Out of the Cave

Out of the cave the first full day.  Stretched myself to attend a church function.  Stretched myself further by talking with someone about what happened to put me into the cave.  It was courageous on my part because it required talking through my feelings.  I'm learning to push the scary feelings away and talk through the fear with Jesus by my side.

The cave was wonderful and provided the perfect environment to work out triggers and identify the feeling of intimacy that I felt.  Being physically (not sexually) close to someone is trust on roller skates.  Sometimes I'm skating to the music and other times I fall to the ground.  Today I learned falling is part of learning how to stand up and skate, even if I'm holding onto the wall.

At church this morning, our Senior Pastor gave a presentation about the direction we're heading in.  Our time together included this Psalm.  We were encouraged to use the quiet time for prayer, worship or any other way we wanted to connect to God.  I felt led to personalize Psalm 1:1-3.

The NIV version:  "Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night.  That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither - whatever they do prospers."

My version: Dear God, I am blessed because I walk in your steps, I delight in you - your strength and your firm foundation.  I think about you day and night!  Help me Jesus, to keep you in front of what and how much I eat.  The evil one delights in my stronghold.  Let him be put to shame.  I desire to be planted, learning to live fully in your streams of living water.  May I bear fruit that is pleasing to Your eye and withstand the necessary pruning.  May I turn to you instead when I want to wither away and die.  All prosperity belongs to you!  Love Amy

Being out of the cave brings me into relationship with others.  Three of my favorite women were part of my morning.  From each of them, I received affirmation and hugs.  To each of them I gave my undivided attention and hugs.  Relationships are where we give and receive.

My cave is a secret place where only God and I meet.  For whatever reason, this form of isolation helps.  But it's not for everyone.

Rest

A word that means:  Calm, Comfort, Downtime, Ease, Idleness, Leisure, Nap, Peace, Quiet, Recreation, Refreshment, Relaxation, Silent, Slumber, Stillness and Tranquility.

Don't those sound like a wonderful place to be?  So when the Holy Spirit whispered that
I should rest and I asked for clarification, the rest He wanted me to have was not entirely based on sleep.  Sometimes, we're asked to rest amid the things God wants us to be actively pursuing.

Today I am resting in a bible study and in the beginning planning stages of my book.  The study is easily outlined with reading, looking up bible verses and writing how God is speaking to me.  It's teaching me how to have a personal relationship with the Holy Spirit and the fruit that comes out of it.

The book planning is a little more complicated.  That's going to take dedicated thought processing, prayer and obedience to what God wants me to do.  I know it will take energy so when I'm told to rest, I will do just that.

How does one discern what resting looks like?  The above list helps.  I found it on http://www.thesaurus.com/browse/rest?s=t.  I picked the words that made me feel calm inside.  Now I know which practices of rest I feel most attached to.  You might find it helpful to make a list for yourself.

I find when I'm busy, physically or mentally with emotions attached, I have to remind myself that rest does not need to be depression.  It can be a nap or writing or recreation or even feeling sad or happy.  Rest is a state of being.  A real presence when the soul needs some downtime.

What do you do for rest?

I love to watch movies, color, lay on my couch surrounded by my kitties, write, read, go to the library, spend time with family and/or a friend, take nature pictures and go for a walk in forest preserves or on nature paths.

Whatever relaxes me causes me to rest.
I'm trying to put rest into practice more often.

Holy Spirit Whispers, "Rest"

Our church has a women's ministry that opens its doors to women who do not attend our church but would like to participate in our bible studies.  In the Fall we studied with Beth Moore out of 1 & 2 Thessalonians.  Now we are learning from Priscilla Shirer as she teaches about the role of the Holy Spirit.

I thought I knew enough about the Holy Spirit from listening to sermons and my own bible study.  I've been rocked to a deeper understanding and Jesus' statement when he told the disciples that he must leave so that a greater leader could take his place.  I'm not sure "leader" is the right choice of words but it is meant to describe his qualities.

Working with and submitting to the Great Messenger has caused a pondering in my spirit for the purpose of flashbacks and mental torture.  God knows how much the abuse hurt - all of it.  For the last ten years every time those images and fears cycle back around I get closer to the truth because new ones would pop in.  But not this time.

The bible says in John 8:31-32:  "If you are truly my disciples and live as I tell you, you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free."

Those verses are part of my healing foundation.  They tell me I have two things to do before I am set free:  Become a disciple of Jesus and live as He tells me.  How do I do that?  A disciple is someone who emulates or lives out the character traits of another.  In Jesus' day, when he was here and after he died, his followers were referred to as Christians because they did what he did.  In March of 1988 I saw and felt the depth of my sin.  I knew I could not erase it from God's eyes when he looked at me because I am incapable of such a feat.  I had the desire, I had the longing but what I didn't have was the ability.

In order to have ultimate peace (even during the storms of life) I had to invite Jesus to take up residency in my heart.  Another verse says, "I stand knocking at your door."  Jesus won't invade my deprivation or force himself on me.  He wants me to want Him in my life.  I asked Him in.

I am now a disciple of Jesus.  He's living in me and I in Him.  There's a relationship between the two of us that no one else has.  Private, personal and everlasting.  When I repented of my sin and asked Jesus into my heart, the bible says that the Holy Spirit is instantly inside of me, acting on behalf of God's will for my life.

