I'm starting this writing with a song by Casting Crowns - Who Am I
This morning I was watching "My 600-lb Life," when I met Melissa. As is true with this show, yes it's reality and YES it's reality. As I watched her struggle with her weight, it wasn't new to see. I've watched a few of these stories and they're pretty much the same:
- Fat person can't get out of bed for months or years
- Fat person needs help from family to bathe and it's embarrassing
- Fat person keeps eating poorly but can't seem to stop
- Fat person reaches a breaking point: Death or Change
- Fat person goes on a 50lb/month weight loss plan under doctor's care
- Doctor performs surgery as different weight loss goals are met
- Skinnier person appears
- Skinnier person is motivated to keep weight off
- Skinnier person's life is restored
So what was different about this morning's story? It hit me square in my emotional food tank.
I've heard many excuses and many stories. I've told myself many excuses and many stories. But here's what made the difference: Melissa called sexual abuse "incest" and "molestation." She called it what it was, how she was in junior high when some of the molestation took place and her weight began packing on. I couldn't have heard my story more clearly than if it was God talking directly to me Himself.
Sexual abuse, for me, is a nice way of putting it. It's nicely packaged, nicely wrapped, nicely explainable and nicely received. But adding words like incest and molestation can tear that pretty wrapping into shreds and expose it for what it truly is. Sin. Not just any sin but sin that damages a little girl's hopes and dreams so much so that she hides in the fat of food. Lusting after food to kill the feelings of ugliness. Lusting after food to quiet the screams of loneliness. Lusting after food to keep away anyone who might want to care and love her.
The Bible says that God created us in His image but what it doesn't say is that the image we can proclaim as ours will be damaged by sin and quite possibly shattered into a thousand pieces. He never promised we'd have a trouble free life. In fact, Jesus promised our lives would be filled with trouble if we were to follow Him. Sometimes I think I picked up His cross by accident, not knowing all the trouble had already come my way and then there would be more. I think the reason I picked up His cross is because I knew we'd be carrying it together.
Going back to the story, Melissa knew she had a lot of emotional work to do in order to succeed in her weight loss plans. So do I. The last time I remember talking about those emotions is about 7-8 years ago with my therapist, Carol Davis-Serpas, LCPC. She stayed in the wrestling match with me and boy, was it hard. Now I have to get down to the next level of emotions so that I'm fighting, not only for my life, but for what I know God has asked me to achieve. I'm sure there are others I haven't figured out yet but when I do, I'm sure I'll write about them.
Melissa has lost over 200-lbs!
I've lost 17-lbs.
For now, I try to reduce my food intake, a struggle I've had since junior high and I'm no spring chicken. I'm confident I can do it - I'm not confident I can survive the emotions of doing it.
That will be my greatest test with the help of my current therapist, Faith Gallup, LCSW.
