Surprise Loss Of A Friendship

A year ago, I left my home church of 27 years.  A dear friend endorsed a small multiple location church whose senior pastor has a very strong gift in shepherding, meaning he cares for the attendees very much.  I decided to give it a try.

I liked it.  I needed prayer after my first visit so after the service he directed me to the prayer area.  I was blessed to have multiple people pray for my concerns which were quite heavy on my heart.  I continued going to prayer after the service then eventually felt lead to go to one certain person.  I'll call her Sandy.

Sandy's prayers were deep, personal and reflected her relationship with Christ.  I felt stronger even if I didn't feel "better" after we'd pray.  Around this past February, something changed.

Sandy said to me, after we prayed, "I want to be your friend."  I wasn't sure what she meant so I poked around for clarification.  I first asked why then I said I'd think about it.  I felt a little uneasy in my spirit because if you knew me, you'd know I don't let people in randomly.  I'm very guarded, protective and selective.  I wanted to see if this was of God or not.

When I talked to Sandy again, I followed up with why she wanted to be my friend and I noticed her response seemed genuinely heart centered.  I took a risk and said yes.

We continued praying together but then I noticed some of her behavior I recognized from my own past.  I accepted her as she was, loved her where she was and encouraged her during times of stress.  Since I am a writer, my words tend to be deep and sometimes can be misunderstood as being in love with someone rather than affectionate love toward someone.

We started getting together outside of church which was a shock to me.  I knew she had a busy schedule but she said she enjoyed being with me.  Quite a compliment.  We even went to the Memorial Day parade together, took a walk on a trail, met at her house a few times and I shared part of my book with her (a big step for me).

Not long ago, Sandy was going through a lot of stress.  I was writing as I write and I happened to touch on the Orlando Massacre and I touched on a part of my past where I was sexually mixed up.  I knew something was terribly wrong by her written reaction.  The friendship exploded and unraveled all at once.  I hadn't felt so hurt or misunderstood by her until that point.  It was just a matter of time before she put up so many walls of protection that never needed to go up.  Then it happened.

Eventually she apologized, mind you, all through email, but the damage was done.  I'd deleted her from my social media and other communications so that I couldn't get hurt anymore.  Yes, I'd forgiven her, but the damage was done.  There was no going back.  There couldn't be.  She sent a final email that said so.  Her boundaries left no room for me although I think it was supposed to look like they did so I pulled the plug all together.  I'm guessing but now she can be the good guy.

Essentially, she went from "I want to be your friend" to "I don't want you in my life."

The sadness I feel is the loss of someone I trusted, felt safe, she felt safe and she told her family about.  The anger I feel is neither one of us is perfect but I got all the blame.  I extended grace to her during her troublesome times yet she chose to believe something about me, instead of asking questions or having empathy.

I can't do what she wants to do which is to go back to "church only" interactions.  That's unrealistic and more painful than I want to put myself through.  Unfortunately, since our church is small and I'd see her each week, I need to find another church but stay with my small group.

What have I learned?

• Sometimes, loving people hurts but you don't stop loving people.
• You learn to identify safe people and make sure you are a safe person for someone else.
• Hurting people is not what God intended for relationships.  
• I need to decrease my expectations and increase my time alone.

                         Safe People - By Dr Cloud & Dr Townsend

Brave Bipolar Balance

Awareness of how you're feeling when you wake up.

Bold enough to tell yourself the truth.
Caring about someone other than yourself.
Doing a random act of kindness without being caught.
Estimating your medication so you don't run out.
Finding a support group that "gets" you.
Giving your talents to a non-profit organization.
Having the courage to say, "Ouch."
Ignoring negative people instead of punching them out.
Justifying your actions to those who know you.
Kindness attracts kindness.
Love those who are difficult to love because they are trying to love you.
Mania is possible to manage.
No one has the right to hurt you.
Open your eyes and see the beauty God created in you.
Play often and much with your friends.
Quietly meditate so your mind can be at peace for a little while.
Rest when you are weary.
Sunshine is good for depression.  Too much sleep exasperates it.
Trust can be broken but it can also be restored with forgiveness.
Understanding your illness helps you explain it to others.
Very carefully, let people in.
Wishing doesn't make it so.
Xtra time with God can fill those holes in your soul.
Yelling never solves anything.
Z-best thing for bipolar is education so go get some:  www.bphope.com

Pride and Insecurity

I'm listening (again) to Beth Moore's, "So Long Insecurity (You've Been A Bad Friend To Us)."

The part of the book that is capturing my heart is pride.  Did you know there are so many factors and life experiences that feed pride?  It's no wonder it roars like a lion in so many cases or crushes us like a bug in others.  My own story about pride is a sad one but Jesus is turning my mourning into dancing by bringing forth weapons of massive healing, not destruction.

Let me tell you that pride can destroy relationships in one fell swoop and take the joy out of fellowship.  Pride can often not be "taken back" once it slips out of your mouth nor can it be explained without seeing a therapist.  Pride has an unnatural way of cornering us and making us feel unable to move or resolve issues in healthy ways. This is my opinion, not Beth's.  I don't often quote people but I do recommend her book.

Pride and insecurity seem to go hand in hand for me.  Where pride is selfish and destructive to myself and others, insecurity is based on my interpretation of another's behavior.  When I feel hurt by someone else, I immediately look for a "blanket" to cover me up.  Sometimes it's food, self-injury in my mouth, distancing myself or isolating.  Sometimes the last two are good so that I can wrap my head around what happened and respond appropriately rather than emotionally.

