The Art of Worrying

There's no doubt I have a lot on my mind that I'm not sure how to sort through it.  I visualize inside my head many file cabinets to put my thoughts into once I have overcome the stress and worry.  They are neatly tucked away and the drawer is shut.  Whatever issue was consuming my emotional well-being was resolved and finished.  You'd think after so many years in recovery, so many books read, years of church attendance and volunteering and leading others, so many times reading and memorizing scripture, so many years of therapy and hospitalizations, that the worry and fear of having done something wrong and feeling like someone is mad at me when there is not one shred of evidence wouldn't enter my head and I wouldn't feel sick to my stomach.  I am thinking it now.  Not just about a person but about my life.  As it is today.  Compared to no one.  The blog I wrote about legalizing same sex marriage....that was raw.  I don't share that part of my past because I'm afraid of what my friends will think of me.  I feel sad inside.  I know I can spout out all of the positive I've seen God do in and through me and yet....I still feel sad.  I need to have a serious talk with one of my doctors.  I don't want to do it because I'm afraid.  Afraid that if I confront the unacceptable situation I was put in, he'll drop me as a patient.  I tell myself that he'd want to know what I have to say and in three years I've trusted him for my mental care and not once was the ball dropped.  This was a big drop....I feel afraid.  My car has a repair list that requires money I don't have.  Suspension, brakes, side mirror and other things I can't remember.  I feel helpless and afraid.  It's not like God hasn't provided for my every need because He's done that and beyond.  It's not like I have friends who are willing to help and reassure me not to worry.  It just reminds me of the mental illness and back disabilities that caused me to not be able to work anymore.  I remember the day God gave me that car.  I remember the girls at work all wanting a ride so we piled in and cranked the tunes.  I remember the day I paid it off - the day the title arrived in the mail.  You see, the engine runs perfectly and only has 124K.  The last Saturn I owned got up to 250K.  All good things.  And yet....I feel scared, helpless and afraid.  I keep telling myself that other people would love to switch places with me.  Their problems are a lot more complex or involve their family or where they'll live or their health.  So I guess there's only one thing left to say:  The art of worrying is the result of not trusting that everything is going to be okay.

My Story As It Relates To Legalizing Same Sex Marriage

On Friday, June 26, 2015, the headlines around the world read, 

"The U.S. Supreme Court legalized marriage for same-sex couples in all 50 states." 

Like most decisions made in our land, a lot of people have very strong emotions and opinions about why they believe what they believe.  This ruling is no different.  There are heated debates, professional commentators arguing for and against the ruling and even on Facebook some of my friends have surprised me.  Not because of what they believe but because of what they say to those with whom they disagree.  It saddens me.

When I was growing up and being abused by multiple men and women physically, sexually, etc. it messed me up.  It messed me up in more ways than I can tell you.  The healing from that damage has taken 34 years so far and continues to this day.  Thank God for trained professionals.

During Junior High when most young people are forming friendships and some are dating, I was hiding inside myself because I knew nobody would like me.  But I had a teacher who showed kindness toward me.  At that young age, with limited knowledge about love, I believe I fell in love with her.  It wasn't sexual love - it was tenderness.  She gave me the attention I was starving for at home.  I wanted to attach myself to her (emotionally) but I think I freaked her out.  It wasn't common for someone my age (11) to grow an attachment to another adult so deeply but I did.  Eventually she had to get rid of me.  She even grew angry at me which hurt like nothing I'd ever felt.

I had some dates in Junior High.  I didn't date at all in High School with anyone from my school.  I was in Alateen and met a sweet guy who went to another High School.  We dated for awhile but then he met someone who would have sex with him.  That's something I knew I never wanted to do. The next guy wanted the same thing and even though we were engaged, I never gave in.  He left because it.  

When I was in therapy at 15 years old, the counselor thought I was gay and told me so for many years.  I didn't know much about that word except it was two people of the same sex having sex.  I argued with her each time it was brought up.  I don't know why she thought I was gay other than I looked like a boy in the way I dressed, I had a tough exterior and wore my bangs long so they covered my eyes.  I like to think she misunderstood being gay for the sexual abuse protection I put around myself.

