D.  Some of the websites on the right have helpful information.

Reconnecting with Childhood Friends

Recently the little town where I went to school and the little village I grew up in created Facebook pages.  For the last few days I've been captivated by the memories of people I barely knew.  But there's one status that spoke to each of us.  One that moved some of us to tears.  It's the one that asked us to remember those who have died.

Needless to say, that status went viral.  For such a small little town it seemed each graduating class lost someone, if not multiple students.  My graduating class lost our first student freshman year.  I'll never forget it.  I still remember his parents having an open casket but I wouldn't go up there.  I remember one of his best friends fainting when he went up there.  I remember my friends and I sticking very close to one another.  I remember the funeral home.  I remember the church and the cemetery.  I know today where he is buried.  This is not something I want to remember.  It's etched in my brain.

While I was reading somewhere else on the page something strange happened.  Someone I didn't know asked me if I knew so and so.  My heart stopped and got sad.  Yes, I said.  He was my Dad.  This person said my Dad worked with his brother.  He said my Dad was a great man and he missed him.

At that point I could not respond.  It's not because I was moved to great sorrow or that I was reliving great memories of my Dad.  The truth is...

I was screaming inside, "My Dad was NOT a GREAT man.  If anything, he was great at being a self absorbed violent alcoholic who was a sexual predator in our family."  There's NOTHING great about any of that behavior.

As a child who was a victim of his abuse, I felt triggered and outraged.  As an adult who has worked very hard healing from the abuse, I feel better able to put how the child feels into perspective - to be compassionate.  As a Christian, I know my Dad has already been judged.  His sentence has been carried out.  His punishment is long over.

And that's how reconnecting with childhood friends can be risky.  At times, it can bring up some painful stuff but in the end, I can see how God put these people in my life.  They laughed with me, cried with me, studied with me and played with me.

I wouldn't trade them for any others!

Church - Friend or Foe

I've been a member of my church for twenty-six years.  I served in a leadership position for twenty years until I became mentally disabled.  Since that time I have struggled to get there.

I used to go on Sunday mornings.  When that became too hard I switched to Saturday nights.  When that became too hard I switched to watching it online.  It's been 5-6 weeks since I watched an online message.  I don't seem to be bothered by it.  That's what bothers me.

When I first started attending in September of 1987, I was seeking a bigger God than the God of 12 step groups.  When I learned about Jesus, His life, death, resurrection, appearing and ascension, I asked Him to forgive my sins and take them upon Himself in March of 1988.

My passion to serve Him and the church skyrocketed.  I was deeply involved in children's ministries, later became involved in singles, community care and other weekend serving/overseas serving teams.  There was nothing I wouldn't do to help others have a relationship with Him.

Enter mental illness.  Enter seizures.  Enter depression.  Enter panic attacks.  Enter anxiety attacks.  Enter deep seeded root extracting issues.  Enter intentional therapy.  Enter hospitalizations.  Enter self-harm.  Enter suicide attempts.  Enter eating disorder.  Enter alcoholism.  Enter isolation.

Everything stopped.  Friendships.  Work.  Salary.  My ability to cope.

Now what?

I still feel like many things have stopped.  I don't have enough money for gas to be able to go all the places I want to go.  I have to see Dr. Didenko and Faith.  The next place would be my women's AA meeting and then church.

Why not resume watching church online?  Because it's very hard to accept a season of life that is difficult.  And yet, I'm grateful to be alive, for my mental health team, my family and friends, not self injuring and staying sober.

Church - Friend or Foe?  Truth is, no matter how I'm feeling, my church will always be my friend.  Maybe not all those who attend the church or all the leaders who guide the church or all the staff who work at the church or all the volunteers who serve at the church but Jesus, who resides in the church, will always be my forever friend.

That's what's most important.