When I was sexually abused and then my personality split, we were taken to Sunday school where I learned about God's love for me. Something must have stuck because when I was seeking to begin a relationship with a Higher Power in twelve step groups, the intellectual concept was not hard to grasp. It was the emotional one.
You see, I was a very mixed up teenager who was emotionally needy for a best friend and a Mom. I, at age 17, was still looking for someone to love me enough to want to take care of me and help me emotionally. I was looking for an adult woman who could see past my pain, into the hell of hurt and abandonment I was living in. Was there anyone who saw it? Anyone who didn't try to "tough love" me out of legitimate longings to be held and loved? Or those who felt threatened in their marriages because of their own issues then passed that bullshit onto me and blamed me?
Yes. There were two women who gave me the gift of their love at a time in my life when I struggled the most:
- I stopped by Debra's house after trying to see a "friend" when her father died. We were talking in a private room. She has several children who were young at the time. I remember pouring out my heart to her, knowing she was listening intently. She is someone whose walk with God I have always admired. When I stood up to leave she reached out to give me a hug and as we hugged something I'd longed for happened. She held onto me for a very very long time. No talking, no crying. I rested in her hug and I believe I drifted off. I never felt love like that before and it's the warmest memory I've carried for thirty years.
- Avis came into my life when I was new to Al-Anon. She always came up to me after the meeting and said something nice. Then she'd bear hug me. She was just a little thing but she knew how to hug! She loved me for me. She didn't judge me or try to make me into someone I wasn't. She helped me grow through the twelve steps and listened whenever I called or came over. She, too, is one of the most love-filled people I have ever known. Her spiritual life was one I wanted. In fact, when I learned about how much God wanted to have a relationship with me, she was the one I called. I love her to this day although I lost touch with her many years ago.
I firmly believe God brought Debra and Avis into my life to heal that little girl inside who was crying out for someone to love her - just once, to hold her and tell her how special she is. I believe this because it happened and it happened perfectly.
I trust God because even when people act like people and do stuff people do, I know in my heart that I am one of God's treasures,
I am His beloved daughter,
I am saved by His grace,
I am loved because He first loved me,
I am not to fear for He is with me and
I am to forgive others as I have been forgiven.
Yeah, I trust God more than I trust anyone on this planet.
