Having BPD means I feel things much more intensely than people without BPD. I interpret facial expressions, tone of voice and text, eye contact and other body movements as something I did or said wrong. Since I'm an introvert (a quiet person who can be around groups of people for a short time), my BPD hooks up with another quiet friend or a close friend who knows how I am around people.
Nine days ago there was an error made with a prescription of mine. Never happens but it did. Since I've been feeling angry, alone, lied to and unsupported, I decided to send a better descriptive letter to my two friends. It helped to talk about it even if they don't fully understand. Here's a sample of what I said:
"I wish I had the energy to ask how you're doing but this "no med" thing is really hitting me hard. Thank goodness I'm dog sitting. Rascal is great. I lost 7 pounds last month but since I haven't had my meds I fear my weight is slowly going back up again. I'm trying to be careful but I'm doing a lot of sleeping (short naps) today and trying to eat well in between. I even gave myself a chore to do- put a/c in my car. Never done it before and it works. Problem is now there is a hissing noise coming out from the front of my car and I can't find it. Doesn't matter if the car is off or on. Fix one thing, then another pops up.
Anyway, I need help with my mood which is downcast and my anxiety. I'm having lunch with a dear friend who is in from Indiana tomorrow. I've already asked her not to drink alcohol.
I just want to scream, "Why aren't I important enough to call in a prescription that only needed to be corrected and that was 9 days ago?" Between Walmart's faxes and my phone calls (2 direct conversations and 1 message), I've been promised it would be taken care of three times and it wasn't. That's why I'm going to my Dr's office on Monday.
I hate having (diagnosis) or whatever else they want to call it. Even if you call it an egg, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with."
Borderline Personality Disorder unmedicated is hard enough to deal with and when it's complicated with other unmedicated mental illnesses the outcome is very difficult to manage. So for now, I tell the suicidal thoughts to go to someone safe and fall asleep. I tell my mind alcohol won't take away the feelings of neglect and being alone. I coax the depression into activity that won't overwhelm me but will give me something to do that is safe. This is called self-care.
All of it, myself and my spirit, I commit to my loving God in whose hands I am completely safe from all things harmful for He created everything and called it good.
