A Busy Mind

Dear God,

I want to thank you for the wonderful news yesterday.  Medicaid FINALLY processed all my expenses and you rewarded my work by having my spend down met from Nov 2012 - Jul 2013.  I'm so excited!  Now I can submit the mental health bill, Dr. Didenko's bill and order my new glasses.  Next is to send in the pharmacy expenses and prescription D expense.  I think August and September will be covered once those are processed.

I'm shaking today.  Since I woke up, through group and presently.  It's mostly my head and not much with my hands.  My neurologist said it was my emotions.  I agree. I think it's my anxiety.

Group therapy for stress management met for the first time today.  I thank you Lord that it's all women.  And it's a small group.  I like everyone there.  I did good being with people I've never met.  Having Faith as the facilitator was added comfort.  I tried to participate and did well.  I talked about Aaron's sky lantern liftoff we did this year to remember him and the importance of journaling (for me) when I'm feeling stress.  I suggested a group rule:  Listen with your eyes.  I find it difficult to concentrate when some one is interrupting the person who is trying to speak.  Eye contact reflects your interested in what the person is saying.

The book arrived, "How To Write Your Own Life Story."  I glanced through the contents.  I think I can use a lot of the suggestions with our book.  It's important to keep two notebooks:  One for thoughts and the other for writing assignments.  It will be interesting to see how much of these ideas I can apply.  Some of them are rather positive.  That wouldn't be so bad, would it?  :)

Lord, I think I'm overly anxious.  My mind is active and racing.  My legs are bouncing.  It's like I'm on speed (although I don't know what that's like) and I can't find the brake.  I keep telling myself it's okay to stay out in public.  So I drove to the library and here I type.  It's nice to be around people but not involved with people.

Father, I'm going to listen to the two messages from church I missed.  I think that will help me get centered on your peace and rest.  I don't know if I can control this shaking/bouncing but I know if I don't try I won't know.

Your persevering daughter,
Amy Kathleen

God Alone

Dear God,

Thank you for my session with Faith.  I feel renewed.  I stopped shaking by the end of it.  Her presence is very soothing.

I gave her a copy of our book with the updates.  I began weaving you into it.  It wasn't hard.

I'm feeling kind of crummy.  Just want to curl up on the couch and watch a movie.  I've done enough for today.  Tomorrow I start group with Faith teaching.  I'm nervous.  I'm sure I'll be okay for the next 10 weeks.

I love you.

Your scared daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Healing Rain

Dear God,

I know you will provide for all my needs according your riches in Christ Jesus.  Help me to own that truth.

I literally feel sick to my stomach as I juggle your money.  The $100 surprise ticket in the mail, while I did roll through a red light, is nevertheless hard to squeeze in.  On top of that, before the ticket, I planned on taking my niece to Great America for her graduation/golden birthday.  So, the hundred dollars I was going to use just got sucked up.  Now what?

I hate living so tightly.  September can't come soon enough when my car is paid off.  Lord, I know you understand all of this.  I know you will help provide.  Still, I'm always anxious until that happens.  Right now would be great!  

I've been feeling depressed today - still.  It's heavy.  I've got to print a copy of my story for Faith.  I can do that tomorrow.  I don't even want to do anything.  I've already been out and about today.  I spent $20 on myself.  I couldn't not get anything.  $10 was needs and $10 was books/videos.  The Dollar Tree and Goodwill are my favorite places.  I didn't eat out.  

The truth is God, I'm still hurt about a friend.  I don't know what to do.  I really don't.  I sent another email apologizing for making a mistake.  Asked again for a chat time.  No response.  I don't understand.  I'm so used to other friends responding within a few days or so.  This friend included.  I don't know if I'm asking too much or if...I dunno.  I pray for healing, Lord.  Jesus, please hold the three cords together.  I feel very sad.  Maybe my expectations are too high.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Asking

Dear Father,

I seem to be struggling with some depression today.  Is it the book?  I wouldn't be surprised.  Friends have warned me and my therapist confirmed it.  I kept busy.  My right hip was hurting pretty bad.  Thank you for the handicapped placard.  I needed it today.

I've been seeing a lot of Stephanie lately.  I think I'm healing more from that relationship.  It was good until it turned mean then I had to walk away.  Seeing her now brings up memories of abandonment.  If that was the ONLY symptom I had I'd still be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  The fear I live with is really something.  One might say it's ginormous.

Bill is teaching this weekend.  I'm still debating whether or not to go to church or watch on the Internet.  I feel like I need to make some additions to the writing I've done so far.  Then I need to make two copies.  I want to keep writing.  Am I pushing myself too hard, too fast?  I need to listen for your guidance.

Tomorrow I'll spend time at the library.  It's a safe place to write and not be disturbed.  I need to work on my budget and pay some bills.  Please guide me so I don't freak out.

Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen

Thank You

Dear God,

Thank you for a day of rest.  Thank you for no back pain.  Thank you for friends where we share in each other's lives.  Thank you for my family I've grown to love more.  Thank you for our relationship no matter how close or how far I am from you.  Thank you for Carol's love and heartfelt counseling.  Thank you for Faith's bravery and gentleness as she speaks truth to me.  Thank you for the tears I've shed as I heal from my past.  Thank you for the tears I shed for those who have died.  Thank you for the tears I shed when I'm all locked up and emotions won't flow.  Thank you.

Thank you for my home.  Thank you for my car.  Thank you for my kitties.  Thank you for my clothes.  Thank you for my shower.  Thank you for my Bibles.  Thank you for my books.  Thank you for my DVDs.  Thank you for my pictures.  Thank you for my laptop.  Thank you for my fans.  Thank you for my basic needs being met.  Thank you.

Thank you for your creation.  Thank you for trees.  Thank you for rivers and lakes.  Thank you for blue skies.  Thank you for hiking paths.  Thank you for forest preserves.  Thank you for camping.  Thank you for fishing.  Thank you for deer.  Thank you for turtles that walk across the road.  Thank you for the sound of coyotes.  Thank you for the northern lights.  Thank you for colors.  Thank you for peaceful surroundings.  Thank you.

Thank you for solitude.
Thank you for reflection.
Thank you for quiet times.
Thank you for promptings.

Your grateful daughter,
Amy Kathleen