When God Says, "Trust Me."

Trust, take a risk and put your faith in Me.
Trust, take a risk and ask Me for help.
Trust, take a risk and bring to My throne all your doubts and fears.
Trust, you will see that I AM who I say I AM.

Trust Me, for I will provide you all your needs.
Trust Me, for I can see into the future what you cannot see.
Trust Me, for I am a faithful God to those who know Me.
Trust Me, for you are My precious child.

Trust In Me, wisdom about your situation exceeds your understanding.
Trust In Me, My plans for you are filled with all the desires of your heart.
Trust In Me, even in generations past, I guided my people with words, fire, clouds and silence.
Trust In Me, I will not hurt you.

Trust Only In Me, for the things of the earth will one day disappear.
Trust Only In Me, for many will deceive you and destroy you.
Trust Only In Me, for I alone created the heavens and the earth.
Trust Only In Me, I am a jealous God.

Taken from the Webster's Dictionary:

Full Definition of TRUST

1

a :  assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

b :  one in which confidence is placed

A Story and A Prayer Request

Dear friends,

Some of you know I try to spend one on one time with each of my nephews and nieces.  I have a deep longing in my heart for each of them to have their own personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  

God gives me ideas for each child based on their age, their current spiritual development and any other needs they have to grow in this area - the most important area of all.  One was doing some reading and journaling but decided she'd rather do something during the summer.  Another needed the next Bible for her age and God provided one!  In fact, I gave it to her today.  Another child wants to go to movies and spend time with me.  Another has been doing lunch with me almost every month for three years and we talk about life stuff and God stuff.  It's an honor and a privilege to be chosen by God to have such an amazing influence in these little lives (11-19).  There are two more I'm reaching out to.

Today was Ryan's lunch day.  We had an amazing (I know I just used that word but it's true) time, opening up our Bibles as he used the first of three study guides I'd purchased from our Friends of the Library book sale last October.  He asked if I knew the guy who wrote the study and I said yes.  Ryan looked me right in eye as we sat across from each other at a picnic table and said, "Good because you know everything you tell me I'm going to believe as the truth and I'm trusting you."  My heart stopped, we kept eye contact and my eyes began to moisten.

I tried to put on the "cool" aunt hat but when I said, "Man, I don't know what it is that's making my eyes teary," he responded by saying, "Yeah, my eyes are crying, too."

God was all over our time together.  Every question Ryan had, I had a biblical response, the right response.  He just picked out his new bibles about two months ago and he was doing so well being able to use the table of contents and learn what John chapter 1 meant.  You see, I've had on my heart that a study bible would be great for him.  I brought mine and showed him how it worked when he'd get stuck understanding what the verse(s) meant.  My job was to speak when he asked me a question then show him where to find the answer or give him modern day examples from my life about what that word means.

Here's the prayer request and yes, of course, please pray for Ryan and I.  I asked him if he wanted to meet more often, like every two weeks, and he was excited and said yes.  

I brought my car to his house so his Dad could look at it.  Turns out I need new rotors and pads.  No biggie - I've been able to do that before.  I've been very nervous at the sound so I was glad it wasn't the axle.  However, when I put my car in reverse an awful noise came from the right rear.  Bottom line is Dale told me I can't drive my car because the spring on the right rear broke and the entire strut, mount and spring need to be replaced.  Difficult to do when they don't make your car anymore.

Here's the prayer request - I don't know what to do.  Right now I am without a car and that's not good on so many levels.  I have a couple of people who will help me and for that I am very grateful.  With this news of not being able to drive my car, I called my mom.  I talked and cried and listened and talked and cried and listened until I finally calmed down.  It's not the car that upsets me.  It's what the car represents:  Independence and my ability to take care of myself whenever I need to. It's a mental illness/bipolar depression thing.  I'm still not doing well on the medication so that's adding to my fear and at times like this it's difficult to stay in the moment. I know in my soul God is with me and He'll provide, just like He always has, for all my needs.  

