I've been a member of my church for twenty-six years. I served in a leadership position for twenty years until I became mentally disabled. Since that time I have struggled to get there.
I used to go on Sunday mornings. When that became too hard I switched to Saturday nights. When that became too hard I switched to watching it online. It's been 5-6 weeks since I watched an online message. I don't seem to be bothered by it. That's what bothers me.
When I first started attending in September of 1987, I was seeking a bigger God than the God of 12 step groups. When I learned about Jesus, His life, death, resurrection, appearing and ascension, I asked Him to forgive my sins and take them upon Himself in March of 1988.
My passion to serve Him and the church skyrocketed. I was deeply involved in children's ministries, later became involved in singles, community care and other weekend serving/overseas serving teams. There was nothing I wouldn't do to help others have a relationship with Him.
Enter mental illness. Enter seizures. Enter depression. Enter panic attacks. Enter anxiety attacks. Enter deep seeded root extracting issues. Enter intentional therapy. Enter hospitalizations. Enter self-harm. Enter suicide attempts. Enter eating disorder. Enter alcoholism. Enter isolation.
Everything stopped. Friendships. Work. Salary. My ability to cope.
Now what?
I still feel like many things have stopped. I don't have enough money for gas to be able to go all the places I want to go. I have to see Dr. Didenko and Faith. The next place would be my women's AA meeting and then church.
Why not resume watching church online? Because it's very hard to accept a season of life that is difficult. And yet, I'm grateful to be alive, for my mental health team, my family and friends, not self injuring and staying sober.
Church - Friend or Foe? Truth is, no matter how I'm feeling, my church will always be my friend. Maybe not all those who attend the church or all the leaders who guide the church or all the staff who work at the church or all the volunteers who serve at the church but Jesus, who resides in the church, will always be my forever friend.
That's what's most important.