My first true love was a female.  She gave me all the love and friendship I was starving for and I gave it to her in return.  She was married, had a house, kids and a dog.  We related to each other on many levels yet she was my mom's age.  I'd do anything for her.  She was the first person I had sexual feelings toward.  It scared me.  I never told her but I think she knew.  She ended our relationship in a restaurant without any warning and a poor reason.  I was shattered.  I vowed to never trust anyone again.  And I didn't.

Not until I met a woman who nurtured my past hurts.  Our relationship just sort of happened.  She ended up divorcing her husband and we moved in together.  After I met her I gave my life to Jesus.  I brought this lesbian relationship up to my Christian counselor.  She told me that back in those days, men were leaving their wives for other men.  That's why it's in the old testament.  I knew nothing much about the Bible so it made sense to me.  But it never felt right.  It wasn't the woman, it was the lifestyle.  I ended the relationship after three years and tried to move on but then there was this other woman.

She was able to get passed the Bible verses.  She intrigued me.  Due to a set of  circumstances, I moved in with her and was very happy.  We lived a great life, I loved her like no other, the sex was safe and satisfying and she even gave me a ring.  I was "out" of the closet, my family knew but then I had to tell my leader at church.  I still felt this twinge inside that this kind of relationship still wasn't right in the eyes of God.  I was given an ultimatum by the Elders to either end the relationship or step down from serving in the church.  I decided that no one had the right to tell me what to do on my journey with God so I stepped down and didn't go back for almost a year.  

During the next year I asked God or maybe even pleaded with Him, "Please tell me who you made me to be sexually so that I never waiver again."  God answered that prayer months later through a lesbian wedding where I knew what I was witnessing was against God's plan for His children then through a radio station that quoted this verse: 

1 Cor 10:13

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

And finally, during the week of June 17-24, 1993, I kept hearing more and more teaching on the radio that felt like God was speaking directly to me.  In the end, I had my answer:  I was not gay and this lifestyle is preventing me from doing His work in the church and in the lives of others.

I ended that relationship and she understood.  She really understood.  I had to make many hard changes like moving away from the lesbian community I'd grown to love and become a part of, returning to church and having to explain to a few people that YES, I now had a solid understanding of who I was in God's eyes and I went to my first singles retreat.  I met a group of single people who were fun.  I could trust them and later ended up on the leadership team and telling my story at a retreat.  The name of the group was John 8:32 which says, "You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free."

Along the way, God has brought women who love me regardless of my past.  None of them, so far, have been surprised at my gay involvement.  It's the most vulnerable part of my story - afraid of being judged or looked upon as dirty.  I'm beyond grateful to God for His grace and never ending love in this and so many other areas of my life.

Words are powerful.  They can edify and destroy.  They can give love or anger.  They can cause someone to hold their head up high or bow their head down in shame.  What do your words say about you?

Words cannot be taken back once the tongue has spoken them.  This is a passage from James 3:7-12  that reminds me to think before I speak no matter how passionate I feel about a subject, especially one I do not agree to support.  

"7 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, 8 but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. 9 Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. 10 And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! 11 Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? 12 Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring."

My opinion about legalizing same sex marriage is simple.  As a Christian, God made man and woman to support one another under the law of marriage.  Because of my belief, even though my experience in the lesbian community was filled with love and acceptance, I disagree with the ruling.  Does that mean I dislike the people?  Of course not.  Jesus taught us to love everyone and that's how I try to live my life.

But I will tell you this.  It hasn't been easy.  There are times I wonder why some people get to live in a safe community and I have to live in this harsh world.  I feel sorry for myself.  But then I remember the three Christians who asked me how I knew I wasn't gay.  I shared my story just like I did above.  I never told them what was right or what was wrong for them.  What I told them is that it's a personal decision between them and God.  If you have any doubts, pray about it.  God will surely answer your prayer because He wants what's best for you.