I have no issue with people who are honest, apologize or in other ways take responsibility for what they've done.  Even if they take too much responsibility (which I will address) or if they feel they are not a good enough friend and this is too hard (which I will address), my own insecurity is triggered.  I have to take a time out to:

1. Identify the trigger
2. Was it intentional?
3. How am I feeling?
4. Is this friendship worth the work? (Determines how to proceed)
5. Talk to my therapist
6. Ask God to Reveal Options of Reconciliation
7. Talk to the person by voice (Typing can be misunderstood)
8. Listen, Listen, Listen
9. Ask Questions
10. Pray (Christians)

Let me close with my favorite poem, "Desiderata," which says:

May God bless you on your journey toward relational wholeness,

Amy

Being Single But Not A Lesbian

I met with my therapist and dumped everything that has been emotionally heavy for the past couple of weeks.  The main one being the death of my first counselor when I was fifteen years old.  I never thought about how I would feel or react to her death.  I must admit it's been quite a shock.

She was a "Christian" counselor who, according to my Mom, did a lot of damage.  My tendency is to not talk about it because it's painful and in the past.  The problem is that I'm being triggered by someone else's behavior so I have to get about the business of cleaning up the mess this counselor left behind otherwise I'll crawl into isolation and end up drinking alcohol to numb the pain.

She labeled me as gay at age 15.  At age 17 she told me this.  At age 22 I met a woman.  No wonder I ended up in the Lesbian community for 4 1/2 years.  I never once believed her.  In fact I verbally fought with her before and after I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  She had her reasons for believing I was; I had my reasons for believing I wasn't. I walked out of a session and never went back.  In fact, during that relationship, a man I was engaged to previously called to ask if I was seeing anyone.  I said yes and we both moved on.  I was as lost as lost could be.

But God had another plan.

By age 26, I was with my second partner who was a Christian.  She somehow got past Roman 1 and she intrigued me.  But then I was in a different community of women, still didn't feel it was right so this time I asked God to make it clear to me who I was in His eyes.  I needed a clear cut answer so that I would never waiver again or be tempted to fall back into that world.  You see, I felt safe, understood and loved.  Who would ever leave a place like that?  No one in their sane mind.

From June 17-June 24, 1994 God answered all of my prayers and pleadings.  Through Moody Radio and my church, He gave me the answer, "No, I did not create you to be a Lesbian."  I was sitting in my church's midweek service which happened to be Vision Night 1994, when I distinctly heard myself say in my head, "I can't serve God with my gifts if I stay in the gay community.  I have to get out of there!."

I decided not to tell my new found freedom from my partner until I talked with my new therapist.  I wanted to make sure I was on target.  The next day I walked into my new therapist's office, sat down and when she asked what was new I about jumped out of my skin and declared with juebuelence, "I'M NOT GAY!!"  She reeled me in and asked what had happened.  Sure enough, I was free.

From what?

• Hiding from God out of shame and guilt
• My family's disappointment and distancing from me
• No freedom of affection in public
• My insides never felt so good!

I know the Lesbian lifestyle isn't for me but it is for others.  I do not judge people who like motorcycles and I do not judge people who like guns.  To each his/her own.  I'm responsible for myself when I stand before my Maker and give an account for my choices in life.  More than anything else in the world, when Jesus comes up to me and tells God the Father, "Yes, I know Amy." I want him to say, "She let me help her during a very difficult time in her life to make the right choice even though it was not a popular choice."   

That's what my childlike ears long to hear.

Also, I'm committed to a life of abstinence and singleness until God brings the right man into my life.  And if no one comes along, I'll be happy and content on my own.  "It is not good for man to be alone."  He didn't say it wasn't good for woman to be alone.

The Voice of Lonely

Songs have been written about "Owners of a Lonely Heart" and "Who's Cryin' Now" but I doubt people who haven't been in a mental illness hospital as a nurse, mental health counselor, patient or visitor, people not working with trauma survivors and veterans or people helping the mentally ill everywhere they many be, have ever heard what I heard my first night at the Behavioral Health Hospital this last time, when I needed to go for a medication adjustment.

I was alone, waiting for my meds at the nurses station.  When the cry started, it caught me completely off guard.  We share a double door with the Acute Care Unit which is where I was going to stay that night, my first night, but a bed opened up on my unit.  I wondered how one could be so sad.  This beautifully sad cry echoed down the hall I was in.  I was captivated by it.  I sat in a chair, lowered my head and prayed.

So sad....so beautiful...so lonely...so in need of her Heavenly Father's blanket of peace, security, safety and His arms holding her tight, rocking her gently, collecting each tear in a bottle and whispering, "There, there my daughter, let it all out and don't be afraid.  Daddy's here and I'm never going to leave you."

Have you ever heard someone cry from a place in their soul that's so lonely it makes you sad?  I hadn't until the next day.  It was intensely emotional.  I shed tears every time I heard her pain-filled yet beautiful cry.  I closed my eyes and prayed again.

When you know the story of your Savior, Jesus Christ, you remember the anguish he carried on His shoulders and the cries of His heart as He wanted to complete the mission His Father asked Him to take on

It was early in my life as a new believer that my tears for His pain pierced my heart and stained my shirt.  There's a song titled, "I Will Never Be the Same Again."  That's right.  For those of us who have personalized Jesus taking the wreckage of our lives and blowing it away with the gentlest of air from his lungs, we (I) take his gift to heart and try to live the life I'm meant to live according to his plan and purpose.

Lonely?  I don't know if I'll ever hear her cry again in person.

God is good.

He shows up in acute 

mental illness hospitals and 

on the streets 

where most human beings 

do not want to stay alive.

Lonely's cry will forever echo in my body.

The sound of her lonely soul.

In my heart I hold her,

Praying over her,

Rocking her,

On God's behalf, 

Be at peace, Lonely.
Your Father in Heaven is watching over you.