About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Saturday, May 23, 2015

A Beautiful Obituary for John Moore


Houston Chronicle Obituary for John Moore…And a Few Family Pics

On Monday night, May 18, 2015, the Lord swept Marcell “John” Moore, the dearly loved patriarch of our family, to Heaven, after he’d overcome enormous health challenges for years, valiantly cheating death again and again. We are blessed beyond words that he fought courageously to live against all odds and we count dear every moment we had with him. After a number of hospitalizations over the previous year, we are deeply grateful to God that John was home, surrounded by family in the days and hours leading to his passing and at the time he took his last breath. A man has never been more loved by his family than John Moore and due, in such large part, because he taught us well and loved us well. The great affection he fostered among us kept us all close, living life together and laughing, particularly at him. He was the star of the family and could hold the floor like no one else. We were audience to continual stories and anecdotes retold with tremendous color, flair, and no little exaggeration. None of us has to wonder how he felt about us. We were told often how much he loved us.
His is a household name in Houston, Texas. Down any freeway in this city, you can still see the words “Call John and Get Moore” on plumbing trucks and most Houston residents could sing the jingle from the commercial in a heartbeat. He started John Moore Plumbing Company in 1965 with one set of tools in the back of a black van on Vogue Lane and, in his tenure, the company serviced 750,000 homes. The company was sold in 2004 but not until he’d managed to mark the plumbing industry in Houston with a gentleman’s handsome face and winsome way. His hospital room and home were graced continually by countless friends and business associates.
Born in Houston on January 8, 1934 to Marcell John Moore “Red” and Mary Moore, John loved this city and never lived a moment of his life outside the area. He leaves behind his wife of 62 years, Mary “Sue” Pereira Moore, whom he adored and constantly called “my bride.” Perhaps nothing conveys how lovely she was to him like the fact that he did not feel nearly so called to become a Catholic priest once he set his sights on her. Needless to say, his change in vocation from future priest to future king of plumbing is one to which we – his children – owe considerable thanks.
Alongside his wife, John was a devoted Catholic and his faith in Jesus Christ grew dearer and dearer to him. They were members of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church in Houston for many years then, after moving to the country beside their son and daughter-in-law, they became members of Saint Anne Catholic Church in Tomball, Texas. He was preceded in death by his brothers Ronnie Moore and Pat Moore and leaves behind one sister, Etta Heemer. John and Mary’s two beloved children, Marcell John Moore III (“Duke”) and Nalda Jean Moore Presnell each preceded him in death. Our consolation in the loss of a family man we can never replace is that he holds the two of them in his arms this very moment.
Left to recount endless stories about him are his son, Keith Moore and his daughter-in-law Beth Moore of Tomball, Texas, his daughter Tina Moore Carroll and his son-in-law John Carroll of the Woodlands, Texas, and his daughter Mary Moore Meadows and his son-in-law Mike Meadows of Waco, Texas. If it sounds like from our locations that leaving Texas would have been an almost unpardonable sin, we say with a grin that perhaps, then, you understand our family. We stick close. And we are so glad he insisted on it. John had no greater joy in his life than his six grandchildren, all of whom adored him. Tearful farewells were said to him by Amanda Moore Jones and her husband, Rev. Curtis Jones, Melissa Moore, Ben Meadows, Joe Meadows and his wife, Chauntell, John Taylor Carroll, and Hannah Carroll. Their tremendous attentiveness and help to their grandfather and grandmother enabled Hospice to oversee his care but primarily and confidently leave John in the hands of his family until the Lord took him home. John also had the privilege to love and be active in the lives of his two great-grandchildren, Jackson (9) and Annabeth Jones (6). He ended his life here having the joy and satisfaction of knowing that two more great grandchildren would be born into our family this year. We have smiled saying that God knew it would take the addition of two people to comfort us in the loss of the one big personality we will miss deeply.
We are grateful for the doctors and the nurses at Tomball Regional Hospital who knew him well from his many visits and loved him. We are also inexpressibly grateful for the last four years of his life spent in the fresh air of the country where he sat atop every conceivable John Deere on wheels and ruled the roost. These woods and neighbors will never forget him. We don’t plan to let them.
 Here are a few random pictures of our branch of the Moore family with our beloved Big Pops:
This is one of my favorites because it captures both Keith and his dad’s expressions when Keith shows him a document that proves their ancestors were in Texas while it was still a Republic.
With Keith
 This one doesn’t show what a lovely woman Keith’s mother is but I had to include it because this is Big Pops taking completely over when we built our two houses out in woods so thick with vines and brush that we had to hack our way into it. He was in his absolute element overseeing the development of the houses and yards and water wells. Here with his blueprints.
 Blueprints
Here he is with our Jackson not long after we moved in. We four generations were so blessed to do a tremendous amount of life together. Not many kids get to know their great grandparents as well as Jackson and Annabeth did. We consider it a gift beyond price.
 With Jackson
 Here with Annabeth the first year we lived in the woods:
With AB
 With me on the gator. He took a gator ride seriously. The first two years we lived in the woods were dream years for us with him. His health stayed pretty stable and, as he had a natural God-given inclination to do, he ran the place. And we let him. He never got off the saddle of some kind of John Deere.
on gator
I love this one so much because it shows him a bit younger. This is Amanda with both her grandparents at her wedding. You can see what a beautiful woman Keith’s mom is in this picture. Not to mention that first grandchild in that wedding dress.
wedding
 These next two are very recent. Big Pops with Melissa. Good grief, he was crazy about her. He loved his six grandkids to no end. Amanda and Melissa were his first two.
 photo
 This last one is not the greatest picture but it is a classic. Amanda, the eldest grandchild, had the foresight to plan an evening for the grandkids to come over to his house and celebrate him. Lover of Ireland that he was, she chose St. Patrick’s Day, his all-time favorite. We knew he wouldn’t be with us for long. He was nearly on his deathbed even then. The grandkids told him their favorite memories with him and he reciprocated with stories of his own. It was the greatest night. We laughed our heads off and partied to high heaven. The only sad part is that two of the grandkids were missing with the flu. I hate that they weren’t part of this night. We will remember it forever. Ben (top) and Joe (left) Meadows, the young guys in this picture, are two of the finest young men I have ever known. The tender care these two gave their grandfather in his last days and hours and countless previous times was just astounding. They spent night after night in the hospital and at his home, holding his hand and tending to every conceivable need. Joe is a paramedic and he single-handedly enabled us to take care of our loved one with a minimum amount of oversight from Hospice over the last forty-eight hours. It was just family. A tremendously sacred time.
On St Patrick's Day
 Thank you so much for indulging us. People process grief different ways. I mostly write. Well, and of late, play hymns on my new antique piano. I’ve never been more grief stricken over losing someone of such advanced years, even knowing it was coming. He was just such a force in our family. Such a wonderful handful of a man. He could be the biggest mess. So much fun. And he was good and ornery. Just one of those kinds of people who can never be replaced. I feel like a gigantic meteor hurled straight through these woods and left a huge, gaping hole. I had the privilege to be loved like a blood daughter to my father-in-law. Thirty-six years is some substantial bonding and, what it doesn’t provide, living right next door does. He told me continually how much he loved me. I would not have traded this exact father-in-law for all the stellar dads in the world. I will miss him every single day.
To leave Beth and her family a personal message, please click on the following link then go down to the bottom of her page on her blog: Click here to be sent to the Living Proof Blog