In closing, if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus (asking Him to forgive your sin, come into your heart and be your Savior) that's a lot more important than whether you are gay or straight.  Get that settled first.

When God Says, "Trust Me."

Trust, take a risk and put your faith in Me.
Trust, take a risk and ask Me for help.
Trust, take a risk and bring to My throne all your doubts and fears.
Trust, you will see that I AM who I say I AM.

Trust Me, for I will provide you all your needs.
Trust Me, for I can see into the future what you cannot see.
Trust Me, for I am a faithful God to those who know Me.
Trust Me, for you are My precious child.

Trust In Me, wisdom about your situation exceeds your understanding.
Trust In Me, My plans for you are filled with all the desires of your heart.
Trust In Me, even in generations past, I guided my people with words, fire, clouds and silence.
Trust In Me, I will not hurt you.

Trust Only In Me, for the things of the earth will one day disappear.
Trust Only In Me, for many will deceive you and destroy you.
Trust Only In Me, for I alone created the heavens and the earth.
Trust Only In Me, I am a jealous God.

Taken from the Webster's Dictionary:

Full Definition of TRUST

1

a :  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

b :  one in which confidence is placed

A Story and A Prayer Request

Dear friends,

Some of you know I try to spend one on one time with each of my nephews and nieces.  I have a deep longing in my heart for each of them to have their own personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  

God gives me ideas for each child based on their age, their current spiritual development and any other needs they have to grow in this area - the most important area of all.  One was doing some reading and journaling but decided she'd rather do something during the summer.  Another needed the next Bible for her age and God provided one!  In fact, I gave it to her today.  Another child wants to go to movies and spend time with me.  Another has been doing lunch with me almost every month for three years and we talk about life stuff and God stuff.  It's an honor and a privilege to be chosen by God to have such an amazing influence in these little lives (11-19).  There are two more I'm reaching out to.

Today was Ryan's lunch day.  We had an amazing (I know I just used that word but it's true) time, opening up our Bibles as he used the first of three study guides I'd purchased from our Friends of the Library book sale last October.  He asked if I knew the guy who wrote the study and I said yes.  Ryan looked me right in eye as we sat across from each other at a picnic table and said, "Good because you know everything you tell me I'm going to believe as the truth and I'm trusting you."  My heart stopped, we kept eye contact and my eyes began to moisten.

I tried to put on the "cool" aunt hat but when I said, "Man, I don't know what it is that's making my eyes teary," he responded by saying, "Yeah, my eyes are crying, too."

God was all over our time together.  Every question Ryan had, I had a biblical response, the right response.  He just picked out his new bibles about two months ago and he was doing so well being able to use the table of contents and learn what John chapter 1 meant.  You see, I've had on my heart that a study bible would be great for him.  I brought mine and showed him how it worked when he'd get stuck understanding what the verse(s) meant.  My job was to speak when he asked me a question then show him where to find the answer or give him modern day examples from my life about what that word means.

Here's the prayer request and yes, of course, please pray for Ryan and I.  I asked him if he wanted to meet more often, like every two weeks, and he was excited and said yes.  

I brought my car to his house so his Dad could look at it.  Turns out I need new rotors and pads.  No biggie - I've been able to do that before.  I've been very nervous at the sound so I was glad it wasn't the axle.  However, when I put my car in reverse an awful noise came from the right rear.  Bottom line is Dale told me I can't drive my car because the spring on the right rear broke and the entire strut, mount and spring need to be replaced.  Difficult to do when they don't make your car anymore.

Here's the prayer request - I don't know what to do.  Right now I am without a car and that's not good on so many levels.  I have a couple of people who will help me and for that I am very grateful.  With this news of not being able to drive my car, I called my mom.  I talked and cried and listened and talked and cried and listened until I finally calmed down.  It's not the car that upsets me.  It's what the car represents:  Independence and my ability to take care of myself whenever I need to. It's a mental illness/bipolar depression thing.  I'm still not doing well on the medication so that's adding to my fear and at times like this it's difficult to stay in the moment. I know in my soul God is with me and He'll provide, just like He always has, for all my needs.  

