The devastation of past abuse, no matter how severe, ever leaves my mind or my memories. The emotions that surface over and over again are all too familiar. Sometimes, however, one slips in unnoticed. A new one with quite a punch.
This year that one is rage. I've felt hurt, I've felt angry, I've felt sad, I've felt justified and I've felt revenge. This is the first year I've felt a depth of anger that can only be defined as rage.
Rage is beyond anger. It's beyond grief. It's in a category unto itself. It does not mix with minor emotions. It's an emotion fueled by several others.
It elicits action that is not positive. For me, it elicits violence. Physical violence. Such as: punching someone across the mouth over and over again until they are knocked unconscious. Beefing myself up so I can physically take them on and whip their butt to the point of blood and bruises. Temporarily immobilizing them so they can't move. In other words, taking my rage out on them.
But then God sends this: Nurturing.
In my encounters with others, in my dreams with others and in my imagination with others.
I feel safe with my therapist and she uses a nurturing voice. It reminds me that I can talk about whatever I need to and if something isn't going right in the session, I can speak up. It also reminds me of another therapist who did this.
I feel safe with a Bible teacher I've never met. God sent a dream where I was running for safety and I ran into her yard. I was afraid to see her and yet I ran into her house, found what I think was her bedroom and hid against the bed. I was groggy from sleep when I heard her walk in. She didn't say anything. Instead I felt her put a blanket over me and say, "Oh, Darlin." I felt loved and the fear I was running from disappeared.
Right now I'm going to lay down under the covers and watch, "It's A Wonderful Life." It's a movie that makes me feel warm inside. I'm alone so I feel safe. My kitties are sleeping so I know they are safe, too.
Anger - Rage - Nurturing
I don't remember ever being nurtured after the anger, rage or abuse.
I would have liked it.
