About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Friday, August 02, 2013

Progress, Not Perfection

I'm putting into practice some of the challenges I've been given to overcome the self-injury in my mouth.  Today I focused on the solution instead of the problem.  For example:

  • When I started to feel my body tensing up, I relaxed by doing deep breathing exercises.
  • When I started to put my tongue in between my teeth, I pushed the self-injury thought out of my head.
  • When I started thinking about cutting, I forced myself to think about something else.
  • When I felt my cheeks starting to get drawn into my teeth, I pushed them away.
Then I started identifying some feelings:
  1. Anxiety over failing to keep myself safe.
    1. Making new scars
    2. Feeling guilty about failing
    3. If I can't keep myself safe, how do I know I'll still live?
  2. Scared about not being able to handle stressful thoughts or events.
    1. I'll end up back in the hospital
    2. I'll disappoint someone
    3. I'll be seen as incapable
  3. Scared about reaching deeper into friendships.
    1. Fear (If they really knew me...)
    2. Loving people is as risky as being loved by people
    3. Not meeting their expectations
  4. Angry I'll choose to stay fat
    1. This battle is unfair because it's so hard
    2. I'm afraid to start running even though I've been told it's okay
    3. I have to overcome this crap so I can truly live

The bottom line is this:  Overcoming these obstacles is possible.  With God's help, prayers and encouragement from ME and others, I can do this.  It doesn't have to be my albatross.  

Being realistic is important, too.  I can claim progress instead of perfection.  Perfection is when I'm in heaven.  

I'm not there....yet.