As you know my mental illness, physical challenges and emotional stumblings are being treated by a very competent team for the last almost three years. My psychiatrist, my therapist and my internist. Receiving regular help has not erased any of the daily challenges I face. In fact, there are times the challenges are compounded in the name of "healing."
Why do I elect to have those challenges aggravated or poked?
I've been learning there are times when the pain I feel, feels like I won't survive. Like the time I had to have stitches in my foot in third grade. Six needles, six very loud screams, six times I begged my Dad to make them stop. I didn't think I'd survive the pain.
Then it stopped. I survived. The physical pain stopped. My crying stopped. My begging stopped. I was reassured there would be no more pain and it was true. I was bandaged up. I was given a sticker which I have in my Baby Book and a set of crutches to help me get around. The pain stopped.
But that moment, from the time I felt the piece of glass in the river where we were swimming cut my foot, to the time the Fire Squad cleared off a picnic table and moved quickly to get me on top of it to the time my Dad put me in the car and drove 65 mph to McHenry Hospital to the time I was wheeled out and saw my Mom and sisters waiting for me in the Emergency Room waiting room....all of that is seared in my memory as a painful moment. It was part of the whole experience.
Today I'm responsible for taking care of myself. I'm contacting my internist to ask if I can have my sleep apnea retested. All of my blood work is in line and other than my obesity and some high cholesterol, I'm on the right track.
Just yesterday I met with my psychiatrist. We meet once a month. He was surprised and happy to see the weight loss I've had since I last saw him. He asked how much I'd lost and I said seven pounds. I think that's correct but weigh-in for me is next Tuesday.
He laughed and said, "Amy, you need to be in the sunshine and 75 degrees!" I laughed and agreed with him. But I'd never leave my family. We discussed cutting out some of the mood stabilizers that induce weight gain to help me loose weight better. They were meant to be temporary to get me through the winter anyway so changes have been made.
Those changes have given me confidence that I can lose this weight. If it's tied to something emotional, I have my keen drill sergeant therapist ready to hammer at me to help me get to the core of what's going on.
Do you have a therapist like that? I swear, she can change from kind and encouraging into drill sergeant on a dime. Her nineteen years of experience and the permission I've given her to drill me make a tight and winning combo when it comes to receiving the same encouragement and kindness in the form of pushing me harder to get my therapy journey moving quicker. As much as I count on my therapy sessions each week, I would like to graduate in the next two years.
Why?
Because God has a book He wants me to write and I'm feeling better able to write it.
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." (1 Pet 1:6-7 NIV)
About This Blog
My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!
Friday, May 29, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
The Meaning of Memorial Day
On this holy day, the day we draw nearer to our God and our Jesus, I find myself deeply moved this Memorial Day weekend. I hold a high regard and respect for men and women in uniform. I wanted to enlist in the Air Force after high school but my Dad asked my uncle to drive out and talk me out of it. I regret listening to him but because he was a Vietnam survivor, his word carried a lot more weight than my own ambition. Still...I wonder what trajectory my life would have taken?
In searching for meaning of this day, not just meaning of a soldier's death, I found this video. It's educational in nature but does not diminish the sacrifice of each life throughout history that made my freedom possible. I hope you take the time to watch this and include your children as well.
In searching for meaning of this day, not just meaning of a soldier's death, I found this video. It's educational in nature but does not diminish the sacrifice of each life throughout history that made my freedom possible. I hope you take the time to watch this and include your children as well.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
A Beautiful Obituary for John Moore
Houston Chronicle Obituary for John Moore…And a Few Family Pics
On Monday night, May 18, 2015, the Lord swept Marcell “John” Moore, the dearly loved patriarch of our family, to Heaven, after he’d overcome enormous health challenges for years, valiantly cheating death again and again. We are blessed beyond words that he fought courageously to live against all odds and we count dear every moment we had with him. After a number of hospitalizations over the previous year, we are deeply grateful to God that John was home, surrounded by family in the days and hours leading to his passing and at the time he took his last breath. A man has never been more loved by his family than John Moore and due, in such large part, because he taught us well and loved us well. The great affection he fostered among us kept us all close, living life together and laughing, particularly at him. He was the star of the family and could hold the floor like no one else. We were audience to continual stories and anecdotes retold with tremendous color, flair, and no little exaggeration. None of us has to wonder how he felt about us. We were told often how much he loved us.
His is a household name in Houston, Texas. Down any freeway in this city, you can still see the words “Call John and Get Moore” on plumbing trucks and most Houston residents could sing the jingle from the commercial in a heartbeat. He started John Moore Plumbing Company in 1965 with one set of tools in the back of a black van on Vogue Lane and, in his tenure, the company serviced 750,000 homes. The company was sold in 2004 but not until he’d managed to mark the plumbing industry in Houston with a gentleman’s handsome face and winsome way. His hospital room and home were graced continually by countless friends and business associates.
