I never thought God would call my name to do something that could help people. I thought He chose people who were older, wiser and studied the Bible. Because of that belief, I didn't look around for a way that He could speak through my life experiences.
I'm a small town girl. I grew up in a small village, attended the same schools all twelve years so I knew all the names of my graduating class (125+/- students) of 1985. I knew the popular crowd, the music/choir crowd, the sports crowd, the average crowd and the party people. I was friends with some of the party people, hung out with some of the average crowd but mostly stuck with my three best friends. I did have the ocassional crush here and there but given my background I had no real interest in dating.
I enjoyed learning. I tried my best in each class, in every grade. I had some favorite teachers and some teachers I didn't like as much. I was super fast with timed math tests but I could not figure out geometry. Computer language was starting to be written and no matter how much I tried I just couldn't get the 'if' 'then' statements to work. I excelled in business, accounting and typing.
When I started Alateen at age 14, I was introduced to the thought of having a Higher Power. The way it was explained to me was pretty simple. It's something you can put your problems into or someone (not a person) you can talk to, like a spirit. Steps Two and Three in the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are written as follows:
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Since I'd attended vacation bible school and Lutheran Sunday school, I had an idea of who God was. Sort of. I mean I mixed Him up with Jesus. Well, I mixed the Holy Spirit up with Jesus. I thought Jesus was the "ghost" who was walking around performing all the miracles and handing out all the blessings. He did do that but did so in a human body. So, I was a little mixed up.
Second, and this is very common for children and adult children of alcoholics (or other substances, rage-a-holics, etc.), I had the face of my dad on the face of God. Blood shot eyes, red face, sweaty, angry - all the features that sent terror into my body. This 12 step group was asking me to trust and give my life to "God as I understood Him." I don't think so.
Third, I needed a new God. I wasn't sure how to get a new one. About 2-3 years passed since I'd taken my first step into an Alateen meeting when I felt the need to pursue God more personally. At that same time I transitioned into Al-Anon. It was an easy move because I was warmly welcomed with buckets of love and hugs. In one of the meetings the topinc was about meditation and how sometimes it's hard to quiet the mind. This made my ears stand at attention.
The woman giving the lead asked us to empty our laps and fold our hands, drop our heads down, close our eyes and for about two minutes we were to listen to the noises around us. Don't let our mind wander off to what we need to get done that day, what the kids are doing in the other room or what needs to be picked up at the grocery store. Just relax and listen.
Do you know what I learned that day? Three things:
1. I learned that all the busyness in my head could be turned off.
2. I learned that listening to the sounds around me brought a sense of peace and calm.
3. I learned that God is closer than I think because I'm making time to be still.
So, going back to the opening of the writing, I'm convinced God has called my name to do something that will help people; He does choose people who are older, wiser and have studied the Bible but He looks for men and women who have received His gift of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ and are still teachable.
And it's because of my salvation through Jesus that I have never considered any other religion, doctrine, belief system or cult.
Amen