Dale is making a bunch of calls tomorrow to try and find the part.  My mom said to get an estimate for everything that needs to be fixed so that I can make a decision about whether or not to fix the car.  I'll do that tomorrow.  My overall safety is a mixed bag of emotions meaning another strut could break at anytime just like this one did.  Luckily, I was backing out of my sister's driveway and not cruising at 55 mph on the way home.  One of the best things about the car is that the engine is in excellent condition. 

So, there you have it.  Satan is on the war path.  I'm turning it over to "The God of peace (who) will soon crush Satan under (my) feet."  (Romans 16:20).  What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Until that day, thanks for your prayers.

Love,

Amy

A Week Later...Resentment?

I was finally able to get my medication after a complete blunder or should I say multiple blunders at my doctor's office.  Not only did I continue persisting day after day for 12 days but I did so with limited medication.  This is not something I want to repeat or have repeated the next time I need a refill.  I don't want to chase down the office staff and deal with lies three times nor do I want to keep hearing from the Pharmacist, "No, Amy, the doctor hasn't called or responded to our fax," over and over again.  Next time, I have a plan.  I will spend the money for gas and a half hour drive to go to the office and sit there until it's done the FIRST time and if I can't drive I have people who will drive me.  SCORE!

Here's the deal.  I'm a nice person.  I'm sensitive, forgiving, understanding, kindhearted and I think of another person's heart before I do most anything.  So the nice side of me wants to forgive and forget all of the absurdities in their failing to call in a refill for one out of two primary medications that keep me able to function on most days.  Be nice, play nice, everything is good.  But I know better.  I know better because I can feel that little twinge inside starting to grow.  That twinge is a resentment and I have to stomp on it quickly.  Why?  It will eventually cause more psychological damage to me than to anyone else and my self-care says I'm worth living a life that is resentment free.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has a lot to say about resentments as it relates to alcoholics who want to continue a life of sobriety

I, as a sober drunk, can gain wisdom from resentments as long as I move toward forgiveness.
 - Amy Endler

"HARBORING OF RESENTMENTS IS FATAL (Taken from Sober.org)
From page 66 or thereabouts:

• ..a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
• The hours in which we allow futility and unhappiness in our lives are not worthwhile.  Resentments waste our lives.
• Resentments shut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit, thereby preventing the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience.
• When shadowed from the sunlight of the Spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns, we drink again, and we die.
• Harboring of resentments is fatal.

ERADICATING RESENTMENTS (Taken from Sober.org)

Column #1) Who do you hold a grudge against?

Column #2) What did they do that you found offensive?

Column #3) How did you contribute to their action? and

Column #4) Why did you react with a resentment?" 

Resume to Amy's Writing
"Who" is the picture in my head.
"What" is Say? Do? Not do? Things like that.
"How" does not always include "my contribution."  Something can happen "to you."
"Why" is kinda silly.  I can't react "with" a resentment.  I can only act "out" of a resentment.  I mean, I was angry and hurt after 7-8 days of the crap.  Justifiable anger.  I haven't reacted out of a resentment except to say I have the potential because of the twinge inside of me.  This is a warning signal that I better get about the business of praying to God for these people and for them to have all the goodness and blessings I have from Him.

I want those old messages I received from early on then into my teens to not hurt or be triggered so easily anymore.  I want to be fully healed into the image of Christ.  So, What Would Jesus Do?  The Bible says he willingly entered into tough conversations with people and He, my Savior, was not popular with everybody.  I'm ready and able to do the same, where I'm not going to be the popular girl at the table.  I'm growing to understand that bringing out the truth in a way that can be heard (I do fail occassionally) deflates the fear and anger I feel and the twinge begins to go away.

Just like the Bible has the Beatitudes, AA has the 12 promises.
Here they are:

(1)If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

(2) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

(3) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

(4) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

(5) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

(6) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

(7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

(8) Self-seeking will slip away.

(9) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

(10) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

(11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

(12) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

And with God, all things are possible!

(Credit for Sober.org and AA is noted;  All other content is from Amy)