Born in Houston on January 8, 1934 to Marcell John Moore “Red” and Mary Moore, John loved this city and never lived a moment of his life outside the area. He leaves behind his wife of 62 years, Mary “Sue” Pereira Moore, whom he adored and constantly called “my bride.” Perhaps nothing conveys how lovely she was to him like the fact that he did not feel nearly so called to become a Catholic priest once he set his sights on her. Needless to say, his change in vocation from future priest to future king of plumbing is one to which we – his children – owe considerable thanks.
Alongside his wife, John was a devoted Catholic and his faith in Jesus Christ grew dearer and dearer to him. They were members of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton Catholic Church in Houston for many years then, after moving to the country beside their son and daughter-in-law, they became members of Saint Anne Catholic Church in Tomball, Texas. He was preceded in death by his brothers Ronnie Moore and Pat Moore and leaves behind one sister, Etta Heemer. John and Mary’s two beloved children, Marcell John Moore III (“Duke”) and Nalda Jean Moore Presnell each preceded him in death. Our consolation in the loss of a family man we can never replace is that he holds the two of them in his arms this very moment.
Left to recount endless stories about him are his son, Keith Moore and his daughter-in-law Beth Moore of Tomball, Texas, his daughter Tina Moore Carroll and his son-in-law John Carroll of the Woodlands, Texas, and his daughter Mary Moore Meadows and his son-in-law Mike Meadows of Waco, Texas. If it sounds like from our locations that leaving Texas would have been an almost unpardonable sin, we say with a grin that perhaps, then, you understand our family. We stick close. And we are so glad he insisted on it. John had no greater joy in his life than his six grandchildren, all of whom adored him. Tearful farewells were said to him by Amanda Moore Jones and her husband, Rev. Curtis Jones, Melissa Moore, Ben Meadows, Joe Meadows and his wife, Chauntell, John Taylor Carroll, and Hannah Carroll. Their tremendous attentiveness and help to their grandfather and grandmother enabled Hospice to oversee his care but primarily and confidently leave John in the hands of his family until the Lord took him home. John also had the privilege to love and be active in the lives of his two great-grandchildren, Jackson (9) and Annabeth Jones (6). He ended his life here having the joy and satisfaction of knowing that two more great grandchildren would be born into our family this year. We have smiled saying that God knew it would take the addition of two people to comfort us in the loss of the one big personality we will miss deeply.
We are grateful for the doctors and the nurses at Tomball Regional Hospital who knew him well from his many visits and loved him. We are also inexpressibly grateful for the last four years of his life spent in the fresh air of the country where he sat atop every conceivable John Deere on wheels and ruled the roost. These woods and neighbors will never forget him. We don’t plan to let them.
Here are a few random pictures of our branch of the Moore family with our beloved Big Pops:
This is one of my favorites because it captures both Keith and his dad’s expressions when Keith shows him a document that proves their ancestors were in Texas while it was still a Republic.
This one doesn’t show what a lovely woman Keith’s mother is but I had to include it because this is Big Pops taking completely over when we built our two houses out in woods so thick with vines and brush that we had to hack our way into it. He was in his absolute element overseeing the development of the houses and yards and water wells. Here with his blueprints.
Here he is with our Jackson not long after we moved in. We four generations were so blessed to do a tremendous amount of life together. Not many kids get to know their great grandparents as well as Jackson and Annabeth did. We consider it a gift beyond price.
Here with Annabeth the first year we lived in the woods:
With me on the gator. He took a gator ride seriously. The first two years we lived in the woods were dream years for us with him. His health stayed pretty stable and, as he had a natural God-given inclination to do, he ran the place. And we let him. He never got off the saddle of some kind of John Deere.
I love this one so much because it shows him a bit younger. This is Amanda with both her grandparents at her wedding. You can see what a beautiful woman Keith’s mom is in this picture. Not to mention that first grandchild in that wedding dress.
These next two are very recent. Big Pops with Melissa. Good grief, he was crazy about her. He loved his six grandkids to no end. Amanda and Melissa were his first two.
This last one is not the greatest picture but it is a classic. Amanda, the eldest grandchild, had the foresight to plan an evening for the grandkids to come over to his house and celebrate him. Lover of Ireland that he was, she chose St. Patrick’s Day, his all-time favorite. We knew he wouldn’t be with us for long. He was nearly on his deathbed even then. The grandkids told him their favorite memories with him and he reciprocated with stories of his own. It was the greatest night. We laughed our heads off and partied to high heaven. The only sad part is that two of the grandkids were missing with the flu. I hate that they weren’t part of this night. We will remember it forever. Ben (top) and Joe (left) Meadows, the young guys in this picture, are two of the finest young men I have ever known. The tender care these two gave their grandfather in his last days and hours and countless previous times was just astounding. They spent night after night in the hospital and at his home, holding his hand and tending to every conceivable need. Joe is a paramedic and he single-handedly enabled us to take care of our loved one with a minimum amount of oversight from Hospice over the last forty-eight hours. It was just family. A tremendously sacred time.
