Oh, New Year's Eve

(Melody of Oh, Holy Night)

Oh, New Year's Eve,
My sin is brightly shining.
It is the night that the year adds plus one.

Long is my list,
Of things I want to break free,
But the fear
Of the change
Is in the way.

Sweet God Devine,
Your patience everlasting.
Your glory reigns,
For now and ever more.

* (Chorus)
Fall on my knees.
Ask...the Lord to help...me.
His love and His light,
Will never leave
Me in the dark
Oh Ask
The Lord
His love for me
Will never leave

Christ is my Lord.
He knows my inner struggles.
Oh how .he longs,
To help me grow
And conform.

The things I clutch so tightly
Are things I have to give up
To the Lord
Let my sin
No longer bound

Oh, day of joy,
I can't await your coming.
To set me free
From sin now never more.

(Chorus)

He longs....
To help....
Me grow...
Forever more

(Well, it might not be perfect but that's my 2016 prayer)

Christmas Moon

Just after midnight, when Christmas officially arrived,
I was driving to my sister's house, listening to Beth Moore's jive.
She's talking about insanity and how it has to go,
For how will we know freedom, if we do not let it go?

I drove along listening, to the words that she said,
"Oh my gosh that's SO true!" I shouted in my head.
But then my attention, was drawn up to the sky,
The brightness was incredible, I just had to know why.

I pulled over safely, to look at this fest.
My eyes looking upward, and then I saw the rest.
I pulled out my camera, not the one on my phone,
For I knew God wanted me to capture it, this amazement being shown.

My pictures had to be perfect, my very very best.
So I began snapping and snapping, until my fingers needed rest.
I couldn't believe it, God was showing off.
Could it be a reminder, of another night aloft?

Luke 2New International Version (NIV)

The Birth of Jesus

2 In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2 (This was the first census that took place while[a] Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3 And everyone went to their own town to register.

4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
    and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told."

The shepherds in the field...me in my car.

An angel appearing to them...the full moon up above.

Heavenly Hosts proclaiming...I'm snapping pictures, carefully aiming.

God loves us more than we'll ever know.  

So when you see something and think it's quite fond, remember this story:  
It could be God!!!

Here are the pictures:  After a little while, a golden ring appeared. (Click on them to make them larger)

Depression and/or Anxiety at Christmas Time

It's not a good feeling when you wake up each day feeling depressed or anxious about this festive celebration of the birth of Christ.  I often feel guilt or shame when I wake up depressed knowing full well this is my favorite time of year.  Then the anxiety sets in about being with crowds of people or any people for that matter, including my family.

Don't get me wrong - I love my family.  They are the greatest source of joy in my life next to my relationship with God.  But depression is a battle in my mind that is a challenge to overcome any time of the year.

Today, as many of you, I have a lot to do.  But my spirit is downcast.  I want to curl up on my couch under a blanket.  I want to mindlessly watch television.  I want to close my front door and lock it so that no one will enter.

I feel sad, too.  I have four dear friends who suffered the death of someone close and precious to them this year.  There's nothing I can do except pray for them which feels helpless.  I love them all very much.  The only thing I can do is what the Holy Spirit leads me to do.

I've been very distracted.  I couldn't focus at our Christmas service.  It was the first one in my new church.  I kept thinking about Willow Creek, Bill's teaching, singing Silent Night at the end and hugging my family.  Not all years but some.  Last night I wasn't with any family.  My mom canceled and I was really looking forward to her going.

Anxious thoughts are rushing through my head.  I want to quiet them down but the only way I know how to do that is to write, distract myself and take a medication.  I'm doing all of those so I should be feeling less anxiety soon.

The depression?  I don't know if it will lift and I certainly don't know when.  I miss Aaron so much.  I wish he were here and I could hear, "Aunt Amy!!!!!" and then be bulldozed by his running up to me and grabbing onto me for a big hug.  But all I have left of him are memories in my mind and photographs that will never be added to.  His age of 18 is frozen in time.

