What I'm Learning Using Self-Care

Self-care is, for me, learning to change self-destructive behaviors into positive self-love behaviors, within God's purpose, the healing of Jesus, and the counsel of the Holy Spirit.

Food is my hardest form of self-harm.  I've lost 54 physical pounds but even more emotional weight.  I'm not done yet.  I still struggle with pulling out my hair from time to time and chewing on the inside of my cheeks.  I've stopped other forms of self-injury for over four years.  I overeat or hurt myself when I'm stuck in a quandary of feelings.  Only by God's grace am I nine years sober.

I'm learning to not "be brave" anymore.  I'm learning how to feel emotions, learning their names, and trying not to tell someone I'm fine when I'm not.  I'm crying, talking while I'm crying, having crying breakdowns and crying in front of my therapist and Bible study friends.  This is good progress and self-care.

With depression, I'm learning the difference between isolation and quiet time.  One is unhealthy; the other is for replenishing.  There are days I'm physically exhausted and can't think.  That's when I've pushed myself too far.  As an introvert, who has multiple mental illnesses, I need to balance my time better and set aside quiet days to do nothing - like rest.

I'm recognizing depression runs in cycles and how important it is to see my therapist more often and tell my psychiatrist so he can adjust my medications or prescribe TMS treatments.  I no longer blame myself for causing it.  It's the brain chemistry getting goofy.  I make sure I've taken my medications and if so, I don't freak out.

I'm reaching out to family and friends for support (especially grief support) and try to let go of the guilt of not being able to give back during these times...to say, "I'm sorry, I can't get together or talk.  I need prayer."  They understand.  They tell me they miss me, they love me, and ask if I need anything.  Love in action.  Blessings each one.

I want to live in God's hope, participate in a few social gatherings a month, take care of my pets, and live in the identity God gave me. 

I can't do that without proper self-care.  Self-care requires change.  That's where it begins. 
A willingness to change.  With God guiding - not me!

Winter Depression

In the northwest suburbs of Chicago, gray skies and the cold chill in the air are signs that winter has arrived.  Even the first big snowfall that has already melted reminds me that we've only just begun the season of shoveling, tossing ice melt and warming up our cars. 

Then there are snowplows clearing streets, parking lots and driveways all hours of the day and night spreading salt and people firing up their snowblowers (I wish more would help their neighbors). 

Kids bundled up sledding down hills, building snow characters and forts, and snowballs flying through the air.  Parents pulling saucers or wagons with little ones holding on or a dog or two enjoying a ride!

Snowmobiles.  Ice fishing.  Ice hockey.  Ice skating.  Chewing on icicles.  Don't eat yellow snow.  Walking on the frozen river.  Some good memories of my childhood.

Even with all of these activities happening all around us, especially the celebrated arrival of Jesus Christ on Christmas Day, many of us feel depressed.  Our reason for winter depression is as different as there are people yet we all feel the same.  None of us is alone in our depression.

The lie we believe?
"I am alone."  No, you're not!

The truth:
"God loves you.  He sees you.  He hears you when you call out to him.  He collects every tear you shed.  He wants to have a personal relationship with you and you with him."

Winter Depression is hard and it's harder without a care team.  Seek help from a psychiatrist, a therapist, or ask your doctor.

Use my links on the right to get started with NAMI and The Mighty.

Bipolar Depression

Bipolar depression is a thief that steals joy, basic function and all desires of being able to feel better.

It creeps up on you like a thief in the night and robs you of happiness, freedom to live a full life and be able to do tasks that can set your mind free and at ease.

It captures your head in a vice. 
It doesn't squeeze but you can feel your head heavy.
Thoughts are non-existent.
Feelings?  Swing from anger to frustration then to denial and back again.

There's no mania.
Nothing to rescue you from the cold darkness inside.
I try to sleep but I can't.
I hear myself cry out in the night.

Bipolar depression.
Pain locked up inside with no way to escape.
No one to talk to.
My therapist is out for the day. 

I talk to my doctor via my portal.
She's compassionate.
I feel......warmth.
Then I'm dead.

I close my eyes.
I'm tired.
I can't sleep.
I'm bipolar depression.

The End

How I Survive Suicidal Thoughts

My story out of the darkness.

"My name is Amy.  I am twelve years old and I can't stop him from hurting me.  I have nowhere to go.  Nowhere is safe.  I live in a family but I am alone."

