Pebbles In My Shoes

Crawling underneath my mobile home, I was flat on my belly. In order to move forward I had to push my feet into the gravel then scoot myself up.  I felt like a turtle.  Moving a little at a time to reach my destination.  

I was moving my cable from one side of the house to the other.  Thankfully it was easy to do.  Getting out was easier because I already knew what movements to use.  When I was through and standing upright, I felt some of the little pebbles that were under the home in my shoes.  I took off my shoes and shook them out.

It reminded me of being a kid and getting sand in my shoes.  It was very uncomfortable so shaking out the sand brought instant relief.  Pebbles from the beach or from the river water were tolerated for a time because playing brought with it more patience for pain.

Then there's the story about the oyster.  Remember that?  The oyster is very sensitive.  So sensitive that if a grain of sand, if just one little grain gets inside, over a period of time, it turns into a pearl!  But that's not the only way.  Click on this link to read more about oyster's making pearls

Back to pebbles.  I've always liked pebbles.  I like the feel of them when I pick them up in my hands and let them fall out of my fingers to the ground.  I like walking through them and seeing how big my foot is.  I like spreading them around and making hills out of them.  Kid stuff.

Little rocks.  Aquariums, too.  So many uses, really.

I enjoy rocks and arrow heads and fossils and lava and red rocks.

I'm a rock collector.

For the sheer joy of something solid our God has made on our earth.

Rock solid.

Hallelujah

This is a special version of the song, "Hallelujah."



This song has been playing in my head all day.

I don't have anything to write.  No thoughts or stories.

Just this song to share.

I hope it touches your heart as much or even more than it touches mine.

Love,
Amy

Father's Day

When I was a little girl this day was the one time I hoped my daddy knew how much I loved him.  I'd make him a card with my own hands, write him a note with my own words and give it to him with a heightened sense of anticipation.  Even though my daddy wasn't the type of man to express his feelings, the little grunt he'd make and the, "Oh!" he'd say, well, it said it all.

He loved what I made and he loved me for making it.

Growing up through my junior high and high school years, the cards became a measurement of how much I loved him.  If the cards were somewhat sentimental or if they didn't measure up to what he wanted, no good  On the other hand, if they were filled with false words of how great a father he was and how much I loved him, those were met with "well done" reactions, like I'd won the grand prize of card giving.

Pleasing my dad was never easy to discern.  I either didn't measure up or measured up so much I didn't know how to do it better next time.  How do you please someone so that they'll love you every time?  I never did figure that out.

It started being hard having Father's Day nevermind right after my birthday when my parents divorced.  Mixed feelings, ya know?  Dad gives you a card and a gift.  I felt grateful because I missed my dad. Father's Day was hard because he wasn't at home anymore.  Even through all the abuse, this little girl still loved her daddy.  But along with the abuse came the painful memories that could not be forgotten.

Over the years, I would confront my dad about the abuse, he would deny it, we would have an on again off again relationship and then it happened.  In the summer of July 2006, he told all of us, including my mom, that he was going in for a test for colon cancer.  It was positive.  He had already stopped talking to me for reasons I'll never know.

I tried calling him, leaving three messages for him at home.  He never returned my calls or my sisters calls.  My dad went blind, one eye at a time.  He had high blood pressure.  He had colon cancer.  He went to bed the night of Feb 20, 2008 and died of a heart attack the morning of Feb 21,2008.

I wasn't mentioned in his obituary.
I truly did not exist to his wife.
I'll never be sure that was his wish
But I've got one up on both of them.

His signature is on my birth certificate as Father.

I miss my dad.  I hope he's in heaven free from his inner demons.  I know God chose him to be my dad. I believe he had great potential to be a great dad.  I had glimpses of that person several times.

I wish he would have had the courage to stare those demons in the face and give them to Jesus to kill.

Wherever you are dad, I wish your spirit peace.

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is my 47th birthday.
How can that be?
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel at 47.
I guess I'm right on target.

For this birthday I'm going to share 47 of my favorite memories.
(Even if I was actually too small, I'm sure I was happy!)

