I'd had a couple run ins with other men that day. The other men were angry, pushy and rude. I was able to respond to them respectfully and firmly. I suppose I used up my kindness on them and had none left when this incident reared it's ugly head.
The other factor is that I've been a witness to this person verbally abusing people I love. At home and in public. It takes all I have not to pummel them. I've wanted to say something for a long time but I've been asked not to. When it directly happened to me I was shocked and responded like it was my Dad. I wasn't going to take the verbal abuse anymore.
I spent two weeks working it out. I knew the Bible told me to go directly to the person, to not gossip about it and to speak directly in love. I know AA says to make direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. I knew I would see this person this weekend and I wanted to feel reconciled. I love this person. They are an important relationship in my life.
I talked about it with Faith. Broke down the play by play of what happened then dialogued a strategy. I felt prepared for the talk.
I got to the house and initiated a conversation. It took place later that evening. Here's some of what was said:
1. I started by initiating by saying this, "Do you have 5 minutes where I can make amends for my behavior"
2. I said, "I want you to know I would never purposely do anything to upset you or make you angry."
3. I said, "I'm sorry I used that word toward you. That was immature and very wrong."
4. I said, "You are a very important relationship to me."
5. I said, "When you use that tone of voice, I hear my Dad - and I'm just going to call it like it is - who verbally abused me and I get defensive."
6. I said, "How about in the future, instead of me reacting to what you say, I stop and give you the benefit of the doubt by listening to what you are trying to say instead of how you are saying it."
1. He said, "Yes, let's talk when I get home tonight."
2. He nodded as if to say, "Okay," you didn't purposely hurt me.
3. He nodded as if to say, "Okay," I accept your apology.
4. He said he was sorry. He thought he'd said he was sorry in the heat of the argument but realized he wasn't really sorry - it was just to ease the anger.
5. He said he knows he has a big problem with how he says things. He's working on it with his sponsor.
6. He agreed with my future plan.
We both had stuff happen that day that set us up for a conflict. They weren't with each other. My part is dealing with anger and conflict before going to another person's house so I don't bring it into any other situation. The other thing is to learn how to control my tongue. It's the deadliest weapon I have.
The last thing I told him was how much I loved him. He's my brother and I never want any conflict to come between us because it very uncomfortable.
Here's a video that talks about conflict resolution:
