Abstaining From Self-Injury

It's working!  I declared Friday my first day of abstinence from self-injury.  I'm living with no cutting or biting or pulling out my hair just like I live without alcohol.

Eventually, the challenges from stopping will surface.  When they do I plan to apply the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.  I'm not trying to over simplify.  I want to have a plan in place.

My mouth is still active but I'm not biting down.  I catch myself starting to do it then I quickly stop.  I'm noticing it when I'm a little stressed or my thoughts are taking over.

Just wanted to say it's day 3 and I'm doing okay.  Thanks to my therapist who got into my face a few times at my last session.  I heard you and now I'm doing something about it!

Progress, Not Perfection

I'm putting into practice some of the challenges I've been given to overcome the self-injury in my mouth.  Today I focused on the solution instead of the problem.  For example:

• When I started to feel my body tensing up, I relaxed by doing deep breathing exercises.
• When I started to put my tongue in between my teeth, I pushed the self-injury thought out of my head.
• When I started thinking about cutting, I forced myself to think about something else.
• When I felt my cheeks starting to get drawn into my teeth, I pushed them away.

Then I started identifying some feelings:

1. Anxiety over failing to keep myself safe.
1. Making new scars
2. Feeling guilty about failing
3. If I can't keep myself safe, how do I know I'll still live?
2. Scared about not being able to handle stressful thoughts or events.
1. I'll end up back in the hospital
2. I'll disappoint someone
3. I'll be seen as incapable
3. Scared about reaching deeper into friendships.
1. Fear (If they really knew me...)
2. Loving people is as risky as being loved by people
3. Not meeting their expectations
4. Angry I'll choose to stay fat
1. This battle is unfair because it's so hard
2. I'm afraid to start running even though I've been told it's okay
3. I have to overcome this crap so I can truly live

The bottom line is this:  Overcoming these obstacles is possible.  With God's help, prayers and encouragement from ME and others, I can do this.  It doesn't have to be my albatross.  

Being realistic is important, too.  I can claim progress instead of perfection.  Perfection is when I'm in heaven.  

I'm not there....yet.

Identity Crisis?

Good session today with Faith.  Filled out the self injury sheet.  Talked about it.  Took notes.

For some reason, what used to be okay to accept as truth has now become detrimental and is a lie.  I don't know how that happened but it seems to have happened.  This is when recovery becomes a little confusing and you have to really trust the ones God has put in your life to help you get better.

What is truth?  "Taking Radical Understanding To Heart."
What is taking?  Grabbing hold of a new way to think, behave and feel.
What is radical?  Mind blowing teachings of God as Father and Jesus Christ that wreck my distorted core beliefs.
What is understanding?  Having head knowledge of the lies I am believing.
What is to heart?  Applying the true beliefs, while connected to my emotions, as the distorted beliefs fade away.
Why do I do this?  To live a recovered life, to feel recovered emotions, to think recovered thoughts and to behave consistently in all relationships.
Benefits:  Peace in my soul, more genuine happy, less sad, more risk taking, less scared, owning my purpose according to God's plan for my life and running toward the goal as I grab the prize.

Went to the library.  Picked up Donald Miller's book.  Reading it and Ephesians.  Going to go meet a friend's new puppy.  That's a stretch since I only know her as Mrs. Claus!  Want to take a nap but know the value of getting outside myself.

Happy Thursday!

Beginning of Erik's Personality

I started putting together Erik's personality profile by taking the Myers Briggs test from his perspective.  I'm an ISFJ.  He is an INTJ.  That makes sense.  We're both introverted, I'm sensory, he's intuitive, I'm feeling, he's thinking (though he tested only 1% higher) and we're both judging.

I thought he would be vastly different.  It's somewhat comforting to know his personality didn't stick out too far from my own.  Maybe that's how he survived for so many years.

Tomorrow I see Faith to talk about this new tracking sheet she made for self injurious behavior.  It kind of bugs me because it puts stuff into compartments.  It's meant to identify triggers so I don't self injure.  I guess it's okay.  I hate it.

I'm bored.

The Day After

Well, I didn't self injure last night.  And today I'm not having thoughts of it.  I'm getting ready to head to Six Flags with my family.  A good distraction.

I see the scars on my arms.  Each one reminds me of the pain I once felt.  I'm not sure I want anymore reminders.  At least not ones other people can see.

I'm asking God to surround me in a blanket of cotton.  I need to be snuggling with my Daddy in Heaven.  I need His strength, counsel and provision.

I need it now.