Dale is making a bunch of calls tomorrow to try and find the part.  My mom said to get an estimate for everything that needs to be fixed so that I can make a decision about whether or not to fix the car.  I'll do that tomorrow.  My overall safety is a mixed bag of emotions meaning another strut could break at anytime just like this one did.  Luckily, I was backing out of my sister's driveway and not cruising at 55 mph on the way home.  One of the best things about the car is that the engine is in excellent condition. 

So, there you have it.  Satan is on the war path.  I'm turning it over to "The God of peace (who) will soon crush Satan under (my) feet."  (Romans 16:20).  What a day of rejoicing that will be!

Until that day, thanks for your prayers.

Love,

Amy

A Week Later...Resentment?

I was finally able to get my medication after a complete blunder or should I say multiple blunders at my doctor's office.  Not only did I continue persisting day after day for 12 days but I did so with limited medication.  This is not something I want to repeat or have repeated the next time I need a refill.  I don't want to chase down the office staff and deal with lies three times nor do I want to keep hearing from the Pharmacist, "No, Amy, the doctor hasn't called or responded to our fax," over and over again.  Next time, I have a plan.  I will spend the money for gas and a half hour drive to go to the office and sit there until it's done the FIRST time and if I can't drive I have people who will drive me.  SCORE!

Here's the deal.  I'm a nice person.  I'm sensitive, forgiving, understanding, kindhearted and I think of another person's heart before I do most anything.  So the nice side of me wants to forgive and forget all of the absurdities in their failing to call in a refill for one out of two primary medications that keep me able to function on most days.  Be nice, play nice, everything is good.  But I know better.  I know better because I can feel that little twinge inside starting to grow.  That twinge is a resentment and I have to stomp on it quickly.  Why?  It will eventually cause more psychological damage to me than to anyone else and my self-care says I'm worth living a life that is resentment free.

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous has a lot to say about resentments as it relates to alcoholics who want to continue a life of sobriety

I, as a sober drunk, can gain wisdom from resentments as long as I move toward forgiveness.
 - Amy Endler

"HARBORING OF RESENTMENTS IS FATAL (Taken from Sober.org)
From page 66 or thereabouts:

• ..a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
• The hours in which we allow futility and unhappiness in our lives are not worthwhile.  Resentments waste our lives.
• Resentments shut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit, thereby preventing the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience.
• When shadowed from the sunlight of the Spirit, the insanity of alcohol returns, we drink again, and we die.
• Harboring of resentments is fatal.

ERADICATING RESENTMENTS (Taken from Sober.org)

Column #1) Who do you hold a grudge against?

Column #2) What did they do that you found offensive?

Column #3) How did you contribute to their action? and

Column #4) Why did you react with a resentment?" 

Resume to Amy's Writing
"Who" is the picture in my head.
"What" is Say? Do? Not do? Things like that.
"How" does not always include "my contribution."  Something can happen "to you."
"Why" is kinda silly.  I can't react "with" a resentment.  I can only act "out" of a resentment.  I mean, I was angry and hurt after 7-8 days of the crap.  Justifiable anger.  I haven't reacted out of a resentment except to say I have the potential because of the twinge inside of me.  This is a warning signal that I better get about the business of praying to God for these people and for them to have all the goodness and blessings I have from Him.

I want those old messages I received from early on then into my teens to not hurt or be triggered so easily anymore.  I want to be fully healed into the image of Christ.  So, What Would Jesus Do?  The Bible says he willingly entered into tough conversations with people and He, my Savior, was not popular with everybody.  I'm ready and able to do the same, where I'm not going to be the popular girl at the table.  I'm growing to understand that bringing out the truth in a way that can be heard (I do fail occassionally) deflates the fear and anger I feel and the twinge begins to go away.

Just like the Bible has the Beatitudes, AA has the 12 promises.
Here they are:

(1)If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

(2) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

(3) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

(4) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

(5) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

(6) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

(7) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

(8) Self-seeking will slip away.

(9) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

(10) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

(11) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

(12) We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

And with God, all things are possible!

(Credit for Sober.org and AA is noted;  All other content is from Amy)

This Is Raw and It's Real

No anti-depressant for 8 days.
Eight days.
Today the call came that the call was made.
Twelve days after the first fax was sent.
12 days later.

