I've been having a lot of anxiety since Sunday/Monday. I can tell because my body does this shaking thing and my head contorts from side to side. I've gotten use to it. The problem is that I don't like it when it happens in public.
I saw my therapist today. My head was doing it's thing and my body was shaking. I don't think I was having anxiety about the session. I think it was leftovers from a few days ago. Anyway, we talked about the blog writings and the little book, "The Rules for 'Normal' Eating." Faith had me read some of the irrational and rational thoughts.
Then she turned the dial and asked if I'd be willing to do an exercise. I always get nervous when she wants to do one of those. It had something to do with sonar, submarines, bats and a submarine Captain who was a little anxious and trigger happy. Sure, why not.
I'm not sure what the goal was so I don't know if I succeeded. All I know is it was very uncomfortable and totally against my grain. I had to repeat a sentence multiple times emphasizing two words with some drama added. Definitely not me.
The second exercise was to say, "So what?" after everything she said. I couldn't do it. I care too much about people to ever say those two words. In fact, I was upset enough that I had to hide my face and distract her from me for a few minutes while I regained my composure. I was on the verge of tears.
Like I said, this was some sort of exercise in anxiety. I don't know if I learned anything. After a little while of participating I did say I was going to stop. I guess I learned I'm not comfortable trying to be someone I'm not.
Oh, at one point she zoomed toward me about six inches. I jumped and said, "Whoa!" She told me she wasn't going to hurt me or anything. I should have asked her to back up but I decided to try trusting what she said because she's never lied to me nor has she ever hurt me. She was true to her word. Cool.
Maybe trying this little exercise is the source of my success.
Maybe it's not so complicated or deep.
Maybe it's as simple as showing up and doing the work I'm asked to do.
I can take a deep breathe and say to myself, "Well done, Amy."