Thank you so much for indulging us. People process grief different ways. I mostly write. Well, and of late, play hymns on my new antique piano. I’ve never been more grief stricken over losing someone of such advanced years, even knowing it was coming. He was just such a force in our family. Such a wonderful handful of a man. He could be the biggest mess. So much fun. And he was good and ornery. Just one of those kinds of people who can never be replaced. I feel like a gigantic meteor hurled straight through these woods and left a huge, gaping hole. I had the privilege to be loved like a blood daughter to my father-in-law. Thirty-six years is some substantial bonding and, what it doesn’t provide, living right next door does. He told me continually how much he loved me. I would not have traded this exact father-in-law for all the stellar dads in the world. I will miss him every single day.
To leave Beth and her family a personal message, please click on the following link then go down to the bottom of her page on her blog: Click here to be sent to the Living Proof Blog
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Keep on Writing
My mind is swimming with topics for my book. Pieces of my life that haven't yet been recorded that are fresh in my mind. How will I ever get this finished?
Lord, give me clear recollection and steady typing hands so that I can purge the past out of my mind and onto your potter's wheel where you can remove the mire and shape the whole of this creation into the perfect and complete form you have purposed it to be.
Oh, God my Father, gaze upon my little girl's shattered spirit, with your eyes so tender, filled with tears, and cheeks stained with sorrow, for the many hurts her small mind did not understand, for the many hurts her small body could not stop, for the grief and sorrow You felt, not being able to stop it.
Having that picture in my mind of where I was, who entered the room, the time of day, dissociating so I see myself hovering over the bed. Very clear.
Others just as clear but different.
Different people.
Different locations.
Same - being told what to do.
Same - being asked questions.
Different - reason for bleeding
Not sure what else to write.
In fourth grade I had two friends and we were at the same grade school. One day during fourth grade, a big scale was rolled in and everyone had to be weighed. One of my friends was in front of me so I heard her weight then it was my turn. I really didn't think anything of this until after school.
I'm in line for the bus when my other friend (and hers) comes up to me and accuses me of telling everyone our friend's weight. I deny this but it doesn't matter. My friend threatens to beat me up if whatever happens. I didn't argue, I didn't keep eye contact with her - I thought to myself, "You have no idea what I'm dealing with at home. I can beat the living crap out of you."
Here's the thing: By 4th grade, I already have a split personality, I'm pulling my hair out of my head. I'm numb to any feelings, I'll defend myself and my family against whoever is a threat, I can stare you down like you won't believe, don't make a threat unless you're ready to pay the price.
Here's the feeling: Rage
Hindsight: Keeping silent was the best decision I made. I might have looked cowardice but behind that kitten was a lion.
Lord, give me clear recollection and steady typing hands so that I can purge the past out of my mind and onto your potter's wheel where you can remove the mire and shape the whole of this creation into the perfect and complete form you have purposed it to be.
Oh, God my Father, gaze upon my little girl's shattered spirit, with your eyes so tender, filled with tears, and cheeks stained with sorrow, for the many hurts her small mind did not understand, for the many hurts her small body could not stop, for the grief and sorrow You felt, not being able to stop it.
Having that picture in my mind of where I was, who entered the room, the time of day, dissociating so I see myself hovering over the bed. Very clear.
Others just as clear but different.
Different people.
Different locations.
Same - being told what to do.
Same - being asked questions.
Different - reason for bleeding
Not sure what else to write.
In fourth grade I had two friends and we were at the same grade school. One day during fourth grade, a big scale was rolled in and everyone had to be weighed. One of my friends was in front of me so I heard her weight then it was my turn. I really didn't think anything of this until after school.
I'm in line for the bus when my other friend (and hers) comes up to me and accuses me of telling everyone our friend's weight. I deny this but it doesn't matter. My friend threatens to beat me up if whatever happens. I didn't argue, I didn't keep eye contact with her - I thought to myself, "You have no idea what I'm dealing with at home. I can beat the living crap out of you."
Here's the thing: By 4th grade, I already have a split personality, I'm pulling my hair out of my head. I'm numb to any feelings, I'll defend myself and my family against whoever is a threat, I can stare you down like you won't believe, don't make a threat unless you're ready to pay the price.
Here's the feeling: Rage
Hindsight: Keeping silent was the best decision I made. I might have looked cowardice but behind that kitten was a lion.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Failure and the Mountain
Ever feel like a failure?
Ever feel like most of the rest of you has experienced great accomplishments but this one part of you can't seem to make it over the mountain?
No matter what gear you use or how well you think you've prepared, that mountain remains the one obstacle you cannot get over. No matter what you do.
It's disheartening, really.
To have such an obstacle in front of you, knowing in every other area of your life you have overcome. You have overcome some ugly sins against you. Sins that should have taken your life had it not been for an all loving God. By His grace I was saved from unsuccessful suicide attempts, advancing self-injurious behavior, drinking escalating no matter where I was and mental illness.
I held down jobs because I am smart. Very smart. Low genius smart but nevertheless genius. No college education. Technology came easy to me. Still does.
Disabled because of my diagnosis. Can't think straight most of the time. Genius reduced to greatest secret ever hidden. Don't like being smart. Very smart.
Especially when facing failure and the mountain.
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