About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Monday, September 01, 2014

Quiet Soul

Have you ever had a day where you sit on the couch looking at the blue skies and billowy clouds thinking it would be nice to go outside and enjoy the weather?  So you sit there, daydreaming on the couch, about what you'd be doing outside.

Taking a walk, organizing the shed or maybe opening up a lawn chair and watching traffic drive by.  In either case you are doing what your psychiatrist and therapist want you to do.  You are getting out of the house and into the sunlight so that those positive endorphins can get a kick start and you'll feel better.

I've been working on going outside for the last 2-3 hours.  From my couch I can see the blue sky, the wind blowing the trees and the traffic driving by.  I'm thinking about my shed that needs to be organized which is good because I'm an organized freak.

But then something happens in the feelings department of  my soul.  My soul doesn't want to leave the safety of my home.  It doesn't want to be outside in the sunshine or in the heat.  It would rather stay inside and work on the computer or watch DVDs.  Why is that?

I don't feel depressed.  I'm not self-injuring.  I'm not abusing food.  I'm taking my medication as prescribed.  I slept for almost eight uninterrupted hours.  Nothing is worrying or troubling me that I can identify.  So why don't I want to go out and accomplish a task I enjoy doing?

Maybe I just don't want to.  Maybe I don't want to, today.  Maybe I will want to on another day.  It's not like winter and snow and cold temps are right around the corner.  I have plenty of time to get things organized.  Maybe I'm so used to "doing" that I've lost sight of "being."

Leading a quiet life is about being quiet, doing things quietly and maintaining a quiet spirit.  Even in the midst of noise, quiet can be achieved.  For example, I attend a large women's AA group.  When everyone is talking at once I can center myself in the quietness of my soul.  The noise doesn't change - where I bring myself does change.

The sky will be blue and the clouds will be billowy and the shed will be a mess for future days.  One day I will summon what I need to do that task.  Until then....

I will guard my quiet soul.