Christmas is a celebration of Jesus' birth.

This year feels like the death of loved ones passed.  But life goes on, even in difficult grief.  And this song is why it's possible to get through these emotional and trying times:

God's Provision Surprises Me, Again

Have you ever had one of those days when God is constantly reminding you about his care and his love for you? Today is one of those days. Let me begin.

A week ago tomorrow I started my car and immediately noticed it was not running right. I called my mechanic, explained what was going on and we agreed I should bring my car in this past Monday.  As many of you know bringing your car into a mechanic can be scary. Not knowing what was wrong or how much it was gonna cost to fix I obediently dropped off my car and slid my keys into the slot.

I was told that the repair was going to cost $720. Added to what already need to be repaired was around another $2000 which I did not have. You see I'd already gotten those other repairs fixed and put away $500 for future repairs. I was beginning to panic. I lost sight of what God could do and yet I knew that he would take care of me no matter what that looked like.  I picked up my car and I brought it home. 

I began to explore my options. The main one being taking $200 out of my disability check for January and getting the car fixed that way. The second one was having one of my sisters get her extra car that she had repaired however that car leaked oil and mine does not. There was also discussion about whether or not I should look into getting another used car but when I thought about it the repairs that are being made to my car are ones that will not have to be fixed probably again for the life of the car.  I was back to January trying to figure out how to shave $200 out of my income. But then something happened. I had a conversation with my brother-in-law who has done much work on my car.  He asked specific questions then told me he would get information and see if he could do it himself.

He called me later to say that yes he could fix it. I went over there today.  He fixed it starting with the basics up to the major part. What would've cost $720 only cost $150.  My car now runs like it's brand-new and if I'm not careful I'm going to start racing people at stoplights. But the story doesn't end there.

I've been struggling to make good decisions about Christmas gifts and I've done a very good job. It was already in my budget before any car repairs were needed so I knew I could count on that money to bring joy to my family. I know that joy does not come from a gift but rather from the giver. In any case giving to my family is the one thing that I enjoy  doing the most.

On the way through town in my new race car, I stopped at a local grocery store just to pick up a few things to eat until I get paid. The food itself does not necessarily promote health but it does promote fullness and that's what's important right now. I think I had the squeakiest cart in the store. People knew where I was and I wanted to be somewhere else. The carpal tunnel surgery on my right hand is still repairing itself so that area is very tender. That's the area you use to push a cart. I found this out the hard way. I had to push my cart with my left hand and then lift my right elbow onto the right side of the cart and push it and squeak. Nobody probably noticed but I felt like I was on some sort of video monitor where everybody could see and hear me.

I'm cognizant of how much money I spend so I'm choosing very carefully. I try very hard to stay within my budget no matter what I need to sacrifice. No sweet treats today, no ice cream and nothing bakery related. I walk up to the belt where you take out your own groceries. I laid everything out and put down a divider between myself and the lady behind me. She said thank you and I smiled and said no problem. The cashier rang up my items told me the total and then that same lady said to the cashier, "Here, I've got it."  I looked at her a little stunned and I said, "You don't have to do that!" And she said, "Yes, I do.  

After she paid for it I turn back to her and asked, "Do you know the same guy I do?" She said, "Yes, I do. "  As I walked away I heard the cashier ask her if he missed something in that conversation. I prayed for her and how to answer that question and maybe one more skeptic will be in a relationship with Jesus and in heaven one day.  I thanked her again and I said something about how you have no idea how much you have blessed me. She simply said that she was being obedient to what she was asked to do. I smiled, nodded and walked away.

Sometimes I feel guilty because of all the help that I received from other Christians. I think about the poor and those who are in more dire need than I am, people and children who don't have a place to call home. Then there are times when I feel judged by Christians who have absolutely no clue what it's like to be in my shoes. Those are the people that I feel sickest toward for they have no compassion even on their sister in Christ. But none of that really matters because all of us on this planet have access to the Creator – the one and only creator of the entire universe. And how wonderful it is that he wants to be in a relationship with us? Personal and being forgiving and just all of that is wrapped up into One.  I find that utterly amazing.

