My mom, as I've mentioned several times, is my hero. For more reasons than I can explain, God blessed my life with a woman I once hated to someone I can share my abusive past with and she takes responsibility for those ugly things happening to me because she didn't stop it.
She divorced my Dad (1 of 6 abusers), went to Al-Anon, got me into Alateen and then we parted ways. By that I mean we focused on recovery in our own programs. Nowadays, we've had many talks and she's been persistent about my telling her what happened. Each time I do this, she apologizes. This has only been in the last 10 years.
Because I have suicidal tendencies and self-injurious behaviors, she asks that when she calls me, especially when I'm isolating, to call her back. You see, my isolation includes many people. Not all people but most. She called three times in the past 10 days and I hadn't returned her call. I haven't liked the phone for a long time. Texting and email are a Godsend.
This is the conversation between us:
"Hi mom. Just wanted to let you know that I am working through some abuse issues. These reared their ugly head and I've been keeping to myself pretty much. I'll give you a call when I'm ready. Love you much, flames (my nickname from her)"
Her response: "Phew! Thanks for letting me know and I'll pray for a resolution for you. Keep going! Love you more, Mom"
See? She encourages me to continue on my journey of healing and can spell Phew!! Who knew??
At church this past Sunday, my prayer friend whom I love, spent a long time learning about my childhood trauma. It was more than I could handle but I didn't know that until afterward when the inside of my head was all jumbled up, I had difficulty concentrating and by the time I got home I ran into my cave. I felt vulnerable, exposed and my safety was fading away. I didn't know this at the time (I can be a little slow) but I said too much too early in our relationship. I'll do that to please other people. I'll do that because I think I should. But I didn't check in with God to see if that's what He wanted me to do. I'm sure she and I will be talking about it at some point. Truth be told I want to ditch church on Sunday just to avoid a conversation but I know that is cowardice and not what God would want.
My Bible study group are a great group of gals. I've never felt like I fit in so quickly with any other groups I've been a part of. They are mature in their walks, bring their own perspectives and interpretations to the table and all of us are there each week - rarely is one missing. I had a breakthrough as we watched a video by Priscilla Shirer on "Discerning the Voice of God." It was all about the Holy Spirit. I can't really put into words the transformation that took place so here's an email I sent to the group:
"Hello everyone. I pray our study time yesterday filled your Spirits and/or increased your desire to know Him more.
Today I woke up with nothing in my head. No bad memories, no scary thoughts, no unsettling pictures and no desire to scream it out of me. It's now down into my heart where my therapist will step in and help.
What do I attribute this to?
Many things: God's promise to take away from me what He is going to fill in. The prayers of my friends and family. The prayers of warriors who stand guard, like Habbakuk, over the children of God. My open hands to receive or let go of whatever God wants me to do.
I'm learning that obedience, even in the face of things I don't understand, grows my faith and secures my confidence that God never wastes anything that passes through His hand.
I've lost 5 pounds in three weeks, just one pound away from my goal for the month. I'm ready to meet with my group about my book. I'm ready to face whatever needs facing because I want God to be glorified in everything I do.
Have a great week!
Love you all,
Amy"
That was Tuesday, Yesterday was busy with occupational therapy for my hand, running out to buy a printer (Best Buy gift card from Christmas) and staying in touch with my sister about her kitty being sick. I talked to a friend about getting together and I think I'm ready. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to come all the way out of my cave just yet.
The last thing that happened was my other sister giving me a card to go grocery shopping and get everything and anything I wanted/needed. I had just enough food to last a week before I got paid so I gladly accepted her gift. Then I had this feeling of fear come over me. And then I heard the Holy Spirit very clearly say (not audibly), "Free does not mean staying fat."
"Right." I replied. Because I was given carte blanche, I could have easily purchased all the junk food I wanted because I deserved rewards for going through this battle in my head. But was that what God wanted for me? No. I've struggled for decades with the verse that says my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Not my body. It's a far cry from any dwelling place I'd want to be in let along a part of the trinity.
I did not purchase one single item that was junk. I bought foods that I've been eating to reduce my weight, I planned ahead for our small group's table to bring in breakfast, I bought foods that were nutritious and then, I couldn't spend anymore. It became overwhelming to have an entire cart filled with food just for me. I was mentally exhausted.
I told my sister about this and she was so proud of me for not buy one junk item. Then I told her I was going to need some things in three weeks and she said, "Anytime, Ames, you let me know."
Our God is such a good God and I am a sinner saved by grace. His grace. And because of His grace, I will be forever grateful for His provision and for His healing care.