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Keep on Writing

My mind is swimming with topics for my book.  Pieces of my life that haven't yet been recorded that are fresh in my mind.  How will I ever get this finished?

Lord, give me clear recollection and steady typing hands so that I can purge the past out of my mind and onto your potter's wheel where you can remove the mire and shape the whole of this creation into the perfect and complete form you have purposed it to be.

Oh, God my Father, gaze upon my little girl's shattered spirit, with your eyes so tender, filled with tears, and cheeks stained with sorrow, for the many hurts her small mind did not understand, for the many hurts her small body could not stop, for the grief and sorrow You felt, not being able to stop it.

Having that picture in my mind of where I was, who entered the room, the time of day, dissociating so I see myself hovering over the bed.  Very clear.

Others just as clear but different.
Different people.
Different locations.
Same - being told what to do.
Same - being asked questions.
Different - reason for bleeding

Not sure what else to write.

In fourth grade I had two friends and we were at the same grade school.  One day during fourth grade, a big scale was rolled in and everyone had to be weighed.  One of my friends was in front of me so I heard her weight then it was my turn.  I really didn't think anything of this until after school.

I'm in line for the bus when my other friend (and hers) comes up to me and accuses me of telling everyone our friend's weight.  I deny this but it doesn't matter.  My friend threatens to beat me up if whatever happens.  I didn't argue, I didn't keep eye contact with her - I thought to myself, "You have no idea what I'm dealing with at home.  I can beat the living crap out of you."

Here's the thing:  By 4th grade, I already have a split personality, I'm pulling my hair out of my head.  I'm numb to any feelings, I'll defend myself and my family against whoever is a threat, I can stare you down like you won't believe, don't make a threat unless you're ready to pay the price.

Here's the feeling:  Rage

Hindsight:  Keeping silent was the best decision I made.  I might have looked cowardice but behind that kitten was a lion.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Failure and the Mountain

Ever feel like a failure?
Ever feel like most of the rest of you has experienced great accomplishments but this one part of you can't seem to make it over the mountain?
No matter what gear you use or how well you think you've prepared, that mountain remains the one obstacle you cannot get over.  No matter what you do.

It's disheartening, really.
To have such an obstacle in front of you, knowing in every other area of your life you have overcome.  You have overcome some ugly sins against you.  Sins that should have taken your life had it not been for an all loving God.  By His grace I was saved from unsuccessful suicide attempts, advancing self-injurious behavior, drinking escalating no matter where I was and mental illness.

I held down jobs because I am smart.  Very smart.  Low genius smart but nevertheless genius.  No college education.  Technology came easy to me.  Still does.
Disabled because of my diagnosis.  Can't think straight most of the time.  Genius reduced to greatest secret ever hidden.  Don't like being smart.  Very smart.
Especially when facing failure and the mountain.


Thursday, May 07, 2015

A Funeral and A Kleenex Box - Pt 2

When I received Ann's email, about the passing of her husband, I felt a heaviness on my shoulders and a lump in my spirit.  It wasn't because it was a surprise.  It was because the pain she and their family had been watching him live through was over.  I felt very sad for the grief she was about to go through.


I sat for a moment and considered my options for which service to attend.  The wake or the funeral.  I decided the funeral.  Most wakes I've been to have been crowded and you don't really have any one on one time with the grieving person you came to see.  Other times, I've sat quietly in a chair where my friend can look over and make eye contact with me.  I've been told that's brought them a lot of comfort.


Since my friend and I don't share an everyday friendship, she's been emailing me for prayer, which I am humbled to do every time she asks.  You might know this yourself - when you are praying on behalf of someone you love, the Holy Spirit brings that person to mind and often times prays for them on your behalf.  There's a closeness that happens - you are drawn together in Him.


Here's my response to her husband passing away:

Oh, dear.
I was sensing he wasn't doing well.
I'm so sad for your loss, Ann.
I plan on being there Saturday.
I'm asking God to carry you through the next few days as you are greeting people who love you and Artie.  I'm asking God to give you the emotional and mental strength you'll need for those times when you need it.  Lastly, I'm asking God to whisper His love for you when you lay your head down to sleep, when your thoughts are memories and your tears are tender love.
Hugs and Kleenex,
Amy

She responded by saying:

Thanks. I think we need a ton of Kleenex and that's a very good thing. 


I had boat loads of anxiety before going to the funeral and worked through it:
I'm fat - I can't do anything about that today.
I don't have anything to wear - wear what's comfortable (jeans, jean shirt, take Aaron with me - Aaron's shoes & earrings)
I'll ask my sister to go with me - unfortunately she had to work
Don't go early - Get to the funeral at 11:00 so as to avoid crowd mingling
Don't go into church where everyone else is seated for service - stay in foyer
Bring a card and a pretty box of Kleenex with a note "To Ann  With Love Amy"
Wait until the end when his casket is taken away in the hearse.  If it's meant to be that I see her, God will make the way.
Don't be nervous.  Be comforting and bring God's peace to her.


And that's exactly what happened. 


We were able to have some private words.
I thanked God for keeping me in check.
I felt good about being able to function under duress.
I hold loosely to this friendship.
She is well loved by many.


Lord, whatever Ann needs, whoever can serve her the best, that's what I want for her.
Amen

Monday, May 04, 2015

A Funeral and A Kleenex Box - Pt 1

I've written before about a high school teacher whose friendship and guidance saved me from committing suicide.  She was my freshman General Business teacher and each year after I had her for at least one class.  She would meet with me after school when she was in charge of detention.  We would write to each other and she'd help me through some tough stuff.


During the past thirty years, we've managed to keep in touch though not as much as I would have liked.  She and her husband own property up by my mom's and as it turns out both of us would wonder if the other were up there at the same time.  I missed seeing her, talking to her and listening to how she was doing.  Come to find out she was less than a forty minute drive from me.


On  Nov 3, 2014, I was surprised to receive an email from her stating, "My husband needs huge health prayers.  I'll tell you more later.  Thanks sooo much.  I know you're great with it."


About a week before she sent the email they found a large brain tumor.  She kept me posted. They found out it was the most aggressive kind.  He went through radiation, chemotherapy and everything they could.  I tried to stay in touch with her, praying for her, for him, for the entire family, the awfulness of the cancer and anything that God put into my head.  She'd chat with me from time to time just to have some normalcy.  I could hear in her writing the weight she was carrying so I kept the small talk small and did not wander off into deep or unnecessary issues.


For the month of November, I sent an email every week.  Words of encouragement, reminders of self-care and reassurance that what she's doing is okay.  And then our communication naturally stopped.  She sent a note at Christmas.  When my bout with depression was so low at the beginning of the year and a few months into it, I sent an email to her in March checking in.  I'd been having a sense that her husband was dying.  I was already praying for them.  When I didn't hear anything back from her, I checked the internet to see if he had passed.  He hadn't.  I continued to pray as often as I could realizing I was now dealing with my depression and the upcoming five year anniversary of my nephew's death.  It was a lot to manage.


This past week is when I received her response to that email.  Her husband passed away last Sunday evening.  She gave me the arrangements and thanked me for the continued prayers and support.  It's helped them through this "stinking stuff."
I will share with you how difficult it was to work through a bucket load of anxiety and many other emotions.


But that's for tomorrow.