I liked it. I needed prayer after my first visit so after the service he directed me to the prayer area. I was blessed to have multiple people pray for my concerns which were quite heavy on my heart. I continued going to prayer after the service then eventually felt lead to go to one certain person. I'll call her Sandy.
Sandy's prayers were deep, personal and reflected her relationship with Christ. I felt stronger even if I didn't feel "better" after we'd pray. Around this past February, something changed.
Sandy said to me, after we prayed, "I want to be your friend." I wasn't sure what she meant so I poked around for clarification. I first asked why then I said I'd think about it. I felt a little uneasy in my spirit because if you knew me, you'd know I don't let people in randomly. I'm very guarded, protective and selective. I wanted to see if this was of God or not.
When I talked to Sandy again, I followed up with why she wanted to be my friend and I noticed her response seemed genuinely heart centered. I took a risk and said yes.
We continued praying together but then I noticed some of her behavior I recognized from my own past. I accepted her as she was, loved her where she was and encouraged her during times of stress. Since I am a writer, my words tend to be deep and sometimes can be misunderstood as being in love with someone rather than affectionate love toward someone.
We started getting together outside of church which was a shock to me. I knew she had a busy schedule but she said she enjoyed being with me. Quite a compliment. We even went to the Memorial Day parade together, took a walk on a trail, met at her house a few times and I shared part of my book with her (a big step for me).
Not long ago, Sandy was going through a lot of stress. I was writing as I write and I happened to touch on the Orlando Massacre and I touched on a part of my past where I was sexually mixed up. I knew something was terribly wrong by her written reaction. The friendship exploded and unraveled all at once. I hadn't felt so hurt or misunderstood by her until that point. It was just a matter of time before she put up so many walls of protection that never needed to go up. Then it happened.
Eventually she apologized, mind you, all through email, but the damage was done. I'd deleted her from my social media and other communications so that I couldn't get hurt anymore. Yes, I'd forgiven her, but the damage was done. There was no going back. There couldn't be. She sent a final email that said so. Her boundaries left no room for me although I think it was supposed to look like they did so I pulled the plug all together. I'm guessing but now she can be the good guy.
Essentially, she went from "I want to be your friend" to "I don't want you in my life."
The sadness I feel is the loss of someone I trusted, felt safe, she felt safe and she told her family about. The anger I feel is neither one of us is perfect but I got all the blame. I extended grace to her during her troublesome times yet she chose to believe something about me, instead of asking questions or having empathy.
I can't do what she wants to do which is to go back to "church only" interactions. That's unrealistic and more painful than I want to put myself through. Unfortunately, since our church is small and I'd see her each week, I need to find another church but stay with my small group.
What have I learned?
- Sometimes, loving people hurts but you don't stop loving people.
- You learn to identify safe people and make sure you are a safe person for someone else.
- Hurting people is not what God intended for relationships.
- I need to decrease my expectations and increase my time alone.
