It felt to good to be with Faith today. I wasn't nervous like I've been before. I didn't think about the session at all before getting there. I just let it become whatever it was supposed to be.
We celebrated the weight loss. I told her I hadn't read that book because I was already reading a book about loss. I'm making the connection between using food as a comfort and the loss I've experienced in my life. Loss of innocence from the sexual and physical abuse, loss of close relationship with my sisters, loss of protective relationship with my Mom, loss of approval from my Dad, loss of some comforts like alcohol because I'm over four years sober, loss of comfort through cutting because I'm just over one year clean from it, loss of suicide attempts to relieve the pain for a year, loss through death of Karen, Cathy, Dad, Maryla and Aaron, loss of mental acuity due to mental illness, loss of job, loss of financial security, loss of physical stability and loss of friendships in Kelly, Gina, Bonnie, Annie and Sue.
My choice of comfort is food. Mostly carbs including pasta, candy, chips and cookies. I tell myself I am killing the feelings. That's not emotionally true but it feels true. It's a way to deceive myself into thinking I am maintaining control when in fact I am out of control. I am lying to myself so that I don't have to deal with what's staring me in the face. It's my way of burying the uncomfortable emotions instead of sitting in them like Dr. Erin told us to do. It's minimizing the pain when the pain is greater than I can bear.
Comfort: Coming Out May Feel Overwhelming, Really Try
I have to talk about the uncomfortableness. It's the only way I'll get better. I trust my therapist. There's no reason not to talk to her. She is safe, warm, caring and wise. She is careful, open, observant and gives great feedback. She is available, willing, has good ideas and prays.
We're going to start this workbook, "Food and Feelings Workbook," by Karen Koenig
Click Here to Find this Workbook on Amazon
I hope your Halloween is a great one!
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