Faith (my therapist) taught me how to do this today. She asked about the fear then kept going with a similar question until I was able to get down to a childhood memory that was feeding one of the fears I have.
For example. When I was young my dad taught me how to fish. He taught me how to hook the night crawler, set my line and eventually how to put the right weights, bobber and hook on my line. We fished at a couple different spots. He'd catch a large mouth bass. I'd catch a small mouth bass. I'd watch how he'd move his line in the water, especially how he'd cast it. He always told me not to make a splash when casting.
When Faith asked about the fear I had about going outside, I mentioned the fear of going fishing at my favorite solitude spot. She zeroed in on that and this is what I told her:
"When I was probably 10-11 years old, my dad used to go fishing in the channel which was a small part of the Fox River in our village. I remember one time he caught a catfish and said, "Amy, this is what you do when you catch a catfish." He put the catfish against a tree, knifed it into the tree BY THE HEAD so it stayed there, then he must have had another knife because he pulled the skin off from the top down in one even movement. All I remember is a naked fish and the knife he put through it."
The hard part was the violence I saw. I have a very tender spot for animals. My dad used to throw his shoes at my cats and it made me so angry. To see him do this to a catfish was disturbing. Even though he ate the catfish, the fact that the fish had the word "cat" in it was hard for me.
Pulling the fear apart revealed many things:
- When I go fishing, I can purchase the right tool to remove a hook if it's too far down the fish's throat.
- Since I already practice CPR (Catch, Picture, Release), I'm not doing any harm.
- If I do catch a catfish, there's nothing to be afraid of. I can purchase gloves to protect myself and I can ask God to help me get it off my line safely.
- Nothing says I have to use a hook. If I'm not ready, don't use one.
- When I'm ready, be responsible and purchase a license. I do this anyway but it's still good to write it down.
It was a very good day and the right day to pack my fishing gear and go to the forest preserve. There was no need to wait. I think if I would have waited my head would have replayed the therapy session and negated all the positive messages I absorbed. It could have been a deterrent and fed the monster called fear.
Pulling fear apart takes courage to talk about stuff even if you think you sound silly. I mean, who would have thought the catfish story with my dad was preventing me from going to my favorite solitude spot and fishing? Not me.
If you don't have a therapist and you live in Lake County, please give Faith Gallup a call. Her information is on the right hand side.
