I'm not alone when I say how difficult it is to tell someone they've hurt you. I've been hurt by many people in many ways. I've also hurt people without knowing it.
As a child, I was powerless over someone hurting me. I was told to stay quiet, don't tell and threatened with additional hurt: "If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about." What awful words to say to an already hurting child. I would rather have had a punishment that fit the crime, a talking to without the smell of beer and bloodshot eyes and the use of his hands on my body. I yearned for a hug when I was hurting; not more hurting. But seldom do a child's wishes come true when the disease of alcoholism is running the home and there is no safe place to hide.
As a teenager, when I began recovery, I had no idea how messed up I was and how long it would take to build a self-worth and self-esteem. Had I known then what I know now, I'd tell myself the road is going to be a long one with many rest areas along the way. There will be smelly gas station bathrooms, wrong turns and weather conditions that aren't ideal. Some roads will be traveled only once and others many times. I will be under construction longer than I hoped but the changes will become more permanent. I will grow used to the traffic patterns and make necessary adjustments along the way. Most of the adult workers will be good guides and some of them won't. Even if the destination looks out of reach, one day, I will get there.
I don't like telling people they've done or said something that hurt me. It's very hard to do. I've had to tell my Dad, my Mom, friends, my therapists and even my doctor.
I've had to....
Speak
Speak the Truth
Speak the Truth In Love
As an adult, speaking can still be hard to do. I'm a much better writer than I am a talker. If I could go through this life using only this blog, messaging and email, I'd feel the freedom of a giant inside. I love God with all of my being but I must be honest and say how bummed I felt when I learned He created us to be relational. That means speaking - not writing.
Once I've swallowed the reality that I'm going to have to speak to someone, then speaking the truth becomes a little easier. I live my life based ON truth and IN truth. The trick is whether or not I can get to the bottom of what the truth is. This is when I rely on the facts and then the feelings. You've probably heard it said, "Feelings are not facts." True. But I, as a feelings person, rely on my feelings to tell me when something is right or wrong. An example would be feeling angry when I catch someone in a lie. Even though the lie came first and then my feeling, I still have to communicate the lie and how it made me feel. I've been taught, by the mental health field, to use a statement such as this: "When you lied about calling in my prescription, I felt angry. Next time could you please tell me the truth?"
Sounds a bit harsh, right? I agree. Instead of leading off with the fact, I begin by recreating the scene. This serves to jog their memory and warm them up to the truth I need to say: "When you called and told me my prescription would be called into my pharmacy in ten minutes, I felt relieved because I was already two days without it. But when I called the pharmacy and even on the next day it still hadn't been called in, I felt angry and lied to." State the fact then my feeling. Speaking the truth.
The final step (for me) can be the most challenging if I haven't cleaned up my side of the street first. What I mean by that is asking myself if I did anything to cause this hurt and then forgiving the person as I would want to be forgiven. Am I harboring ill will toward that individual? Is the word, "homicide," a large part of my everyday living when I think about what this person "did" to me? If so, I back myself up and wait. I make myself wait so that I don't add unnecessary injury (not literally) to the person(s) who harmed me. Have I worked it all out of my system with the help of God? My therapist? My friends? When I can say, "Yes," only then can I confront and resolve the issue(s) with that person. Speaking the truth in love means I am in control of my emotions but not pretending everything is okay. I am honest but do not cause injury with my words. I am forgiving because Jesus forgave me.
Speaking the truth in love teaches me how to treat others and it teaches others how to treat me.
