Urges To Self-Injure

I'm tired after a long day filled with activity.  One of the reasons I'm on disability is because my body doesn't feel well and my mind doesn't work well.  It's not an excuse to self-injure - just reality.

Thanks be to God I am still injury free.  I'm feeling a lot of stress and my thoughts are a little scary.  I'm reading a book by Donald Miller.  He speaks about never knowing his dad and presently not wanting to know him.  It stirred up some uncomfortable feelings, memories of abuse and how grateful I am that my dad has passed away.

He also talks about story and has a very easygoing way of telling his process of learning what story is all about.  I'm intrigued.  I'm hooked.  I'm reading the book slowly and might read it a second time.

I see Faith tomorrow.  I'm very glad.

Self-Injury 12 Steps

Indeed, this day was not as hard.  I have been focusing on other things and not getting fully absorbed in the urge to self-injure.  The urges aren't gone.  I'm keeping myself alert so I can redirect my thoughts.  I'm trying to identify feelings when those urges are stirred up.  I haven't been able to identify every one yet I am still capable of keeping myself safe.  Who'd a thought?

Here are the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with gentle changes for self-injury.  Having been in 12 step groups for 32 years I felt this was the best tool for recovery.  They are helping and so are the slogans of 12 step groups.

The Twelve Steps for Self-Injury

 (adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous)

     1.     We admitted we were powerless over our urges to self-injure and that self-injuring caused our lives to become unmanageable.

2.     Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3.     Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4.     Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5.     Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of why we self-injure and how it has damaged our lives.

6.     Were entirely ready to have God remove all these reasons and replace them with positive thoughts, feelings behaviors and self love.

7.     Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings so we can enjoy a recovered life.

8.     Made a list of all persons we had harmed, including ourselves and became willing to make amends to them all.

9.     Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10.  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong or returned to self-injury, promptly admitted it to God, ourselves and another human being.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message to other self injurers and practice these principles in all our affairs.

Slogans:  Let Go and Let God.....This Too Shall Pass.....Easy Does It.....How Important Is It.....First Things First.....One Day At A Time.....Keep It Simple.....We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets.

Abstaining From Self-Injury

It's working!  I declared Friday my first day of abstinence from self-injury.  I'm living with no cutting or biting or pulling out my hair just like I live without alcohol.

Eventually, the challenges from stopping will surface.  When they do I plan to apply the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I'm not trying to over simplify.  I want to have a plan in place.

My mouth is still active but I'm not biting down.  I catch myself starting to do it then I quickly stop.  I'm noticing it when I'm a little stressed or my thoughts are taking over.

Just wanted to say it's day 3 and I'm doing okay.  Thanks to my therapist who got into my face a few times at my last session.  I heard you and now I'm doing something about it!

Progress, Not Perfection

I'm putting into practice some of the challenges I've been given to overcome the self-injury in my mouth.  Today I focused on the solution instead of the problem.  For example:

• When I started to feel my body tensing up, I relaxed by doing deep breathing exercises.
• When I started to put my tongue in between my teeth, I pushed the self-injury thought out of my head.
• When I started thinking about cutting, I forced myself to think about something else.
• When I felt my cheeks starting to get drawn into my teeth, I pushed them away.

Then I started identifying some feelings:

1. Anxiety over failing to keep myself safe.
1. Making new scars
2. Feeling guilty about failing
3. If I can't keep myself safe, how do I know I'll still live?
2. Scared about not being able to handle stressful thoughts or events.
1. I'll end up back in the hospital
2. I'll disappoint someone
3. I'll be seen as incapable
3. Scared about reaching deeper into friendships.
1. Fear (If they really knew me...)
2. Loving people is as risky as being loved by people
3. Not meeting their expectations
4. Angry I'll choose to stay fat
1. This battle is unfair because it's so hard
2. I'm afraid to start running even though I've been told it's okay
3. I have to overcome this crap so I can truly live

The bottom line is this:  Overcoming these obstacles is possible.  With God's help, prayers and encouragement from ME and others, I can do this.  It doesn't have to be my albatross.  

Being realistic is important, too.  I can claim progress instead of perfection.  Perfection is when I'm in heaven.  

I'm not there....yet.

Identity Crisis?

Good session today with Faith.  Filled out the self injury sheet.  Talked about it.  Took notes.

For some reason, what used to be okay to accept as truth has now become detrimental and is a lie.  I don't know how that happened but it seems to have happened.  This is when recovery becomes a little confusing and you have to really trust the ones God has put in your life to help you get better.

What is truth?  "Taking Radical Understanding To Heart."
What is taking?  Grabbing hold of a new way to think, behave and feel.
What is radical?  Mind blowing teachings of God as Father and Jesus Christ that wreck my distorted core beliefs.
What is understanding?  Having head knowledge of the lies I am believing.
What is to heart?  Applying the true beliefs, while connected to my emotions, as the distorted beliefs fade away.
Why do I do this?  To live a recovered life, to feel recovered emotions, to think recovered thoughts and to behave consistently in all relationships.
Benefits:  Peace in my soul, more genuine happy, less sad, more risk taking, less scared, owning my purpose according to God's plan for my life and running toward the goal as I grab the prize.

Went to the library.  Picked up Donald Miller's book.  Reading it and Ephesians.  Going to go meet a friend's new puppy.  That's a stretch since I only know her as Mrs. Claus!  Want to take a nap but know the value of getting outside myself.

Happy Thursday!