Fatigue

One of the symptoms I dread most about mental illness is fatigue.  The low energy, sluggish feeling that looms darkly for days or weeks at a time.  It doesn't matter if the sun is shining or if my mood is good.  It's fatigue and it sucks.

This time, all of my joints were screaming in pain.  I ached all over.  The weather in Chicagoland wasn't helping.  Ah the joys of winter leaving and spring arriving.  I decided to go see my doctor just to be sure something else wasn't wrong (I had other symptoms, too).  Lots of bloodwork later, I was fine.

Now I wait.

I make sure I rest and push myself just a little bit to take care of myself and the living around me.  Namely, my cats.  I don't isolate.  I keep taking my meds as prescribed.  I do the basics.

One day, the fatigue will lift.
One night, I will sleep better.

Until then, I keep my faith in God that He'll give me the strength I need each day to do His will.  Today, He gave me the strength to do some writing.
For that, I am very grateful.

It's the little things!

Update from the Author

Hello!

My apologies for the lengthy time between my last post and this one.  I have been working on a project that is challenging and rewarding.  I'm writing my story in book form to fulfill God's calling or purpose for my life which is, "To bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering."

"Suffering?"  Yes, from the pain of things I've shared in all of my blog posts.  All of it.  Weaving it together, without triggering details, with the thread of hope and healing power of God's love for us.

I have been blessed with a small group of women who are praying, a supportive family who are helping with some of the factual history and friends who are typing or reading or helping sort through 1,200 pieces of paper of past blog writings to help with content ideas.

Very often I feel inadequate for what God has asked me to do.  When I write, I relive what happened to me.  No longer to the level of total trauma but there's always a sense of sadness.  Thank goodness there are cognitive behavior therapy tools to use.  Thank goodness there are rainbows after the storms.

I feel like Moses standing in front of the burning bush which when he takes a closer look, isn't actually burning.  Then he hears a voice speak to him.  You can find this true account in Exodus 3.

The voice tells him three things:

1.  Take off your sandals for where you are standing is holy ground.

Moses complies.

2.  I have heard the cries of my people and I have come to rescue them.

Moses is glad.

3.  I am sending - you.

Moses - huh?  Who am I?  What if they don't believe me?

Christian comedian Ken Davis acts out a funny little drama using this passage of scripture.  He picks up from where I left off.

Isn't that true of us?  We want proof ahead of time that everything that's going to happen is going to be okay BEFORE we act.  But that wasn't what God was teaching Moses.  He was reassuring Moses that he would not be alone, that God would be with him throughout everything that was going to happen, good or bad.

That's what I've held onto throughout my recovery.  It's what I continue to hold onto as I write my book.  God and I are doing this life together.

I wouldn't want to do anything without Him.

He's the Creator.
I'm the creation.
As it should be.

God's Relentless Pursuit

When I think about God and how much I mean to Him, I think of a police pursuit.

It starts out with sirens blaring.
Screeching tires.
Fast speeds.
More cars added to the chase.
Racing behind me, up along side my car, motioning for me to pull over.
Constant attention.

Is that what the Bible says?
God pursues us recklessly?

No.
Not at all.

Revelation 3:20 says, “Look! I stand at the door and knock. 
If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and
we will share a meal together as friends."
  
He stands at the door and knocks.
He doesn't bulldoze the door down.

There are times it feels like my Christian walk is more like a run.
That's okay - for a period of time.
As long as rest comes in time before burnout happens.

God wants our relationship to downshift from mock 2 to drive.
He doesn't want me to coast without purpose or intention.
He wants me to rely on Him for direction and guidance.
He's the compass and I'm the one holding it, waiting for the path to reveal itself.
His love for me is so great I won't fully comprehend it until I'm in Heaven.

So I put away the police cars, the blaring sirens,
the screeching tires and the reckless speeds.
Instead, I grab hold of the One who knows a slow and
Steady pace builds endurance and overall strength.

This is especially important when managing Bipolar Depression,
Recovery from childhood abuse and coping with other mental illnesses.
The urge to pull back and isolate from a loving relational God
Happens very often.  I give in to it more often than not.
My faith is still strong and I know God loves me during those hard times.

His relationship with me is not based on my ability to relate or talk to Him every waking hour.
It's based on who He is, who the Bible says He is and who worship songs praise Him for.
He's all encompassing.
He knows me by name.
He does not turn away from me when I turn away from Him.
He loves me in my illnesses because He knows what troubles me.
He has compassion, provides help through medication and other resources and
The Holy Spirit gives me wise counsel especially on days I feel most distant.

No need to worry.
God's shoulders are broad.
He has my back!

Distractions, Food & Feelings

Feelings.

It seems to me that distractions would take away the need to zone out on food when it comes to handling the stress in my life.  After all, aren't distractions meant to turn the negative chatter in our head into something positive we can hold onto?  I thought so.

So why have the distractions not worked?  Why have they caused more stress instead of decreasing what's already building up?  Why haven't I seen this coming and done something about it to prevent an onslaught of days with poor eating choices?

Perhaps the eating disorder I have cannot be tricked into obedience.  Maybe it has to be treated like a bad habit and given 21 days straight of changed behavior (healthy behavior) to really change.  Maybe it needs to be inspired by the truths that wait on the other side of fat, in the world of thin.

It begins in my feelings.  Not in my head as a thought but in my gut as a feeling.  It can be hurt or sad or scared or pissed off or any of over 300 emotions.  

Feelings.

My job is to be in touch with how I'm feeling and follow that feeling to the end of it's cycle.  Don't eat over it or distract myself away from it but feel it.  I'm in the infancy stage of doing just that and it's no fun, I can testify.

What's worse is living with disappointment in myself and throwing rocks at my feeble efforts.  I have this grandiose reflection of myself that lies to me and tells me I can fix everything on my own without the help of others. 

You see, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I don't like many people and I trust even fewer.  When one of those trusted people puts an expectation on me or makes a decision for me without speaking to me first, we have a problem.  I'm entitled to my privacy and I'm entitled to my existence.

Getting down to the feelings is hard but not impossible.

Staying friends is hard when I feel wounded and angry.

I have to stay in check so that I don't do or say something hurtful.

I have to remember they, too, have feelings.

And I remember:

Feelings are feelings.

Struggling with Depression

Sorry I've been so irregular in my posts.  I've been wondering why I've had to push so hard to accomplish the menial tasks.  It's depression and it's back again.

I'm not sure if it's necessary for a medication adjustment.  I don't want to be dependent on my psychiatrist to make that decision and yet I find the boundary lines smudged.  Can I make that determination on my own?

I wake up in the morning still tired.  I'm waking up in the middle of the night but I'm able to go back to sleep.  My thoughts are foggy, not clear.  I have an agenda for part of the day which I accomplish but the open time I struggle to keep busy.  I mean I can keep busy but it's not productive.

Sometimes I have a mini meltdown and watch movies.  Other times I take a nap and the chatter in my head continues.  Then there are days like this when the day is long and feels never ending.  Those are the hard days.

My chest gets tight from the stress of not knowing what to do.  I did take myself to the library yesterday for some books from authors I enjoy.  I thought that might help.  I'm going to try reading after I finish writing this post.  It's worth a try.  I'm worth a try.

Bipolar Depression is a challenge to manage.

Staying on top of it is key.

If this doesn't get better in a week, I'll go see my psychiatrist.

Maybe it is the medication???