And then....there was silence.
The alcoholic was gone. The crazy yet predictable behavior vanished. I no longer had to protect myself, my mom and my sisters from the monster. The monster was gone.
And yet there was something unsettling inside of me. Something that couldn't accept this peaceful way of life. It was too quiet, too uneventful, too "normal."
One day not long after my dad moved out my mom made another announcement. She directed it toward me. "I'm going to be the parent now." I laughed and said, "Right! You have no idea what to do." "That may be true," she replied, "But I'm going to try anyway." "Fine," I said, "Good luck."
I lost the chaos of living with an active and violent alcoholic which I thought was normal.
I lost the parenting role I'd had for so many years in my home.
My identity was being stripped from me and I was slowly not knowing who I was.
I didn't like the changes my mom was making. I decided that maybe my dad's alcoholism really wasn't that bad after all. I asked him if I could move in and he said yes.
When my dad was living with us he would get dressed up on Friday or Saturday night and go out. I asked him one time where he went. He told me he went to the chicken place and ate chicken in the car and just sat there. I didn't really believe him but I did give him credit for not telling me the truth.
I share this because soon after I moved in he came to me and asked if his "friend" could move in with us. Her name was Shirley. I said yes. Shirley became my new best friend. My borderline personality disorder kicked into full swing. I clung to her and pretty soon the abuse started all over again.
After three months of living in the insanity again I decided I was going to go to my Alateen meeting. I packed my bag, walked downstairs and had to walk passed him in the bar to get out the door. As I approached the bar someone gave him a nod and he turned to face me. He got toe to toe with me and asked where I thought I was going. I told him I was going to my Alateen meeting. He said no your not. He had that look in his eye like we were going to engage in a starring match. This is one of times I was glad there were other people around. He said if I walked out the door not to plan on coming back. I walked past him and out that door.
The Alateen meeting was about twelve miles from my house. I walked half way when all of a sudden my mom saw me and pulled over. I got into her suburban, didn't say a word, she didn't ask any questions and she took me to my meeting (which is where she was going for her meeting).
I moved out of my dad's place.
I moved back into my mom's house.
Those two blocks between them seemed like miles after I decided to do what was best for me.
I was a real mess for a long time after the divorce. Even today, thirty-two years later, I still have flashes of anger, irritation, aggravation and other negative emotions surface.
At least I knew enough to know I could go back to my mom. She has never rejected me no matter how screwed up I get. I'm very blessed to have a mom who listens and obeys to what God tells her.
You see, she wasn't going to go that way to the meeting. She felt a nudge to go that way. And then...there I was.
