About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

Grieving the Loss of a Pet


If you have ever rescued a cat you know it takes time to build trust.  Once that is established and the cat wants to go back outside again, every time you let them outside there is a possibility they won't come back.  Eight years ago I rescued a pregnant 2-3 year cat who became one of my indoor/outdoor pets.  She's always came back when she went outside.


Well, almost always.  A couple of months ago she was gone for sixteen days because she couldn't get out of my neighbors shed.  She was very glad to be found.  Even though I'd been walking around for days calling her name she never meowed until that day.

I've been hoping for the same set of circumstances this time around.  I've been walking around, calling her name, using my flashlight trying to find her.  The difference is I have not heard her meow.  I have no indication that she is in my area.

Worse is the weather we've been having.  Very cold temps in the low 30's down to the single digits.  Then up to the 50's for a couple of days.  I went looking for her all over and calling out her name.  I posted a flyer with her picture, my phone number and a suggestion for people to check their sheds.  Our mobile home park has very nice residents and a lot of us are animal lovers.

I received about 4-5 leads.  None of them panned out.

Everyday when I drive to the mailbox I look at all the homes, searching for her or any clue of her whereabouts.  Everyday I pray she's sitting on my porch when I pull into my parking spot, open my front door in the morning or open my door at night just to check.  When she's not there, I feel a twinge of pain in my gut and my eyes water.

Even my other cats give me cause to hope.  They sit at the window next to the door.  Whenever their heads look toward the ground and toward the door this little ray of hope shoots through my body as I get up and look to see if she is out there.  But she's not so I go back to sitting down and feeling sad all over again.

This past weekend we had warm temperatures and I couldn't bring myself to look for her.  I couldn't subject myself to anymore pain or "what ifs" or disappointments when I wouldn't find her.  The sadness of her not coming home was too much to bear.

Here are some of the thoughts I've had in my mind:
  • Kitten probably froze to death because of her age
  • Kitten could have been caught by a coyote
  • Kitten could have wandered off and doesn't know how to get home
  • What if Kitten has been sitting on my porch at night waiting for me but I never knew it?
  • Even though Kitten has a collar and a name tag, she might not be around people
  • If God wants Kitten to come home, He will lead her home
  • I can trust God to do what is right for Kitten and for me
  • The last time Kitten was missing, I poured out my heart to God and He heard me.
  • God brought Kitten back last time but He may not do it this time.  
  • It's okay to cry not knowing what happened to Kitten
  • It's okay to cry missing Kitten
  • It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten is not at home so I can take care of her
  • It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten is all alone outside
  • It's okay to cry feeling sad that Kitten isn't with me so I can hug and love her
  • It's okay to cry feeling sad just because I feel sad.
Kitten has been part of my household for eight years. Not only did she have two litters of kittens but she also mothered another litter of kittens.  She was warm, affectionate and not afraid of my nieces.  She was so sweet.

My therapist reminded me that I'll always have good memories and pictures of her. I understand why she said that and I know it wasn't meant to take the hurt away.  It was meant to remind me that I'll always something that no one can ever take away from me.
  • Self-Care:  Looking for Kitten, day after day, was hard.  Having my hopes up then feeling them go down was a rough roller coaster to ride.  It feels like I'm still on it.  I'm not shutting it down but I am not getting on the ride as often.  A healthy boundary has been put in place so that I don't cause undue pain - I have enough pain as it is.
  • Writing down the facts about what could have caused Kitten to disappear and the rest of the list was helpful.  Seeing thoughts in black and white empties the part of my thought process that obsesses.
Grieving the loss of a pet is very important.  Holding those sad feelings inside can cause unhealthy behaviors in other areas.  I'm letting myself be sad pretty much any time the feelings surface.  Sometimes it will be more intense.  I know this from past experience.  I know I'll be okay.  

Even though these feelings are uncomfortable to feel, I know it's a way to honor Kitten.