Not really sure what's going on. Had therapy session tonight. Talked about self-injury and not feeling emotions. I know self-injury replaces emotions so I feel something. The problem is that I don't feel comforted from self-injury. So why do it?
I get really frustrated with Borderline Personality Disorder. It has a list of 10 symptoms, 9 of which I do. I seem to be getting angrier at things that really shouldn't bother me as much. It's hard to tell when my anger is justified and appropriate. I have a lot of fear about expressing it. Mostly because I'm afraid I'll lose control and hurt someone verbally or physically. Sometimes I just want to punch the person.
Anger was the only acceptable emotion when I was growing up. But I'm not seven or eight years old anymore. Still, I'm waiting for someone to say something nice then switch to leaving me. That's happened so many times in significant friendships. The first one was at age 17. I was completely shocked and vowed to never trust anyone like that again. And I didn't until I was 29 years old. God blessed me with the best friend I'd ever had. I had to leave that relationship because of my mental illness. I left her before she left me. I still miss her.
Now I have four friends who are praying for me as I write my book. Two friends are from 1991 and 1994. The most recent friend is from 2009/2010. My friend I've reconnected with is from grade school. I'm blessed to have these women, all Christians, in my screwed up life. That's how it feels most of the time: screwed up.
This journey I'm on is very difficult. I know God has called me according to His purpose to write this book. I know He will give me all I need to accomplish this task. I pray I don't have a mental or emotional meltdown and end up back in the hospital. I guess only time will tell.
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