The first couple of days went okay. I told a little bit of my story and then something happened. I had a day when the bipolar depression hit my psyche. I thought, "Wow! I could record this video so people can see what bipolar depression looks like for me." I pressed the record button and this is what I said:
I thought it was really good because:
- I stayed focused on the lens
- I did not garble my words
- My message was clear and concise
But that's not what a member of my family and a close friend said. They didn't like it, each for their own reasons which they freely told me.
I felt hurt. I felt judged. I felt embarrassed for having recorded and posted it. I felt ashamed of having bipolar. I was encouraged to remove it. I did and I never should have.
I was asked why I posted that video. It was to educate people about bipolar depression. Neither of these people who shared their opinion have ever seen me this way. No one has. I stay inside my house on days like this, lay on the couch and wait for it to pass. It lasts for days at a time so I'm safest by myself. I don't want people to see me but then again, I have nothing to be ashamed of.
It's my choice who I tell, why I tell and how I tell. But I have to be wise in each of those. I tell those who are closest to me. I tell them because they love me and want to help. How I tell them is gently as I'm shaking a bit with anxiety.
Maybe taking the video off the GoFundMe page was a good idea. All I know is that taking it down was taking down a part of me.
I guess, in some circumstances, keeping my diagnosis a secret is a good thing.