That was my first suicide attempt almost forty years ago.  It failed.  I woke up and cleaned our house as if nothing had happened.  I went back to living with an overly abusive dad, feeling scared and alone, hoping someone would hear my silent cries for help.

Two years later, my mom did.

Even though I've had years of extensive recovery, including a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the one thing that remains a constant battle is suicidal thoughts.  They are intrusive and at times very intense.  No amount of prayer has lessened the frequency of intrusion.

But that's not the end.

I have learned one life saving truth:  My suicidal thoughts are triggered by several factors and experiences.  I have to be and I do mean HAVE TO BE gut level raw honest with myself AS SOON AS THOSE THOUGHTS START.  Honest about what and what do I do?

Below are the five basic things I do to keep myself alive:

1.  What am I feeling?  For me, feeling suicidal is not a feeling.  It's a response to how I'm REALLY feeling.  The suicidal thoughts are the ugly monster that is holding me hostage.  I'm usually feeling depressed, hopeless, scared (most of the time), overwhelmed, alone, not understood, misunderstood, a freak, unlovable, angry, like my mental illness is winning and my chronic pain hurts hurts hurts.

2.  I stop dwelling on the suicidal thoughts.  If you feed the monster the monster will grow.  Now that I've identified the real feeling, even if I'm still feeling a bit shaky, I can move forward just a little bit.  I don't try to work on the feeling too much.  Maybe some drawing but definitely time with my therapist and a friend.

3.  I change my posture.  I don't have suicidal thoughts when I'm standing and moving around.  I have them when I'm laying down or sitting in deep thought.  If I'm having a bad chronic pain day, I try to shift my posture even if it's for only a few minutes.  The goal is to break the thought pattern with body movement.

4.  I redirect myself.  Just this past week I was triggered and couldn't identify what I was feeling.  It wasn't until a few days later when I realized how sad I felt at the momentum suicide is gaining and the lives the monster is enveloping.  When I met with my therapist and told her about my struggle, I cried.  Then I  told her about a goal I made which redirected those thoughts into something positive.  I felt proud of myself.

5.  I remind myself that help is available and these thoughts are just thoughts.  They cannot harm me.  It feels like they can at the time they're happening but that's the LIE the monster tells.  It's not true!

I hope this gives you some usable ideas and helps you on your journey toward healing and wholeness!

If you can't shake those suicidal thoughts on your own and want to talk to someone 24/7 please dial 800-273-8255.

God loves you.  He hasn't abandoned you or forgotten about you.  In fact, he created you for a very special purpose!  Please stay and find out what that is.

I Dream

Oh how I dream that there would be an organization where people with mental illness and disabilities and fixed low incomes, who fall through the help of government help, could go to for financial assistance when charities and churches can no longer help.

Am I meant to start such a place?

A place of pooled resources from those who have much who have a heart for the plight of the moderate poor in our country?  A heart for those who are judged and even frowned upon for living in America where so much abundance overflows yet they are forced to scavenge for their most basic needs.  Needs like good nutrition, reliable transportation and excellent health care.

Why are we who are living on so little forced to deal with so much?  Why do some of us, myself included, feel so dependent on those close to us but so embarrassed and ashamed to mutter the words we too often have to say:  Help me, again.

I cringe every time and I cry at the thought.

I look into the future of the next couple of months and know summer is only going to get hotter in the northern suburbs of Chicago.  Yes, I have two window air conditioners already mounted from previous years but something is different this year.  This year I didn't qualify for LIHEAP - a program for low income energy assistance.  I missed it by $64.  I missed out on about $700 worth of help by $64.  It's the reality we live with everyday.  We who are marginalized in this country. 

I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not looking for...I don't know.  I'm just saying, people like me who live on fixed incomes and aren't faking it really do struggle to survive.  But we are also some of the strongest people you'll ever meet.

We say no to a lot.  Sometimes we say yes when we should say no but who doesn't?  Then there are days like today when you give yourself permission to feel overwhelmed and sad for a bit but you know you have God on your side and you're truly not alone in the mess of this life.

So maybe I have to let my fingers do some research for financial assistance elsewhere.  Maybe I have to not run the air conditioning but that also makes me physically ill so that's not really an option.  I know God has a plan so all I have to do is the footwork.

For the future, way in the future, maybe if my book is successful, I can help people - after I help myself a little bit.  Maybe I can start a ministry that can give one time gifts to those in need as the IRS allows.  And maybe, with God's blessing, He and I can start something that will be healthy, joyous and free.

Because, people like me?  Our needs never go away.

And I think we are unfairly discriminated.