She was a "Christian" counselor who, according to my Mom, did a lot of damage. My tendency is to not talk about it because it's painful and in the past. The problem is that I'm being triggered by someone else's behavior so I have to get about the business of cleaning up the mess this counselor left behind otherwise I'll crawl into isolation and end up drinking alcohol to numb the pain.
She labeled me as gay at age 15. At age 17 she told me this. At age 22 I met a woman. No wonder I ended up in the Lesbian community for 4 1/2 years. I never once believed her. In fact I verbally fought with her before and after I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. She had her reasons for believing I was; I had my reasons for believing I wasn't. I walked out of a session and never went back. In fact, during that relationship, a man I was engaged to previously called to ask if I was seeing anyone. I said yes and we both moved on. I was as lost as lost could be.
But God had another plan.
By age 26, I was with my second partner who was a Christian. She somehow got past Roman 1 and she intrigued me. But then I was in a different community of women, still didn't feel it was right so this time I asked God to make it clear to me who I was in His eyes. I needed a clear cut answer so that I would never waiver again or be tempted to fall back into that world. You see, I felt safe, understood and loved. Who would ever leave a place like that? No one in their sane mind.
From June 17-June 24, 1994 God answered all of my prayers and pleadings. Through Moody Radio and my church, He gave me the answer, "No, I did not create you to be a Lesbian." I was sitting in my church's midweek service which happened to be Vision Night 1994, when I distinctly heard myself say in my head, "I can't serve God with my gifts if I stay in the gay community. I have to get out of there!."
I decided not to tell my new found freedom from my partner until I talked with my new therapist. I wanted to make sure I was on target. The next day I walked into my new therapist's office, sat down and when she asked what was new I about jumped out of my skin and declared with juebuelence, "I'M NOT GAY!!" She reeled me in and asked what had happened. Sure enough, I was free.
From what?
- Hiding from God out of shame and guilt
- My family's disappointment and distancing from me
- No freedom of affection in public
- My insides never felt so good!
I know the Lesbian lifestyle isn't for me but it is for others. I do not judge people who like motorcycles and I do not judge people who like guns. To each his/her own. I'm responsible for myself when I stand before my Maker and give an account for my choices in life. More than anything else in the world, when Jesus comes up to me and tells God the Father, "Yes, I know Amy." I want him to say, "She let me help her during a very difficult time in her life to make the right choice even though it was not a popular choice."
That's what my childlike ears long to hear.
Also, I'm committed to a life of abstinence and singleness until God brings the right man into my life. And if no one comes along, I'll be happy and content on my own. "It is not good for man to be alone." He didn't say it wasn't good for woman to be alone.
