It seems to me that distractions would take away the need to zone out on food when it comes to handling the stress in my life. After all, aren't distractions meant to turn the negative chatter in our head into something positive we can hold onto? I thought so.
So why have the distractions not worked? Why have they caused more stress instead of decreasing what's already building up? Why haven't I seen this coming and done something about it to prevent an onslaught of days with poor eating choices?
Perhaps the eating disorder I have cannot be tricked into obedience. Maybe it has to be treated like a bad habit and given 21 days straight of changed behavior (healthy behavior) to really change. Maybe it needs to be inspired by the truths that wait on the other side of fat, in the world of thin.
It begins in my feelings. Not in my head as a thought but in my gut as a feeling. It can be hurt or sad or scared or pissed off or any of over 300 emotions.
Feelings.
My job is to be in touch with how I'm feeling and follow that feeling to the end of it's cycle. Don't eat over it or distract myself away from it but feel it. I'm in the infancy stage of doing just that and it's no fun, I can testify.
What's worse is living with disappointment in myself and throwing rocks at my feeble efforts. I have this grandiose reflection of myself that lies to me and tells me I can fix everything on my own without the help of others.
You see, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I don't like many people and I trust even fewer. When one of those trusted people puts an expectation on me or makes a decision for me without speaking to me first, we have a problem. I'm entitled to my privacy and I'm entitled to my existence.
Getting down to the feelings is hard but not impossible.
Staying friends is hard when I feel wounded and angry.
I have to stay in check so that I don't do or say something hurtful.
I have to remember they, too, have feelings.
And I remember:
Feelings are feelings.
