This Is Raw and It's Real

No anti-depressant for 8 days.
Eight days.
Today the call came that the call was made.
Twelve days after the first fax was sent.
12 days later.

I don't care who you are who is reading this right now but I want to cut so deeply all over my upper body and bleed out the amount of stress I have been under, the amount of mental energy it has taken to hold myself together while not medicated, the waiting and broken sentiments of "I'll call now," the absolute toll this has taken on my psyche, my ability to advocate for myself, my cry out for prayers from friends whom most live a mental illness free life, to learn to breathe through the anxiety, to let the tears roll down my face in utter numbness to a situation I have no control over, to beg God to have there be good news when I call the pharmacist only to be met with the same disappointing words over and over and over and over again until the time when the "good" news comes and all I do is go into a mania state where I can't stop going from one task to another to another to another and I know the medicine is ready but I have one more thing to do and another and another and another and I make a call to my therapist who picks up the phone and wants to know if I am going to cut myself or do anything else to harm myself and my mind can't wrap itself around the question because I was supposed to get her voicemail so I struggle to answer the question because I don't know I mean I don't think so and so I say, "No," but then she asks the next question and I know it's coming because all therapists follow the same protocal so I'm trying to figure out if I know the answer to it or not and I don't know if I can say no to it or not and then she asks if I'm going to harm another person or others and I flashed to this morning when I was going to drive to my doctor's office and grab that bitch who lied to me and didn't call in my prescription last week then she told the Pharmacist the wrong type of medication and the Pharmacist knew the history of the problems in getting this drug refilled yes I said refilled because you see this is not a new drug this is not a let's try it and see drug this is a staple in my daily medication that she fucked with and not matter what I did no matter what I did no matter what I did nothing worked and so was this bitch safe and was my doctor safe to those I had to say yes because I held it together long enough to not drive to the office and grab her and slam her into the wall beat the shit out of her and attack my doctor with my fists not just my mouth and beat the shit out of him so yes I said no.

Breathe.

Tonight I did drag race the other car.
I felt no value of my life.
I didn't care if I slammed into him or lost control and flipped over a few times.
My life had no value in my eyes.

When I was driving home, the faces of everyone who loved me flashed in my mind.
I have value to them.
It didn't matter if I wanted my heart to stop beating.
My life has value to them.

And the cutting?  It's either don't cut or hospitalize yourself.
Sometimes it sucks to put self-care into action but you just read it.
I'm on my couch with no cutting.
No cutting at all.

Being committed to my own wellness can be exhausting.
The above writing exhausted me but in a good way.
I got it all out without any interruptions.
I had to get raw with how I am feeling.
Vulnerable?  I can't tell you how naked I feel right now.

But I tell you this with a racing heart, tears streaming down my cheeks and a good cry about to ensue:  God wants us to heal and to keep healing and keep healing and keep healing and then He wants us to live in the victory of courage through faith when we take these HUGE steps.  Because in the end?  It's God and us.

Two and a half years ago I would have been drunk, attempting suicide, cutting everywhere I could reach and starving myself as a punishment.  Not tonight.  I'm sober, I overcame the suicidal thoughts during the weekend, my body is clean and clear and I took myself out to dinner.

Today is a good day.

Dreams of Past Friends

I've been having dreams of my safe people.

In the first dream I am sleeping at her house and I must have woken her up when I had a bad dream.  She sat on the end of my bed, put her arms around my shoulders and tenderly kissed my cheek.  She kept holding me as my fear continued.  She reminded me that she was here with me and I was safe.

When I woke up I felt self-conscious even though it was a dream.

The next dream I had I fell asleep in another friend's house and slept walked into her bedroom where I curled up on the floor and fell asleep near her feet.  She found me sleeping there and let me stay there.  No words were said, no physical touch.  Just safety in knowing she was there.  When I woke up in the dream and realized where I was I went back downstairs to the couch and fell back to sleep.

That's when something strange but wonderful happened.  There was a gathering of young adults from my childhood twelve step groups and some adults and some children I have loved who were now young adults and older gathering to thank me for the difference I made in their lives.  I had no idea there had been so many.  I had no idea some of those lost relationships still hurt.

Beginnings and endings.
Every person has a name that mattered to me.

I guess in my need to be loved and in my need to make sure they know how very much I loved them, there's a longing to see them all again.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression Unmedicated

I have two lovely friends I can depend on no matter how busy they are in life.  I communicate with these ladies through email knowing it could be a few days before they get back to me.  Both of them have seen me at different medical stages of my life.  Mental stages, too.  Neither of them have ever walked away, even if I have quietly left one of them out of fear of them leaving.  They have made their love for me known and no one can replace them.  One lives a couple blocks away.  The other in Arkansas.  Both are my prayer buddies.


Having BPD means I feel things much more intensely than people without BPD.  I interpret facial expressions, tone of voice and text, eye contact and other body movements as something I did or said wrong.  Since I'm an introvert (a quiet person who can be around groups of people for a short time), my BPD hooks up with another quiet friend or a close friend who knows how I am around people.


Nine days ago there was an error made with a prescription of mine.  Never happens but it did.  Since I've been feeling angry, alone, lied to and unsupported, I decided to send a better descriptive letter to my two friends.  It helped to talk about it even if they don't fully understand.  Here's a sample of what I said:

"I wish I had the energy to ask how you're doing but this "no med" thing is really hitting me hard.  Thank goodness I'm dog sitting.  Rascal is great.  I lost 7 pounds last month but since I haven't had my meds I fear my weight is slowly going back up again.  I'm trying to be careful but I'm doing a lot of sleeping (short naps) today and trying to eat well in between.  I even gave myself a chore to do- put a/c in my car.  Never done it before and it works.  Problem is now there is a hissing noise coming out from the front of my car and I can't find it.  Doesn't matter if the car is off or on.  Fix one thing, ​then another pops up. 

Anyway, I need help with my mood which is downcast and my anxiety.  I'm having lunch with a dear friend who is in from Indiana tomorrow.  I've already asked her not to drink alcohol. 

I just want to scream, "Why aren't I important enough to call in a prescription that only needed to be corrected and that was 9 days ago?"  Between Walmart's faxes and my phone calls (2 direct conversations and 1 message), I've been promised it would be taken care of three times and it wasn't.  That's why I'm going to my Dr's office on Monday.

I hate having (diagnosis) or whatever else they want to call it.  Even if you call it an egg, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with."

Borderline Personality Disorder unmedicated is hard enough to deal with and when it's complicated with other unmedicated mental illnesses the outcome is very difficult to manage.  So for now, I tell the suicidal thoughts to go to someone safe and fall asleep.  I tell my mind alcohol won't take away the feelings of neglect and being alone.  I coax the depression into activity that won't overwhelm me but will give me something to do that is safe.  This is called self-care.

All of it, myself and my spirit, I commit to my loving God in whose hands I am completely safe from all things harmful for He created everything and called it good.

Borderline Personality Disorder Switched On

What are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

• Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
• A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
• Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
• Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
• Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
• Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
• Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
• Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
• Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with borderline personality disorder may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or —sudden changes of plans from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face5 and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.6

My doctor is changing my medications but I think this started weeks ago when a dear friend announced she was hired for a new job that is far away.  I immediately pulled back as way to protect myself from missing her or losing her friendship.  I'm not in the top ten of her important relationships but I don't know this for sure.  I know she loves me tenderly.  She has others like God, her children and grandchildren, her mother and siblings (one brother who passed away recently), her three closest friends, her job, taking good care of herself, many seeking her time, her garden, and then there's me. I don't think I'm at the bottom but that's where I often put myself in people's lives.  That's where I often put myself in my own life when BPD flares up.

My emotions of insecurity and deep hurt often cause me to mentally and emotionally leave relationships of the friends I love.  Like it says above, something mundane will trigger a reaction.  I'll feel angry, emotionally leave the friendship, refuse to feel close, have strong reactions to their words and negate anything positive they say to me.  They are liars, they don't love me, they have other friends they go to and if they really cared about me, they'd understand that any mistakes I make are not intentionally against them but sometimes part of the BPD I have or simply a mistake I've made.  Either way, I regret it and I'll apologize for it.

I don't like having BPD.  It messes with my head, my decisions, my sexual risks and behaviors, my close relationships and managing my emotions when they are triggered and strongly distressed.  It's like I hate the person who, in my mind, caused the distress and I've decided to evict them from my life forever.  It's not until I wait 24 hours before I respond do I see the lie and the truth.

People who do not have BPD are very fortunate.  BPD comes on quickly, severely and intensely.  If one's mental health is weak, BPD becomes a force of evil, leaving the victim unable to resist the power of the destructive behavior that seeks to destroy the soul that carries the BPD behaviors and fears.  Only by identifying our own illness, through ourselves or through someone else, can the power of BPD be arrested, eradicated and completely destroyed.  

ONLY THEN, will the subject who carries this beast know peace.

Why I Trust God

My background gave me no reason to trust anyone.  No women, no men and especially no authority figures.  I grew up from ages 14-21 in twelve step groups before I gave my life to Jesus.  If I couldn't trust anyone down here, how in the world did I trust Someone up there?

When I was sexually abused and then my personality split, we were taken to Sunday school where I learned about God's love for me.  Something must have stuck because when I was seeking to begin a relationship with a Higher Power in twelve step groups, the intellectual concept was not hard to grasp.  It was the emotional one.

You see, I was a very mixed up teenager who was emotionally needy for a best friend and a Mom.  I, at age 17, was still looking for someone to love me enough to want to take care of me and help me emotionally.  I was looking for an adult woman who could see past my pain, into the hell of hurt and abandonment I was living in.  Was there anyone who saw it?  Anyone who didn't try to "tough love" me out of legitimate longings to be held and loved?  Or those who felt threatened in their marriages because of their own issues then passed that bullshit onto me and blamed me?

Yes.  There were two women who gave me the gift of their love at a time in my life when I struggled the most:

• I stopped by Debra's house after trying to see a "friend" when her father died.  We were talking in a private room.  She has several children who were young at the time.  I remember pouring out my heart to her, knowing she was listening intently.  She is someone whose walk with God I have always admired.  When I stood up to leave she reached out to give me a hug and as we hugged something I'd longed for happened.  She held onto me for a very very long  time.  No talking, no crying.  I rested in her hug and I believe I drifted off.  I never felt love like that before and it's the warmest memory I've carried for thirty years.

• Avis came into my life when I was new to Al-Anon.  She always came up to me after the meeting and said something nice.  Then she'd bear hug me.  She was just a little thing but she knew how to hug!  She loved me for me.  She didn't judge me or try to make me into someone I wasn't.  She helped me grow through the twelve steps and listened whenever I called or came over.  She, too, is one of the most love-filled people I have ever known.  Her spiritual life was one I wanted.  In fact, when I learned about how much God wanted to have a relationship with me, she was the one I called.  I love her to this day although I lost touch with her many years ago.

I firmly believe God brought Debra and Avis into my life to heal that little girl inside who was crying out for someone to love her - just once, to hold her and tell her how special she is.  I believe this because it happened and it happened perfectly.

I trust God because even when people act like people and do stuff people do, I know in my heart that I am one of God's treasures,

I am His beloved daughter,

I am saved by His grace,

I am loved because He first loved me,

I am not to fear for He is with me and

I am to forgive others as I have been forgiven.

Yeah, I trust God more than I trust anyone on this planet.