Have you ever had a time in your life when you felt so vulnerable that being around people scared you? You don't feel in control of your emotions, you're afraid people will judge you or label you and retreating into yourself is the only place you feel 100% safe? I know exactly how that feels.
Recovering from incest and sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and growing up to be the son my Dad always wanted, I yearned for someone I could be close to. Not sexually but through tender hugs and kind words and loving eyes looking back at me and listening to what was on my heart. God provided for those needs in five of the seven therapists I've had/have.
Each one gave me some.
Only one gave me all.
And when I'm going through an especially hard time, that's the one I want to talk to the most. It's not mean that I don't want to talk to any of the other ones. In fact, my current therapist understands that the one I want to see and talk to is the one who helped me through the hardest part of my recovery. It's natural to want to be with her.
But since I can't, what's a person who wants to continue her recovery do? I take what I've learned and bring it with me to my current therapist. In fact, Faith Gallup started our therapy sessions using methods I wasn't used to. Even though it was weird at first, I've grown to depend on her in a healthy way.
A lot of it depends on me. I need to be healthy by becoming willing to be vulnerable in front of her and bring her into my vulnerability. Not an easy thing to do. Letting my emotions be my emotions in her presence is important. Her office is where I get to practice feeling my feelings. In fact, when I first started seeing her, I cried at each session - for awhile. New behaviors are safe in her office and encouraged to be explored.
Depending on my friends is different from a therapist. My friends are wonderful, loving women who bring lots of joy and helpfulness into my life. But they are not trained or educated therapists.
You could say, my therapist is a "friend" of a different kind because she's not my friend in the traditional sense. She's submitted and used by God to help bring about positive change so that I am free from the wreckage of my past. I've learned to depend on her wisdom, her guidance, her insight and her suggestions. She follows Jesus so I know her heart is in the right place.
- Depending on my therapist is healthy when I walk through the door using my two feet and not hers.
- It's healthy when I can treat her respectfully and she treats me the same way.
- It's healthy when we can disagree without hurling hurtful words at each other and can instead talk it out, even if it's messy.
- It's healthy when there is comfort in the silence and the tears.
- It's healthy when I walk out of there still on my own two feet but with some added support.
I've been very blessed to have Liz Morrison, Carol Davis-Serpas, Jeff Weineke, Julie Tevenon and Faith Gallup as godly men and women who live their lives according to His purpose.
It's my desire to emulate them in some small way because they've shown me a new way to live and have given me more tools than I could ever imagine.
I can't thank them enough.