So who are you helping this Christmas? Have you already done something meaningful? Something that will impact somebody else's life for the good? I'm not talking about games or stuff or things that will one day be thrown in the garbage. I'm talking about enriching somebody's life who is lonely or in despair or bound to their house or is losing their memory and has no recollection of family or friends or someone who's in the hospital bed laying there feeling so alone or someone grieving the death of a loved one?  

You matter to God. People that you don't like or care for they matter to God. People you've never met who are strangers to you matter to God. Even the person who took your parking space or was driving too slow or almost by God's grace did not kill anyone when they were drunk. They matter to God.

My prayer for you is really simple because it applies to me as well. My prayer is that you will touch one persons life who is not related to you in the next couple of days. Because sometimes all we need is for someone to show they care and you can't put a price tag on that !

My family and I making/decorating Christmas goodies.

Learning How To Live

Since my surgery I've had a lot of opportunities to learn how to accomplish tasks with only my left hand. It's not something I enjoy doing and it's certainly not something I would recommend.  It's something that you learn to adjust to so that you're quality of life does not suffer. 

Sometimes funny things will happen like trying to get yourself dressed with one hand.  It is possible but you have to give yourself enough time so that you're not putting yourself into a frantic state. Just the other day I made baked potatoes. Being single adds yet another challenge because I could put the potatoes into the oven, take them out of the oven, put them into a bowl but then who was going to cut it so I could eat it? That someone is me. I got through it and I did not cut myself but instead I learned how to hold a sharp knife a different way and I learned that there is more than one way to do things.

Feeding the cats has not been a challenge since I use a scooper. But cleaning out their boxes, well, that's a whole other story. It is actually painful because I do need to use my right hand to steady the box for scooping. I've learned to use a broom a different way. I actually tuck it under my right armpit and guide it with my surgical hand while my left hand does a majority of the work.

I imagine this writing is pretty boring for those of you who have never had any type of surgery. I commented to my brother-in-law today (who is recovering from his second shoulder surgery) that all surgeries, no matter where they are, have one thing in common afterwards:  they hurt.

To top off the evening I wet the bed again. I actually had a very soothing and nurturing dream where I spent time with a Bible teacher I respect.  She spent time with me, listened and talked to me about what's going on in my life which I have not revealed on the blog.  She hugged me nice and tight and then she gave me a free pass to go to one of her large teaching events.  All I had to do was get myself there.  I had a car that worked, I'd been given a newer bigger mobile home, I was being blessed so much that maybe all I did is relax.  Dreams can do that.

So this writing is going to end this way: I'm in a lot of pain and I don't like it. It's not like I haven't had surgical pain before, it's not like I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself, it's not like I don't believe that God is providing for me, it's none of that. Or maybe it's some of that. Or maybe it's all of that. 

I went to my nieces choral concert tonight. It's called Yuletide on the north side. Sixth graders thru seniors in high school stand for an hour and sing some of the most beautiful songs of Christmas that really speak to the meaning of Christmas. They are saying the name of Christ. They sing about peace. They sing about our creator. In a public school.  I was in tears a lot. Some for laughter. And some because my heart was so moved by these children whose choral directors believe in the integrity of this holiday.  Jesus is alive! He has always been alive! He will always be alive.

And frankly, the pain that I feel in my hand is nothing compared to the pain that Jesus felt hanging on the cross. But that's not the message right now. The message is that God wanted Jesus to come and Jesus said OK. OK Father, I will go. The Christmas story is not a story. It's an account of history.  And I think that message is what gets lost. And that's the message that we all need to carry and remember and tell our friends about. Jesus said YES to birth and the pain of death because our salvation hung in the balance.  And our not being with God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit in heaven was NOT ok with God and it was NOT ok with Jesus. There is a purpose and a Presence that we have access to.

That's what spreading the good news is all about. 

Thanks for listening.