We bumped into one another at a church group. From that day on we rekindled a fun and healthy friendship that would last about 3 years. It was one of those friendships where for a short time you live a lifetime.
God brought her back into my life to help me get through the sexual abuse memories that were flooding out of me. She taught me that Jesus was there when it was happening and he wept, too. That image has helped me push through the most painful parts of the abuse. No exaggeration.
She is a prayer warrior. She prayed for me constantly and fervently. I remember this one time a dentist was filling a cavity in the lower region of my front teeth. He nicked a nerve that required steroid and pain medication. It took a few weeks to get the right combination.
One night at church she was there as a prayer person. We hadn't seen each other for awhile. I sat with her and as she was getting ready to pray, she cupped her hand under my chin and held it there as she prayed. Her touch didn't frighten me. It's one of the few times I let someone touch my face. And soon after, our friendship faded away.
I don't know why I've always thought friendship should last forever. Maybe it's because the way I was raised caused me to be so empty inside and starving for love. Maybe I wanted to be mothered a little while by a mature woman who thought I was worth it. Or maybe I was secretly hoping I could be part of another family, blend right in like I always belonged there.
I had each of those kinds of friendships for a little while. One of them said she wished I was her daughter. Another said she wished she was my mother. I felt sad both times when they said it. I understood the sentiment. It was meant to be something good. It's just that I knew it wasn't possible. The dream I had would never come true.
And thank God it never did.
I don't know if this is healthy or not but I don't get to close to people anymore. I guard my heart. I've had too much brokenness and made too many mistakes. And let's be honest, having mental illness doesn't help.
My family and 5 friends are my bonds. They know me inside and out. I educate them on my illnesses. They help me with feedback. Writing this book is difficult. They give the right suggestions based on what I can handle. And if they say something wrong that upsets me or if they need more information from me, I tell them. That's what I'm responsible for - that's my end of our relationship.
The only friendship that lasts forever and doesn't have to be coddled is my relationship with God. He knows when I'm a mess, He knows when I need His help and He knows I want to live a better life.
And He knows my heart.
