About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Proceed With Caution

It seems this is the second day for processing loss in childhood friendships.  I don't know why this is coming up so strongly but it is.  Maybe because I'm feeling sad about the neglect and abandonment that lead to so much isolation.

I was looking at Facebook photos of two friends who were enjoying time on the lake, standing in a rain shower and other activities.  I read their comments and comments from their friends.  These were once two of my friends until they made other choices.

I don't know why they did that but they did.  One of their friends even said recently she had no idea I was a friend of theirs.  Of course not - I was never part of their group.

I was never pretty enough or thin enough or sporty enough or popular enough to fit in.  I was average, a little overweight, usually had a handful of friends and my grades were above average most of the time.

In high school, if I had to get something and go to my locker and if the same was true for one of the two of my friends, then we could say, "Hi," to each other.  Even then, there was no eye contact.  Otherwise, nothing.

I didn't exist.

How do you marry that to today's friendship?  I'm not sure.  At first I was so excited to see them I was filled with joy.  The second time was just the one friend and I which was very nice.  The third time was the other friend and I at the second match which was nice.

But now?  I'm not so sure.  I don't fit in with their group.  I don't fit in with what they do.  I don't fit in with much of anything.  I knew this when I first met with them, to not have high expectations.  To remember that their lives have been lived together for the last 40+ years.  Ours were only lived together for 3rd-8th grade, really.

So I have to say to God, "Lord, I love these gals.  You've brought me into their lives and them into mine.  I do not know the reason, Lord.  Please give me the strength and courage to remain in you so I can remain with them.  They are precious in your sight, Father.  Let me not grow weary or have doubt.  In Jesus precious name I pray, Amen."