Have you ever had a string of good days and even though your body feels like crap, God gives your spirit a boost? I've been having those experiences for about 10 days. It's like riding a freight train with no headlight in the tunnel. All you hear is the roaring of the engines, the metal on the tracks and you cannot see your hand in front of your face because it's so dark. It's when you trust God the most.
And then, when you see a light approaching from the other direction, you wonder one of two things: Either that light is here to help or you're about to have a fatal collision. I had that collision last night and I knew it was coming.
On my voice mail was one of those messages where she said who's calling and to call back. It was the tone in the voice, the choice of words and the timing of the call. I already knew what was going to happen - just by the tone of her voice.
And I was right. Have you ever been part of a group and have the leader accuse you of something, never ask you about it and then remove you from that group? Let me tell you something, I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. But I always try to make sure I ask questions before I judge someone's behavior. Had this person chosen to meet and talk, tell me what I did and give me a chance to apologize and try to make things right, the outcome would have been the same but relationships could have been saved.
I made a mistake. An unforgivable one that caused the entire group (secret attenders known only to themselves) to meet behind closed doors and call into question my loyalty, my integrity and my character. I suddenly, after almost two years of serving together, became untrustworthy and they would feel uneasy and uncomfortable with me still there.
Really? I feel that way every time we have a meeting!! I made a mistake. I apologized for the mistake. They made it sound as if I did this on purpose and therefore had to be removed from my position. Are you kidding me? Nope - I was forced to resign.
I did not allow what was being told to me to stick to me or stay hanging in the balance without my side of the story being said. I did not ask nor did I want to be reinstated. I wanted to use my God given voice to admit my wrong, take responsibility for it, research how it happened and give that information to them. I was now done.
Until I received a response email which I briefly scanned. Then I wrote a crystal clear email that defined my boundries and solidified my integrity. I was not going to let a group of people who I thought (and was told) were my friends ruin the rest of my day. I was done, again.
You see, when you serve in a group of volunteers and if you have the gift of discernment or wisdom, you can pick out the ones to stay away from and move toward the ones that appear to be safe. There are those who absolutely despise you but put on a pretty face and deny it. Then there are those who sit quietly watching the show in front of them. Me? I'm assertive and I don't put up with crap. I don't allow others to say things about me that aren't true and I know when to call it quits.
God has a unique and exciting plan for our lives when we are submitted to Him. Even though I wish I could do Matthew 18 (reconciliation) with whomever I offended, that was not an avenue offered to me. In fact, it was strongly discouraged. So I pray that those who felt so strongly wronged by me are able to accept my apology and forgive me. But that's up to them.
I talked to my therapist in depth about it. She's fully behind me. I've reached out to other friends for support. One friend is so shocked they forced me to resign that even she was at a loss for words.
They treated me just like my Dad did so unfortunately, I've been self-injuring in my mouth quite a bit. My Dad would find one mistake and blow up all over me for it. And that's exactly what happened but this time - I blew back in an assertive, not aggressive, manner.
The train has parked for the night.
Good night.
