He loved what I made and he loved me for making it.
Growing up through my junior high and high school years, the cards became a measurement of how much I loved him. If the cards were somewhat sentimental or if they didn't measure up to what he wanted, no good On the other hand, if they were filled with false words of how great a father he was and how much I loved him, those were met with "well done" reactions, like I'd won the grand prize of card giving.
Pleasing my dad was never easy to discern. I either didn't measure up or measured up so much I didn't know how to do it better next time. How do you please someone so that they'll love you every time? I never did figure that out.
It started being hard having Father's Day nevermind right after my birthday when my parents divorced. Mixed feelings, ya know? Dad gives you a card and a gift. I felt grateful because I missed my dad. Father's Day was hard because he wasn't at home anymore. Even through all the abuse, this little girl still loved her daddy. But along with the abuse came the painful memories that could not be forgotten.
Over the years, I would confront my dad about the abuse, he would deny it, we would have an on again off again relationship and then it happened. In the summer of July 2006, he told all of us, including my mom, that he was going in for a test for colon cancer. It was positive. He had already stopped talking to me for reasons I'll never know.
I tried calling him, leaving three messages for him at home. He never returned my calls or my sisters calls. My dad went blind, one eye at a time. He had high blood pressure. He had colon cancer. He went to bed the night of Feb 20, 2008 and died of a heart attack the morning of Feb 21,2008.
I wasn't mentioned in his obituary.
I truly did not exist to his wife.
I'll never be sure that was his wish
But I've got one up on both of them.
His signature is on my birth certificate as Father.
I miss my dad. I hope he's in heaven free from his inner demons. I know God chose him to be my dad. I believe he had great potential to be a great dad. I had glimpses of that person several times.
I wish he would have had the courage to stare those demons in the face and give them to Jesus to kill.
Wherever you are dad, I wish your spirit peace.
