A Week Later...Resentment?

I was finally able to get my medication after a complete blunder or should I say multiple blunders at my doctor's office.  Not only did I continue persisting day after day for 12 days but I did so with limited medication.  This is not something I want to repeat or have repeated the next time I need a refill.  I don't want to chase down the office staff and deal with lies three times nor do I want to keep hearing from the Pharmacist, "No, Amy, the doctor hasn't called or responded to our fax," over and over again.  Next time, I have a plan.  I will spend the money for gas and a half hour drive to go to the office and sit there until it's done the FIRST time and if I can't drive I have people who will drive me.  SCORE!

Here's the deal.  I'm a nice person.  I'm sensitive, forgiving, understanding, kindhearted and I think of another person's heart before I do most anything.  So the nice side of me wants to forgive and forget all of the absurdities in their failing to call in a refill for one out of two primary medications that keep me able to function on most days.  Be nice, play nice, everything is good.  But I know better.  I know better because I can feel that little twinge inside starting to grow.  That twinge is a resentment and I have to stomp on it quickly.  Why?  It will eventually cause more psychological damage to me than to anyone else and my self-care says I'm worth living a life that is resentment free.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has a lot to say about resentments as it relates to alcoholics who want to continue a life of sobriety

I, as a sober drunk, can gain wisdom from resentments as long as I move toward forgiveness.
 - Amy Endler

"HARBORING OF RESENTMENTS IS FATAL (Taken from Sober.org)
From page 66 or thereabouts:

• ..a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
• The hours in which we allow futility and unhappiness in our lives are not worthwhile.  Resentments waste our lives.
• Resentments shut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit, thereby preventing the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience.
• When shadowed from the sunlight of the Spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns, we drink again, and we die.
• Harboring of resentments is fatal.

ERADICATING RESENTMENTS (Taken from Sober.org)

Column #1) Who do you hold a grudge against?

Column #2) What did they do that you found offensive?

Column #3) How did you contribute to their action? and

Column #4) Why did you react with a resentment?" 

Resume to Amy's Writing
"Who" is the picture in my head.
"What" is Say? Do? Not do? Things like that.
"How" does not always include "my contribution."  Something can happen "to you."
"Why" is kinda silly.  I can't react "with" a resentment.  I can only act "out" of a resentment.  I mean, I was angry and hurt after 7-8 days of the crap.  Justifiable anger.  I haven't reacted out of a resentment except to say I have the potential because of the twinge inside of me.  This is a warning signal that I better get about the business of praying to God for these people and for them to have all the goodness and blessings I have from Him.

I want those old messages I received from early on then into my teens to not hurt or be triggered so easily anymore.  I want to be fully healed into the image of Christ.  So, What Would Jesus Do?  The Bible says he willingly entered into tough conversations with people and He, my Savior, was not popular with everybody.  I'm ready and able to do the same, where I'm not going to be the popular girl at the table.  I'm growing to understand that bringing out the truth in a way that can be heard (I do fail occassionally) deflates the fear and anger I feel and the twinge begins to go away.

Just like the Bible has the Beatitudes, AA has the 12 promises.
Here they are:

(1)If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

(2) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

(3) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

(4) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

(5) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

(6) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

(7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

(8) Self-seeking will slip away.

(9) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

(10) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

(11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

(12) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

And with God, all things are possible!

(Credit for Sober.org and AA is noted;  All other content is from Amy)