It wasn't until I attended vacation bible school a couple of times and Sunday school off and on that I learned about God's love. Even though I was being taught "God loves you," I knew different. God never visited my house.
My house was filled with yelling, violence, loneliness, abuse, neglect and constant fear. God was nowhere to be found. Besides, I wasn't the type of kid God loved. He loved good little girls who weren't stained with physical and sexual abuse, bruises and blood, tears and torment. I was a tomboy, tough on the outside, tougher on the inside.
And yet there was a yearning inside that wanted to believe God loved me like they said He did. I longed to be loved. I longed to be protected from the abuse. Instead the hurt and sadness I felt turned into rage and I became the protector for my mom and sisters.
I developed a survivor mentality. I put my body in between my dad and a family member. I inserted myself in arguments so that I'd get the abuse and not my family. I developed such a tough exterior I could handle it. If I sensed him to be in a violent mood, I'd pick a fight to get it over with so no one else would get hurt by him.
I love my family. I'd do anything to keep them safe. Anything.
When I started going to Alateen, I learned about God. I learned He was here to help me. He wanted to be an active part of my life. Not a by stander.
They said God loved me just as I was. I didn't have to perform for Him. I didn't have to be perfect. He loved me, warts and all. I didn't have to pretend I was something I wasn't.
When I became a Christian, I learned God's love was a gift I did not have to earn. It was freely given through Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. No one or nothing could ever take it away.
They said God's love is gentle and kind. It is not dependent on anything I do. His love will take my hand and lead me down the path He wants me to go. He will never lead me astray.
I've learned God's gentleness is good, everlasting, never fails, thoughtful, loving, eternal, never changes, encouraging, safe, satisfies.
Isn't it great to have a God who loves us so completely?