I don't care who you are who is reading this right now but I want to cut so deeply all over my upper body and bleed out the amount of stress I have been under, the amount of mental energy it has taken to hold myself together while not medicated, the waiting and broken sentiments of "I'll call now," the absolute toll this has taken on my psyche, my ability to advocate for myself, my cry out for prayers from friends whom most live a mental illness free life, to learn to breathe through the anxiety, to let the tears roll down my face in utter numbness to a situation I have no control over, to beg God to have there be good news when I call the pharmacist only to be met with the same disappointing words over and over and over and over again until the time when the "good" news comes and all I do is go into a mania state where I can't stop going from one task to another to another to another and I know the medicine is ready but I have one more thing to do and another and another and another and I make a call to my therapist who picks up the phone and wants to know if I am going to cut myself or do anything else to harm myself and my mind can't wrap itself around the question because I was supposed to get her voicemail so I struggle to answer the question because I don't know I mean I don't think so and so I say, "No," but then she asks the next question and I know it's coming because all therapists follow the same protocal so I'm trying to figure out if I know the answer to it or not and I don't know if I can say no to it or not and then she asks if I'm going to harm another person or others and I flashed to this morning when I was going to drive to my doctor's office and grab that bitch who lied to me and didn't call in my prescription last week then she told the Pharmacist the wrong type of medication and the Pharmacist knew the history of the problems in getting this drug refilled yes I said refilled because you see this is not a new drug this is not a let's try it and see drug this is a staple in my daily medication that she fucked with and not matter what I did no matter what I did no matter what I did nothing worked and so was this bitch safe and was my doctor safe to those I had to say yes because I held it together long enough to not drive to the office and grab her and slam her into the wall beat the shit out of her and attack my doctor with my fists not just my mouth and beat the shit out of him so yes I said no.

Breathe.

Tonight I did drag race the other car.
I felt no value of my life.
I didn't care if I slammed into him or lost control and flipped over a few times.
My life had no value in my eyes.

When I was driving home, the faces of everyone who loved me flashed in my mind.
I have value to them.
It didn't matter if I wanted my heart to stop beating.
My life has value to them.

And the cutting?  It's either don't cut or hospitalize yourself.
Sometimes it sucks to put self-care into action but you just read it.
I'm on my couch with no cutting.
No cutting at all.

Being committed to my own wellness can be exhausting.
The above writing exhausted me but in a good way.
I got it all out without any interruptions.
I had to get raw with how I am feeling.
Vulnerable?  I can't tell you how naked I feel right now.

But I tell you this with a racing heart, tears streaming down my cheeks and a good cry about to ensue:  God wants us to heal and to keep healing and keep healing and keep healing and then He wants us to live in the victory of courage through faith when we take these HUGE steps.  Because in the end?  It's God and us.

Two and a half years ago I would have been drunk, attempting suicide, cutting everywhere I could reach and starving myself as a punishment.  Not tonight.  I'm sober, I overcame the suicidal thoughts during the weekend, my body is clean and clear and I took myself out to dinner.

Today is a good day.

Dreams of Past Friends

I've been having dreams of my safe people.

In the first dream I am sleeping at her house and I must have woken her up when I had a bad dream.  She sat on the end of my bed, put her arms around my shoulders and tenderly kissed my cheek.  She kept holding me as my fear continued.  She reminded me that she was here with me and I was safe.

When I woke up I felt self-conscious even though it was a dream.

The next dream I had I fell asleep in another friend's house and slept walked into her bedroom where I curled up on the floor and fell asleep near her feet.  She found me sleeping there and let me stay there.  No words were said, no physical touch.  Just safety in knowing she was there.  When I woke up in the dream and realized where I was I went back downstairs to the couch and fell back to sleep.

That's when something strange but wonderful happened.  There was a gathering of young adults from my childhood twelve step groups and some adults and some children I have loved who were now young adults and older gathering to thank me for the difference I made in their lives.  I had no idea there had been so many.  I had no idea some of those lost relationships still hurt.

Beginnings and endings.
Every person has a name that mattered to me.

I guess in my need to be loved and in my need to make sure they know how very much I loved them, there's a longing to see them all again.