Stay with me.  When He (the Holy Spirit) starts nudging in certain directions, it's up to me to be attentive and obedient.  Then God can reveal the truth and free me from whatever is preventing me from becoming who God intended me to be when he formed me in my mother's womb.

Is the truth easy to hear?  Yes and no.  Sometimes I sense God is pleased with my choices.  Other times I know I've made a bad move.  Then there are times when the Holy Spirit warns me about what's coming down the pipe.  This time it was, "There's more sludge residing in your soul and it has to be removed."

As I've been praying and taking quiet time to process this most recent sludge, I was surprised to hear (not audibly) the following:  "Amy, I want you to rest."  As I thought about it, I asked, "Rest from what?"  Then I heard, "I want you to rest in the abuse.  Don't deny it happened but embrace it.  It's part of you.  All these years you have been afraid.  It's time to rest in it.  This will continue throughout the writing of your book.  Just rest in it and don't be afraid."

That was yesterday.  I went to bible study this morning and talked to one of my leaders at length.  It was the first time I'd spoken out loud about what was going on inside with the exception of my therapist.  I felt safe.  She was moved to tears by some of what's happened to me.  I listened and responded to how the Holy Spirit was leading me:  It's time to talk.

I don't know how God is going to pull this off.  I mean He did send Jesus to teach me about Him and Jesus died for my sins and He sent the Holy Spirit to guide me toward Him so I have to believe that He knows what he's doing and who He's doing it through (me).

But I don't have to worry or try to figure that out.
It's His job to lead me.
My job is to rest.
Can I say one more thing?  It's a lot easier to breathe when you rest.

Staying Grounded

These hard days are taking a toll on my body, relationships and mood.  It's not just the mind that gets tired and starts to wander.  I get migraines when I'm dealing with a lot of known and unknown feelings.  Yesterday was no exception.

One of the ways I don't deal with a crowd of people is to slide in and sprint out.  That's what I did at church on Sunday.  Technically I was there but I was about as far as I could be, mentally.  The body made it to the chair and the brain flitted in and out.

Last night I was preparing to drive home.  I answered a text message before putting the car into gear.  It was very foggy - a dense fog.  I knew the way home was going to be without street lights most of the way.  One of my fears is being side swiped or hit head on.  But I had to get home.

Dealing with stress is stressful.  I know myself well enough (not perfectly) to be able to talk myself through almost anything.  Since I'd had a full blown panic attack four days ago, I knew I didn't want to have that happen again.

As I was driving and listening to a Christian CD my favorite song was playing and I zoned out.  Not good being in dense fog and brainless.  The Holy Spirit brought this to mind:  Ground yourself.

Ah, that I knew how to do.  He guided me by having me squeeze my hands on the steering wheel a few times, tap each foot separately onto the floor or the gas pedal, sit up and push my shoulders into my back which caused a few pops, roll my head and my neck cracked and then squeeze my booty so I can feel it on the seat.

By the time I was finished I felt more alert.  I kept telling myself to stay grounded just like they teach at Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health Hospital.  We'd have our feet on the ground and then use our 5 senses.  For example, while I was driving I looked for five objects.

Floating away is a big deal.  God will toss out a life preserver through the Holy Spirit.  In fact, when I was deciding whether or not to call upon the Holy Spirit in the car, I said to myself, "I'm supposed to have a relationship with Him so I can ask for help because Priscilla Shirer said that's what I'm supposed to do."  So, I did it.

I arrived home safely.

Just Being Real

Heavy burden deep in my soul,
Avoiding the people I barely know.
No words have been spoken,
If I did they were few,
Adjectives detached,
Nobody a clue.

A vacant cavern waits to be lit,
This is not the first time, is it?
I do not like intimacy,
A place I avoid.
So the cavern stays dark,
And I stay a droid.

Psalm 25 has affliction and pain,
Abuse leaves marks and it leaves stains.
All can be covered,
A mask for each one.
Wearing them is survival,
It says I am done.

"Come with me, we'll sit,
And talk for awhile."
I know not your intention,
I trust not your smile.
Do not touch me for my pain is great,
There's nothing that hurts like deep heartache.

I choose not to talk,
Nor answer the phone.
No response to your text?
I want to be alone.

Do not disturb me.
I am hiding in the mist.
I know what I am doing,
The Spirit gave my stain a kiss.
-------------------------------------------------------

Psalm 25New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 25[a]

Of David.

1 In you, Lord my God,
    I put my trust.

2 I trust in you;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    nor let my enemies triumph over me.
3 No one who hopes in you
    will ever be put to shame,
but shame will come on those
    who are treacherous without cause.

4 Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
5 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long.
6 Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,
    for they are from of old.
7 Do not remember the sins of my youth
    and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
    for you, Lord, are good.

8 Good and upright is the Lord;
    therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
    and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
    toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.
11 For the sake of your name, Lord,
    forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, are those who fear the Lord?
    He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.[b]
13 They will spend their days in prosperity,
    and their descendants will inherit the land.
14 The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
18 Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.
19 See how numerous are my enemies
    and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
    do not let me be put to shame,
    for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
    because my hope, Lord,[c] is in you.

22 Deliver Israel, O God,
    from all their troubles!