I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem to be out of whack. I had another dream that my Mom died. She died from a pulmonary embolism. It was quick and painless. I was in my car headed up to her house in northern Wisconsin. I was numb.
I wondered if everything was being done per her wishes. Some of her friends were already at her house. They were moving some of the envelopes around on her dresser and I became increasingly upset. I tried not to react with frustration. I asked them to please stop touching her things. I didn't want any of her things disturbed - just leave them alone as they were.
I woke up.
I knew my mom was still alive. She sent us an email yesterday that her friend's son died of a heart attack. She would be here Monday or Tuesday. I am very sad because he was my age and an addict. His mom had finally gotten him into the group home she wanted him in and now this tragedy.
My mom's friend's health is not good. In all honesty, she is a walking miracle. I know my mom worries about her. She's my mom's best friend and has been for over thirty years. She's the Executrix on my mom's will so I worry what will happen if my mom's friend passes away before my mom.
It's amazing what death can do.
I've had racing thoughts all day, Father. I can't seem to settle down. I want to eat and drink and self-injure and get whatever it is out of me so that I can be at peace. Nothing I do, especially the destruction to self, will take away sadness I feel inside.
One day, Lord, you will take my mom home.
I hope on that day, I will have good sense to trust you to help me heal.
Your loving daughter,
Amy
