When Is Enough, Enough?

I grew up, learning the hard way, not to question authority.  I learned not to think for myself.  I learned my feelings never mattered - to my abuser.  At an early age in grade school, my identity was stunted.

I didn't know I'd taken on some roles psychologists identified in alcoholic homes.  They are the caretaker, hero, scapegoat, lost child and clown*.  I was a mixture of the first three.

The trauma I lived through at such an early age has been masked for several decades.  I haven't had a year without some sort of chronic pain since I was four years old.  Beatings and sexual abuse, chronic migraines, a bad car accident where for two years I endured two lumbar disks pressing on a spinal nerve, bursting ovarian cysts, back surgery, back pain, another back surgery sixteen years later to put in titanium rods, screws and a cage and breast cysts.

I'm used to managing physical pain.  Even my mom and sisters tell me I have a very high pain tolerance and are amazed at how much I'm able to withstand.  I don't think about it.  I just do it.

So, why do I want to crawl into a hole and never come out?

Emotional pain.
Shame.

I don't know where to put them except on my body.  I don't want to put it there.  If I could somehow transfer the pain to a ball I would throw the ball into the river so it would get carried away.

Where does one put emotional pain and shame?

I wouldn't know where to begin.

I think I'm closer to "enough is enough."

I just don't know what to do next.

Alcoholic Family Roles - CLICK HERE

Abbott and Costello- Who's On First

This classic comedy sketch is one of my favorites.  Bud Abbott and Lou Costello pull off a synchronized banter that can be used in many fields, not just baseball.

Probably the most obvious point is their communication.  Even though each of them thinks they are asking the right questions and giving the right answers they are still looking at the conversation through their own unique rose colored glasses.

Imagine what the sketch would sound like if Bud Abbott were to say, "These guys names are who, what, why, etc..  Maybe it would be better if I drew it out for you."

Imagine if Lou Costello were to ask, "Bud, I know you know your players names but I'm missing something here.  Do you have a lineup sheet I can look at?"

Fortunately, they didn't ask those questions and we get to enjoy one of the greatest comedy teams of all time do what they do best.

The other thing I noticed was Lou getting more and more upset because he thought Bud wasn't giving him the right answers or he was just playing with him.  Lou could have taken a time out to settle himself down, remove himself from the heated discussion and give his blood pressure a chance to go down.

The last thing is these two guys did not get violent with each other.  They did not call each other names, use the bat in a way it's not intended for or use their bodies for intimidation.

Like I said, I love these guys.

I hope you enjoyed them.

I learned about better communication this time around.

The Potter's Hands

Isaiah 64:8  "Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

Have you ever had the privilege of watching a potter at work with a blob of clay, water, sponges, a potter's wheel and their hands?  

I have and it's quite amazing to see.

I was attending a small groups conference hosted by our church. I wasn't sure what to expect during this session.  

It was life changing.

So much of what happens between the potter and the clay is exactly like what happens between God and us.  God puts us on His wheel, places His strong gentle hands around us then begins to clean us.

Clay has what's called mire in it.  It's basically junk that needs to be removed from the clay before the clay can be formed into something.  Once that is done the shaping can begin.

The potter is in complete control from beginning to end.  That's what God asks us to do with Him - let Him have complete control of our lives.  I'm not there yet but I hope to be soon.

When the shaping is finished, the clay gets fired and painted. The potter is very proud of what they've created.  Remember God saying in Genesis about creating us that what He created was, "Very good."

One of the eye openers I'm having right now is I don't trust God as much as I thought I did.  I would much rather live in misery that I can control than live in uncertainty that He controls.  I know that sounds dysfunctional but it's the truth.

How do I grow in my trust with God?  I don't know but I bet my Christian therapist will have some ideas and hopefully some homework.

Food Addiction In Full Swing

It's no surprise my food addiction is in full swing.
I've reverted to when I was under incredible amounts of non-stop stress from 2006-2008.
It feels like everything that was floating peacefully was startled awake by a crashing storm.
Too much?  Perhaps.

In the movie, "The Perfect Storm," a swordfish captain finds himself in a dry spell.  This spell is lasting longer than previous ones.  He decides to do a quick turn around.  When he tells this to his crew, they are less than eager to go.  Why?

1.  They just got in and wanted to spend time with their families.
2.  No one with any sense goes out in October because of the storms.
3.  What's going to be different this time out?

Those are legitimate concerns but number three is key.  What's going to be different?   The captain tells them they are going to go further out to where the fish are and they are going to bring in the biggest catch they've ever seen.  He promises them success because in his heart, he needs this success, too.

I pose a similar scenario about my stress level, overeating and weight gain.

I start by telling myself for the umpteenth time - "Let's shed these unwanted pounds so you feel better about yourself, are not embarrassed in public and get your self-esteem higher."

What I haven't done is ask myself this question:  What's going to be different this time?

Nothing.  Can't think of a darn thing that will be different.  So naturally, I'm getting the same results:  frustration after frustration after frustration.

This insight is like the cue ball on a pool table being struck so hard by the pool stick that all the other balls break away from the pack and some of them fall into a pocket.  Quite frankly, for several years, I've felt like the pool balls in the middle of the break that barely move.

What does that say about my plan?

Something needs to change.

If I Had Cancer

Six years ago this month, my Dad died.
A heart attack killed him but he had many medical ailments.
The one that concerns my own health is colon cancer.

I had a polyp removed six years ago.
No cancer.
I'm due to have another colonoscopy this year.

It's something I think about from time to time.
I saw what it did to my Dad's quality of life.
But my Dad rarely went to the doctor for preventive medicine.


I read and listen to a lot of stories about cancer.
Children, adults, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, brain cancer.
The list of cancers is a long one, each of them categorized by stages.

Like I said, my Dad's cancer was aggressive.
It took only a few months for the colon to weaken.
He had surgery to try and repair it but it was too late.

My sisters and I offered on numerous occasions to help.
But my Dad was a proud man.
And his wife?  Well, she was a mystery to us.

No person should be made to live the way he did in his last years.
Though I have wondered if he reached out to God in those moments.
I like to think he did even though there is no evidence supporting that hope.

If I had cancer, I would reach out for help.
I would ask for prayer, ask for whatever I needed.
No matter what, I wouldn't shrink away from my family like he did.

I would never leave my family to wonder, "Why didn't you let us help you?"