About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Hard To Say No To Others For Self-Care

A couple of days ago, a dear friend invited me for a cup of tea. Initially I said yes and was excited to be able to sit across from her and listen to what's going on in her life.  But the next day I remembered I had a therapy appointment scheduled.

When I have therapy I don't schedule anything else.  It's because I'm usually anxious before I go, jittery while I'm in there and who knows what emotions are going to get stirred up.  It's been a good decision to lay low the rest of the day or take myself to mindless places where I don't have to interact with people.

Sometimes I leave a therapy session feeling exposed.
Other times I feel nothing - numb.
There are days I might be teary although lately those are few.
Then there are days I am angrier than anything I know what to do with.

Since I'm an introvert, I process best internally and alone.
I like to figure out stuff by myself then bring it to someone.
But there are times I get stuck so I bring it all and
dump it at my therapist's feet.
I think each of us silently drops it at the foot of the cross.

I don't leave every session a mess - lately I do.
I always like to give myself a clear schedule to take care of myself so I don't self-injure.

I love my friend and I'll miss not sharing tea with her.

However, self-care is teaching me that I have to love myself more so that I don't cut on my body or drink alcohol or shove food into my stomach so that I don't feel whatever it is I need to feel.  She doesn't know about that side of my life.  It's not time for me to reveal it.  When it is time, I'll tell her.

And in my heart....I know it won't be a big deal that I missed our time together.
How do I know this?  Because I know her heart.