Lord, give me clear recollection and steady typing hands so that I can purge the past out of my mind and onto your potter's wheel where you can remove the mire and shape the whole of this creation into the perfect and complete form you have purposed it to be.
Oh, God my Father, gaze upon my little girl's shattered spirit, with your eyes so tender, filled with tears, and cheeks stained with sorrow, for the many hurts her small mind did not understand, for the many hurts her small body could not stop, for the grief and sorrow You felt, not being able to stop it.
Having that picture in my mind of where I was, who entered the room, the time of day, dissociating so I see myself hovering over the bed. Very clear.
Others just as clear but different.
Different people.
Different locations.
Same - being told what to do.
Same - being asked questions.
Different - reason for bleeding
Not sure what else to write.
In fourth grade I had two friends and we were at the same grade school. One day during fourth grade, a big scale was rolled in and everyone had to be weighed. One of my friends was in front of me so I heard her weight then it was my turn. I really didn't think anything of this until after school.
I'm in line for the bus when my other friend (and hers) comes up to me and accuses me of telling everyone our friend's weight. I deny this but it doesn't matter. My friend threatens to beat me up if whatever happens. I didn't argue, I didn't keep eye contact with her - I thought to myself, "You have no idea what I'm dealing with at home. I can beat the living crap out of you."
Here's the thing: By 4th grade, I already have a split personality, I'm pulling my hair out of my head. I'm numb to any feelings, I'll defend myself and my family against whoever is a threat, I can stare you down like you won't believe, don't make a threat unless you're ready to pay the price.
Here's the feeling: Rage
Hindsight: Keeping silent was the best decision I made. I might have looked cowardice but behind that kitten was a lion.