1. Being born and held by my Mom.
2. Being held by my Dad.
3. Being held by my Grandma Hesketh and Grandma Endler.
4. Being held by my Uncles Eddie, Ray and Chuck
5. Being held by my Great Uncle Bill and Great Aunt Pat.
6. Being held by my Great Cousins Billy and Rich.
7. Being held by my Godmother, Loretta.
8. Being baptized as a baby.
9. The birth of my sisters, Tina & Tracy.
10. Our dogs in Island Lake, Mackie, Buster and Penny.
11. My birthday party at the forest preserve.
12. My neighborhood friends and adventures.
13. The birth of my cousins, Jan, Missy, Cheri & Chris.
14. My classroom friends and recess.
15. My Brownie and Girl Scout friends and activities.
16. Grade School teachers, Mrs. Butzman and Mrs. Brickert.
17. Jr. High teachers, Mrs. Hojnacki, Mr. Willhoit, Mr. Sternberg
18. High School teachers, Mrs. Deja, Mrs. Kovorak, Mrs. Kaplan, Mrs. Piper
19. Bowling team, Soccer team, Track team
20. Driving to Grandma Hesketh's house for miles
21. Completing 1,000 miles to get license
22. Passing license driving test first time
23. Buying a motorcycle & Passing motorcycle test second time
24. Getting a large settlement and helping people
25. Living on my own for the first time
26. Going to Scottsdale, AZ with Tina for my 21st birthday
27. Going to Scottsdale, AZ by myself, Payson & FR300
28. Grand Canyon Helicopter Ride & Hot Air Balloon Ride over Scottsdale
29. The stars in Flagstaff, AZ.  
30. Purchased Mobile Home
31. Mission trip to the Dominican Republic
32. Mission/vacation trip to Japan
33. Mom moving to Lac Du Flambeau
34. Meeting Tom and Bonnie
35. Marriage of Tina Marie Endler and Dale J Hunt
36. Addition of Joseph Hunt, Aaron Hunt and Jonny Hunt
37. Birth of Ryan Tyler Endler, Hope Marie Endler, Samantha Lynn Hunt and Alicia Kathleen Hunt.
38. Marriage of Tracy Lynn Endler and William Denne
39. Addition of Neena Denne and Chelsea Denne
40. Rescued a lot of kitties
41. Met Pam, Laurie, Marie, Anne, Jo and others.
42. Joining Facebook - reconnected with family, Kim, Jennifer, Saundra, Nancy, Sue and others
43. God providing the right help when I needed it.
44. Working at Bright Hope and Deodandum
45. Telling my story in 12 step open meetings
46. Going to Meier Clinics and meeting Carol/Going to LCBH and meeting Faith

   47.  My most favorite memory is when I was 20 years old.  I'd been attending church for six months.  I'd just learned my sin separated me from a holy God and there was nothing I alone could do about it.  But then my pastor continued talking.  He said Jesus came to earth to pay the debt of my sin by dying on the cross.  Jesus never committed a single sin and yet he died on the cross for my sin.

If I were to die today and stood before God with my sin, what would happen?  Somebody has to pay for my sin. Was it going to be me?  If so, well, I would go where the bible says there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.  I didn't want to go there.  It's called Hell.

Or will I accept the gift that Jesus offers? He would pay the debt I owe, no strings attached.

I was rocked by that question.  When I arrived home, after talking to a friend, I decided to ask Jesus into my heart and to receive his gift of payment for my sin.  That was in March of 1988.  I've never regretted that decision no matter how hard the trials have been.

Forty-seven years is packed with all sorts of experiences, hopes and dreams.  My prayer is that I'll stay focused on what God wants me to do each day so that His plan and purpose for my life will be fulfilled.

The Drive-In Movie

Have you ever been to a drive-in movie?  My parents used to take us when we were young.  It's one of the best memories I have of my Dad.

My dad was a big believer in popcorn.  Popcorn for television movies at home during the day and at night.  Popcorn for the drive-in.  Sometimes the popcorn was in a double brown grocery paper bag.  Other times he also put popcorn in lunch bags for us kids.  On this night, all of us ate out of the big double brown grocery paper bag that had melted butter stains on it.  But wait.  I'm getting ahead of myself.

Mom and Dad said we were going to the drive-in.  We were very excited.  We were told to bring our blankets and our pillows.  When I was done getting my stuff in the car I went into the kitchen to see what my dad was doing.

Did your Mom use certain pots to cook certain foods?  My dad was using her potato pot to make popcorn.  He put the pot on the stove top then disappeared into the utility room.  He came back with a hammer and a screwdriver.  I wondered what he was going to use those for.

He bent down into the cabinet, rummaged around until he found the lid to the pot.  He put the lid on the counter, held the screwdriver on top of the lid and in one stroke he hammered a hole into the lid!  He did this many times until he was satisfied that he had enough holes.  I asked him why he needed those holes and he told me, "So the popcorn won't burn."  Hm.

I loved watching my dad cook.  I always learned something from his technique.  When I watched him make popcorn, I learned his wrist action.  He poured the oil into the pot, shook some seeds into the oil, put the lid on so the seeds wouldn't pop out then waited.

He waited until the first pop and then he swooshed the pot from side to side.  He said it was to even out the heat.  Pretty soon the kernels started popping faster.  I could see the steam coming out of the holes on the lid.  The faster they popped the faster my dad's wrist moved the pot around.  But then the popping started to slow down.  When it started to stop my dad took the pot off the fire and took off the lid.  He poured the popcorn into that big brown bag and poured the melted butter on top.  Then he added some salt, folded the bag down a little bit and gave it a good shake.  He popped popcorn several times until that brown bag was full.

We were allowed to sample the popcorn but the real feast was at the drive-in.  My dad would park the car up that little hill just right so that we could see good.  Then he and my mom would get out of the car to put the back seat down so we could spread out our blankets and pillows.  He'd roll down his window, clip the sound box then roll his window up so we could hear the movie.  That box always sounded bad but it was part of the experience.  Then he'd take that big brown bag of popcorn that was filling up the air in the car and put it between he and my mom.  Then all of us would share it as we watched the movie.

I remember there were double features.  The first one was usually safe for kids.  The second was for adults.  One time we went to see Star Wars.  Another time I think the first one was The Three Musketeers and the second one was Jaws.  I wasn't asleep yet.  My mom wanted to make sure I didn't see the movie so she told me to keep my head down.  I tried but when I heard that lady scream and the music, well, I had to see what was going on.  

My dad was a great person when he wanted to be.  

I wish I had more days when he wanted to be.